SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure where to post this. I’m still in the same position as I’ve been for a year now. It’s coming up to a year since he walked out to be with the AP. Came back in the October. But contact that I’m aware of didn’t end till June 2026, only texts calls etc no physical contact. But who knows. I don’t believe anything that he says at all. We have good and bad days more bad than good.

We had a conversation this morning that I want to share for your opinions. I feel what was said he was trying to justify and blame shift. But I need an outsider to give me their thoughts please.

I asked partner why he had an affair and told partner this morning I don’t think I can countiue the relationship anymore.

He responded with he wasn’t happy with the relationship I didn’t appreciate him, and different things. And instead of dealing with them he has rug swept the issues. Because I would have just asked him to leave. I asked him to identify the issues I had him before his affair and he was able to acknowledge them but didn’t change.

He said if we hadn’t of had so many children and I would have gone out to work he doesn’t think we would have lasted 20 years.

He also said if he would have ended our relationship instead of having an affair I wouldn’t have fought as hard as I did for him during his affair.

I don’t really know what to make of it. I’m not sure if I’m triggered and spiralling because of the dates now. But also feel every given moment he has lied and now unable to believe anything he says. I’m pretty certain the relationship is just destined to fail

Forgot to add he said we need a conversation about issues pre affair and not to make a decision on him having affair as the reason for the end of the relationship.

RUN!!!

This guy refuses to take any responsibility for cheating.

Everything is your fault.

You don’t fight hard enough for him (he had the audacity to say that!? ).

Too many red flags here but I think the last conversation tells you everything you need to know about your guy.

He’s emotionally immature and will continue to blame YOU FOR HIS DECISION TO CHEAT.

Please stop expecting anything more from him. IMO the last conversation tells you everything you need to know.

And to me, he’s not worth reconciling with as he believes he "is not to blame for his affair" — you are!

All I can do is repeat the advice I have been giving you more-or-less from the beginning:
Be VERY CLEAR on your legal standing.

Gently… you have made claims about having legal advice on being able to kick him out, that the house is yours and so on… only to contradict that in other posts…
I – as well as others – have suggested free places to get the advice you need – advice on your standing when and if this relationship ends.

What makes me question what you know? Well… your comment in another thread about financial impossibility of him leaving… When the UK has quite a straight-forward process for child support, as well as relatively good social/communal support. I venture your future without him isn’t as bleak as you think it might be, and might be based on some trepidation to end this relationship.

You asked for opinions, so here's mine.

I don't think your husband loves you. It's debatable whether he even likes you.

He said if we hadn’t of had so many children and I would have gone out to work he doesn’t think we would have lasted 20 years.

This little nugget of truth in the sea of bullshit is why he came home. He probably saw a lawyer or did the math on his own and determined that it was cheaper to keep you then to get a divorce and pay child support + alimony. He also didn't want to be the guy who abandoned his kids for his mistress.

If he could divorce you with his reputation intact and not lose a cent of his money, he would still be with his mistress right now.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:47 PM, Friday, September 11th]

He thinks he’s something special, he’s not.

He’s extremely disrespectful, I can’t count how many times he has got you in the ribs in this conversation alone.

IMO he thinks you and your children are preventing him from living his best life, he doesn’t deserve you or your children.

My advice…..I would not want my children to grow up feeling like a burden to their father, nor would I want to waste my time on someone who is completely incapable of looking at himself, I’d get myself some excellent legal advice (first hour completely free in England) and I’d financially light his arse up like a Christmas tree. Then I’d live MY best life.

Hello-

It’s hard to understand the was a ws will brainwash themselves with justifications, villainizing their spouse, rewriting marital history, etc until they believe it. It’s fundamental that we tend to take the unhappiness of our lives and instead of taking accountability those feelings and trying to rearrange things to where they are more manageable we transcend into the escapism of the affair rather than dealing with reality.

