SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all,
Thanks in advance for your time, energy and support. I will pay it forward when I’m in the right place to do so. My story started when I was 28 and my boyfriend (we shared a flat) cheated on me and we split up. It was traumatising as he lied and lied even in counselling. About 18m later we got back together and eventually got engaged, married, had 2 boys, this is context for what happened next. The first decade of marriage was good and our family were so happy. Only difficulty was he struggled to keep jobs - he moved/lost jobs often so was a little stressful and I worked full time also. In the last 5-6 years his dad died and activated a spiral in his mental health. He’s was angry and then he also told me he’d been abused by a family member. I couldn’t get my head around this as we had had a good relationship and he had let our kids stay at this persons house. Over the last 5 years I discovered debt, first £30k then a year later £10k loan. The first £30k I was devastated but we paid it off and he explained it away. Then shortly after discovering the £10k his mum died and then it all unravelled. I searched his iPad and discovered he’d been visiting massage parlours/escorts. He also smoked pot often. I was completely broken and barely functioned but we had now a 14 and 11 year old so had to. I am so torn - we are both in therapy individually. I am heartbroken as is he. He struggles that I didn’t believe/support him. I struggle that he lied for so long and is capable of this deceit. He didn’t want to lose his family but couldn’t cope because of the childhood trauma. Eldest kid is now in final gcse year and has said he feels depressed. 😔 i don’t really know how to move forward. I have a good group of friends but this is soooo heavy I don’t want to burden them and often have to put on a brave face. I just want to heal and be optimistic about the future but for some reason feel I’ve taken a huge step back. I can completely relate when people say this is the most painful experience and I think it’s the isolation. Husband struggles to hear my pain as in comparison his is worse - he was suicidal, has lost both parents etc etc It’s sooooo hard to get out of bed and then have 2 sons who seem to want to play the x box all day which compounds the loneliness. None of this is their fault so want to protect them as much as possible. Seems we are all victims because of husbands choices BUT i still have some compassion that his choices are a result of his childhood trauma. Thankyou for hearing me - not sure what the answers are but feeling incredibly lonely and broken. I also just turned 50 - never a good time for this shit to happen but here we are.
Xxx

Sister, his choices are likely a results of character flaws and childhood trauma that went unresolved forever.

That is a thing, common in cheaters.

This doesn’t excuse the sexual and emotional abuse he inflicted you with infidelity, adultery, betrayal.
This is a trauma gifted just for you, and a very bad one at it.

You see there are usually reasons for bad choices, rarely a person is completely rotten or evil. Most of all had troubles and little or big traumatic experiences that developed character flaws.
Most people find healthy copying mechanisms. Some resort to evil and abuse, because they are too scared to accept their issues and confront them.

Imagine for example I come and tell you the story of my childhood abuse trauma etc. then instead of facing the issues or finding a healthy coping mechanism, I end up abusing sexually another person. (Or any kind of abuse really, this just got our case)

Does that make me the victim even if I started being one? Does it justify the abuse in any way or form? No, it doesn’t. 2 wrongs don’t make a right. Evil choices are still bad no matter if they come from hurt, you are still the villain.

The abuse received is a tragedy. The abuse inflicted is a deliberate choice.

If you weren’t emotionally invested in your partner you could see this clearly and you would not excuse it in the slightest.

The tricky thing about infidelity is that we love our partner, so even as abuse victims we try to find empathy and excuses just to deny the closest person in your life could do you one of the most horrible things a human can do to another human.

That’s why nasty ptsd is so common and some people break completely or end it in the worst ways.
That’s why is important to see the betrayal for what it is and the cheater for who they are.

You need to put yourself first, set boundaries and protect yourself from further abuse to get you time to heal from your wounds.

This is not an upside or a small blunder. The damage to your nervous system shares similarities with other nasty sexual or emotional abuse, just know those are punishable by law, you would probably never receive any vindication.

Maybe scorn, which adds insult to injury.

Friends are good, but unless you’re friend with someone who dealt with infidelity in their life, they won’t be probably much helpful, is a complex topic and an uneasy one, as it puts into jeopardy the deepest form of human connection, the attachment wound, it’s something you don’t really want to think about or face unless your are so "lucky" to find you into, your partner’s courtesy.

Still like all trauma and abuse there is a way out. The most straightforward is removing yourself from the abuser and cutting them off your life. Which is the most common advice you get from the average person.

Problem is, you most like,y have emotional attachment that doesn’t make it so easy to cut it off. And that’s something people who didn’t live it, cannot understand.

It can put you in the position of a special kind of lonely and mess with your mind and emotions.

Think this.
You suffered a great wound and you are likely living with chaos right now.

What is important is for you to be heard.
You have been heard.

Start acting to protect your own emotional state (what’s left of after the nuclear blast) in writing down what you want what you need, what you deserve. Those are your boundaries

They are more important than ever right now.

You come first.

And let out all the pain you feel, don’t compress it. Here you will find people who can hear you and understand you

I get a little upset when a cheater tries to make a situation into the oppression Olympics as if their pain is somehow worse than yours.

I've had some devastating things happen in my childhood. I suffered from a psychological and mental crash and a profound loss of function. Tho I contemplated it, I never attempted to commit suicide. I was treated for major depression, anxiety disorder, and put on high doses of SSRIs. Which turned out to be the wrong treatment for me. I'm off of the SSRI now and have been recovering ever since.

It was a mess. I was a mess. That was about a decade ago. My wife's affair 17 months ago eclipsed all of that. For many it's the worst experience of their lives, and I can say that's also the case with me.

It's one thing to suffer from childhood trauma, major depression, and crash out. It's a whole other ballgame to lie, be deceitful, sneak around, and destroy someone else's life. That's just pure selfishness. As bad as things got I was always at least honest and wore my feelings on my sleeve.

I don't want to tell you what to do. I know how hard this is, and I understand the attachment you build with someone over decades. My wife and I were married almost 27 years when she had her affair. But I do know I wouldn't accept any of his excuses. If he needs help he needs to get it, and he can do it without wrecking his whole family.

It's no wonder you didn't believe or support him. He lied to you! He earned that doubt. Until he can accept what he did and stop blaming his condition for everything he's not a safe partner. It sounds like he's been through a lot and I'm not completely unsympathetic because I've been there, too. I just didn't make the destructive choices your husband did.

I haven't lived your husband's life, but that's my take on it. He needs to own what he's done and take responsibility for it. I know there's no measuring stick for individual mental anguish, but he needs to make room for your pain and realize that it's right up there with his own, and maybe even worse. The difference being he actually inflicted it on you. He made choices.

I'm not trying to just bash your husband for the sake of it. I'm trying to give you my perspective as someone who's been through some similar issues and didn't cheat on my wife, even when I've had opportunities. Mental illness is not an excuse or a get out of jail free card for infidelity. It's also no excuse for not facing what he did. I think it would be a step toward true healing for him. Instead of just wallowing in self pity, own it and start making amends. You don't have to tolerate it.

I'm so sorry you're here and dealing with this. I encourage you to keep posting. Ask any questions or just vent if you need to. This is the place for it. This is a good group of folks and a safe place to let it out. Most of us have been in your shoes to some extent and we understand what you're going through. Just typing things out and getting feedback and support has been so helpful for me. Hang in there. It takes longer than anyone wants it to, but things will get better.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:18 PM, Saturday, September 19th]