It’s also hard to understand the destruction limerance creates in both the ws and in their external lives. Limerance is an addiction to the happy chemicals your body releases in great quality -endorphins, adrenaline, etc created by the instability and secrecy of the affair.

And though there may not have been a physical affair being conducted, any contact with that AP continues the ability to escape. So in my mind he has only continued to conduct the affair since he has been home.

Basically, my opinion is he has stayed in the escapism and when he pokes his head up and doesn’t like what he sees, he is resistant to work within the confines of reality.

Because there has been no introspection or taking accountability of where he is at he continues to blame you. That resentment creates this false narrative that it’s you that needs to win him back and make it possible to fall in love with again.

This paradigm of course doesn’t work for someone who has been betrayed. It’s almost like him saying "I know I shot you and you are bleeding out in this table, but do you remember all the ways you used to scratch me?

I am unclear of why he came back—but I am guessing it was either she gave him the boot or there are financial/logistical reasons?

He wants you to evaluate the pre-a marriage as a way of saying "see no wonder it got so bad I cheated, can you show me you will do better?"

What are your viable options? What do you want?

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:21 PM, Friday, September 11th]

Mismee, are you still with him? You've made many posts and received a lot of feedback. Including from me. My opinion on your situation has not changed a bit. In fact, in light of this new post, my opinion is even stronger now.

He is not safe.

You need to focus on yourself and get out of this situation.

I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this. I do not see things changing with him at all.

I am not saying this to be hurtful---

It is you who is keeping yourself in this relationship....not him.

I venture your future without him isn’t as bleak as you think it might be, and might be based on some trepidation to end this relationship.

If I would guess, I would say that it is more about fear of the unknown than any other reason. And it's okay to be scared; the way to address this is to slowly remove these fears.....because there is no magic pill that is going to rid them for you quickly and cleanly. So start tackling ONE issue at a time. If it takes some time, then so be it. But if nothing changes, then nothing changes.

You don't value yourself enough. You are worth far more than you think. You just have to start believing it.

Missmee

He said that if I end the relationship I should not make it about the affair because we had problems before

This is the part that stands out because marriage problems and cheating are not the same thing and one does not cancel out the other.

You may both have had problems before and there may have been things in the relationship that needed looking at but he still made a separate choice to step outside the relationship instead of dealing with those problems honestly.

It is very easy after betrayal for the person who cheated to try and spread the damage around so it feels less like their choice and more like the relationship failed equally. But being unhappy is not the same as betraying someone and your decision now is allowed to be about the affair because the affair changed the reality you were living in.

You are not wrong for needing time and you are not wrong for not knowing what you want yet. You were making decisions based on the relationship you thought you had and now you are trying to understand the one that was actually there.

Jb3199 is more-or-less saying what I am thinking, only in a nicer way…
I think you are afraid, and mainly afraid of the unknown. By getting CLEAR and VALID legal advice on how things might go IF this ends in a separation you aren’t terminating the relationship or separating; you are only getting correct info on possible outcomes.

Having a counselor, advocate, social worker or solicitor tell you that yes – you can ask him to leave the house and this is the correct process, or no you can’t but this is what is normally done in these situations, this is his financial responsibility and this is the process to ensure you get it, or these are the resources open to you during some transition period…

All of this empowers you. Do exactly what you are asking us for: gives you options.

I’m pretty certain the relationship is just destined to fail

I'm pretty sure you've realized this before, I'm pretty sure people have said this to you before. I hate to pile on because I do know it's a difficult time, and I also realize that people have to do things on their own personal timeline when they are comfortable in doing so.

But you are just rinsing and repeating. You ask for advice, you get the same advice each time, you come to a conclusion that things are going to change and you say you see the path but you don't take the path. We all have reasons why we don't take the paths that are best for us. Or excuses. Whatever. If you have more bad days than good, what is that saying to you? Is that what you want in life? Life isn't getting longer. Why subject yourself and your kids to this? Wouldn't it be nice to not have to try to figure out what he means or whether it's blame shifting or gaslighting? That life is available to you. I hope you will reach for it.

Thank you all, you are all correct. I am very afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of what life will be like for my children, financially and other things. I’ve know no different for 20 years.

I still hold out for hope, I’m not sure why because the person I’m hoping for doesn’t actually exist.

There is only me who can change and get out of this relationship now I do know that. I need to take the leap and hopefully I do it sooner rather than later.

Thank you all for the support

Miss,

I get the unknown is scary, but it can be a better option when the known is hell.

And look, for all the dehumanization and abuse your abuser can throw upon you, the moment you get the abuser out of you are life, you actually get back everything that he is vampirizing out of your life force.

You will be yourself.
Still a Miss.

And there’s plentY better things in life for a Miss.

Miss,

I get the unknown is scary, but it can be a better option when the known is hell.

This is exactly the sentiment that popped into my mind. The unknown is scary, yes, but what is your known right now? It seems pretty scary and full of uncertainty to me. He's pretty much flat out telling you he doesn't want to be there! I suspect the only reason he's staying right now is because leaving is harder. Probably ly especially financially.

Have you talked to a solicitor and figured out what divorce might look like for you? That would eliminate some of the unkown.

I don't see things getting worse for you if you get out of this toxic relationship. He's a vampire sucking the life from your soul. He's devaluing you and blaming you for his choices!

What is keeping you there, Missmee?

Miss just want to say it is never too late to start over , and live your life for you. I don’t know your age but older women are doing it all the time and they are finding their freedom and self confidence in ways they never embraced before in their shitty marriages where they sacrificed so much for everyone else. You should spend some time reading the "new beginnings" forum , it might help you imagine the life you might create. I know it’s easier said than done. Life is short though and you do deserve to be happy !

Thank you again.

I’m 36 so still pretty youngish I think!haha

We aren’t married he never wanted to marry funnily enough I always did!

I have an appointment with another legal advisor next week.

He isn’t down on our tenancy agreement he was removed when I resigned the tenancy. So can be asked to leave at anytime.

I feel enormously guilty towards my children that I’m now blowing up the family. I’m sad that they will have to be split between us. I think it may possibly of been a lot easier if they weren’t so young to.

Finances is a huge one, I have looked at what I will be entitled to and it’s not much at all. My youngest will go to nursery next year. So work wise I’ve thought about working whilst he has the children and then when the youngest is in nursery I would be able to retrain and get something better in a few years.

I think I’ve let him get to me with comments he’s made about how the kids will suffer, how I will be worse off. The lower income things.

I feel enormously guilty towards my children that I’m now blowing up the family.

I had a flash of anger reading this part. Not at you, but at him for playing the types of mind games with you that would make you even think like this.

On what planet does him cheating, lying, sneaking around, gaslighting, and manipulating you make it your responsibility for blowing up your family?

What kind of lesson will you be teaching your children if you show them it's okay for him to do these things and you'll stay and put up with it? Would you want your little girl to grow up, end up in a similar position, and stay in a relationship like that because that's what she learned? What would you tell your future daughter to do if she described a partner who acted toward her just like her dad acts toward you?

I'm sorry, but from what you've described your "partner" is reprehensible and I can't imagine any upside to you letting him stay there.

It's been more than a year of this nightmare. You asked for advice from people outside your reality, so I'm going to call it as I see it. Hope the following doesn't feel harsh. You have agency - you're the only one who truly knows YOUR situation. SI responses to your posts over the last year have kinda danced around the root issue here - that this is abuse - while advising you to protect yourself, get advice/help and some suggesting to finally end this toxic situation. We're all genuinely concerned for your (and the kids) safety. But, in your posts over the last year it's clear how completely exhausted you are from all the "rinsing and repeating". It is completely normal that you are exhausted and just reacting to each crisis he creates as it comes at ya, but because you are stuck in fight-or-flight mode, it’s really hard to step back and see how all the pieces of your situation actually fit together. Looking in from the outside, I see a much larger, painful pattern than simple infidelity. Sadly, infidelity is a tool in the tool-kit of an abuser. So, let's go there......

Rather than attempting to untangle his latest "blame shifting" load of baloney, let's take a look at the big picture. I don't think his cheating or his financial threats or his looming unspoken threat to finally leave and be with AP (or disappear overnight again like he did in June, correct?) are a series of random bad choices. I think they are tools he uses on purpose. As long as you are drowning in grief about the cheating, anxiously monitoring his communications and whereabouts, or simply afraid that he’s going to leave and emotionally/financially harm the kids, your entire focus is on him. It keeps you off-balance and walking on eggshells. He keeps you stuck in survival mode so you don't have the quiet space or the confidence to see all the ways he is mistreating, disrespecting, or controlling you every single day. And how much better you deserve!

Simply put, when someone cheats repeatedly, while slowly whittling away their partner's self-esteem with demeaning comments and veiled threats, it forces their partner into a state of constant investigation and insecurity. His acts of infidelity, like vanishing overnight to AP's house, STILL texting her after a year of emotional abuse about his affair, are a DISTRACTION from his overall assholery. It keeps you so focused on questions like the questions you've asked SI "Is this gaslighting?"and "How do I forgive?" that you don't have time to notice that he is controlling the narrative, draining your energy, and eroding your boundaries. It keeps you small, compliant and stuck in place.

I think I’ve let him get to me with comments he’s made about how the kids will suffer, how I will be worse off. The lower income things.

This really pissed me off. These comments are threats disguised as concern. A father who genuinely cares about his kids' emotional and financial well being works to protect it. He doesn't use his own children as bargaining chips. Using the kids' future as a threat isn't the sign of a man who might leave—it’s the sign of a man who is actively using fear to control you. Living under the constant unspoken threat of him leaving (you've framed this threat as a "fear of the unknown") is a form of psychological torture. The kids are already absorbing that tension. As a child of divorce I can attest to this reality - peace and stability- even on a tight budget - are worth so much more to a child's emotional health than remaining in an "intact" faux family - remaining in a relationship/home full of fear.

An abuser’s greatest fear is losing control over you. The moment you stop reacting to his crises, you begin to take your power back. If you aren't ready to end the relationship and kick him out, if as you say, you are entitled to do (feels like you're inching closer to recognizing he's not who you thought he was which is encouraging!) you don’t have to - although I too suggest ending this toxic situation. Your immediate focus can simply be about rebuilding your self-esteem (IC just for you?), disengaging from his drama, and protecting your peace. You can start small right now without him even knowing: keep a hidden journal or log of his behavior, quietly make copies of your and the kids' important documents, and open a private bank account just for yourself if you don't have one. Reaching out anonymously to a local women's domestic violence advocate/organization can give you a safe, confidential space to talk through your options. Maybe they can help you with some pro-bono legal advice as Bigger wisely suggested? I also know several SAHM who've negotiated $$$ for career training or pursuit of an academic degree as part of D settlements, or through participation in social programs designed to support people recreating their lives. You are so young - plenty of time to learn from this experience and create a whole new life!

To close, your H may never hit you, but this is DV nonetheless. DV isn't just physical violence! DV can also be subtle, psychological and insidious. Like the proverbial frog slowly boiled in the proverbial pot of water you've grown accustomed to his poor treatment. It's what you know. You are stronger than he has led you to believe, and you and the kids deserve a life free from this constant fear. And, YOU deserve a life where you aren't constantly auditing someone else's loyalty just to survive. Please take care. Be strong, be proactive, be safe. You can do this!

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 5:39 PM, Saturday, September 26th]

You are not the one blowing up your life ! 20 years is a long time , but since you’re 36 that means you started dating really young in your formative years so he’s also all you know. That’s tough. I’m your age . We are still young for sure we could definitely start over again if we choose . There are so many possibilities out there of men who will treat you right.