SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are college sweethearts, been together for 13 years and married 2 years ago. For months now, I’ve had suspicions that something felt off. Despite not finding evidence, alas I found a text 5 weeks ago. I was completely blindsided. He was in limerance and once I found out everything, what I had in front of me was hard to believe. He not only had an affair behind my back for 3.5 years, he was romance scammed. The crazy part is this woman flew from Asia on multiple occasions. My assumption is that she has multiple men she’s doing this to. Either way, she lied about having cancer, being abused, the whole nine yards. After finding out and making him aware of the truth, he seems to have come to his senses. What I’ll never get over is the premeditated meetings in hotels, it’s beyond me. Days of endless talking on the way home, on the way to work, at home, it’s truly truly beyond me. I’m absolutely devastated. I asked why, he said after the death of his dad, he spiraled and didn’t know how to speak to anyone. And this is what he did, and that grew into something he couldn’t pull himself out of. I will never understand, it will never make any sense.

Despite the fact that he’s remorseful, it doesn’t change anything. He keeps saying he wants to change for himself. All I know is, I’m hurt, I’m devastated, and i’m humiliated. Nothing changes the fact that 13 years I’ve spent with him were not always perfect, but he was my best friend. And for him to throw it all away, I just have no words.

Sorry not much time to respond.

This is a world destroying fear I have as well with my people pleasing wife. I get what You are feeling

Remember – you have options.
If you decide to stay married then it’s your decision to do so.
Don’t be afraid of making demands. Like I would want him to seek IC for his issues. I would want total openness and accountability. I would question how he could divert the funds (I’m taking it a scammer isn’t doing this for free) as well as the amount.

Remember that if he doesn’t comply with what you need you always can file.

If he opens up, then with time you will feel safer. That is a good time to create the marriage you want.

I understand the hurt and betrayal you are experiencing. It doesn’t make sense why someone would do this.

It’s hard to understand now, in the early stages of finding out about the affair. But the choice to cheat has NOTHING to do with you. And everything to do with the cheater.

The cheater cheats for one reason - they want to. They like the attention and ego boost the affair gives them. The other woman or affair partner is available and new. Exciting even. Someone new to the cheater.

In your case it goes deeper because he was also scammed out of money. Just another thing to deal with on top of the betrayal.

Please consider getting some professional help for yourself. Someone who can help you navigate this process and support YOU.

Don’t make any permanent decisions in the first 90 days after you have discovered the situation. You want to be sure you are not reacting but are making decisions for the right reasons.

Please financially protect yourself as well, to the best of your ability.

Continue to post here - you will get great support.

I’m so sorry rn1892. 3.5 years is a long time, what a nightmare. If ever there were a case to prove that affairs are based in fantasy, this is the one. Instead of talking to his actual best friend (you), he talked to a make-believe person. But like you said, the affair was real.

If you haven’t done so already, seek out a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma.

You should also get tested for STDs.

Five weeks is a short period of time, you can stay undecided about your marriage for as long as you feel you need.

What kind of guidance are you looking for?

I’m just navigating a lot of new stuff and the emotional roller coaster is heavy. I’m already incredibly stressed out. Trying to find a new therapist who can help me, my old one left her practice (perfect timing). I’m starting a new job, moving to a new place with him (for now). It’s a lot to process and idk where I’m supposed to be in this grief or what I should be doing. It’s hard to eat, it’s hard to look at him.

I’m not even in the right head space to consider repair. I don’t know if it’s possible. I can’t help but feel sadness when I look at him. Sadness that he threw it all away and we may never feel the same way about each other again.

It’s really hard, I’m sorry RN.

You have to make sure you eat. Try protein shakes and power bars if you really have no appetite. Stay hydrated too. Make sure to get some exercise. Low intensity exercise is good for lowering cortisol, so take a long walk if you can.

See a doctor about getting some anti-anxiety meds if you need it. If you’re having trouble sleeping, your doctor can also give you some sleeping pills.

You should also see a lawyer. Not to start the D process, but just to gather information about what it might look like. The more uncertainty you can remove, the more you’ll start to feel more in control. So meet with someone for informational purposes, often the first consultation is free.

You’re not "supposed" to be anywhere with your grief. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions, and with emotions, the only thing you can do is feel them.

I’m sorry you’re suffering right now.

So sorry you're here RN. No, it doesn't make sense. It never will. Gently, you're in shock and grieving. WHY he engaged in a 3 and 1/2 year betrayal, and WHY he offered himself up to a romance scammer like a lamb to the slaughter are the burning questions. So soon after D-day it's natural to latch on to any plausible explanations. Sounds like he's talking a good game (pay attention to what he does not what he says) - his father died - he couldn't pull himself out of it - he was in limerence - he wants to change for himself. Nah, he did it because he wanted to. Because he got something out of it. And he married you - essentially defrauded you - while enmeshed in a LTA (long term affair). I'm PO'd on your behalf just reading this post!

This nightmare is a lot to recover from. This is trauma. Please take exquisite care of yourself. Put the focus on you. Let him untangle himself. As others have suggested drink protein shakes, get support from the new therapist (someone trained in trauma recovery would be ideal), see your doctor for temporary meds if needed and get that STD testing...... AND please don't isolate yourself. Hope there are trusted friends or family members - at least one IRL human you can open up to for emotional support. Someone who has your back no matter what you decide? Please don't deny yourself comfort from people who care about you to protect his image, or because you feel shame or embarrassment about HIS choices. Post D-day one of the best things I did for my wellbeing was open up to a few select people. Their unconditional love and support made a huge difference.

The cheater cheats for one reason - they want to. They like the attention and ego boost the affair gives them. The other woman or affair partner is available and new.

In your case it goes deeper because he was also scammed out of money. Just another thing to deal with on top of the betrayal.

THIS. Next steps are brutal and may take an emotional toll, but you need to protect yourself if you haven't already done so. First, keep all the proof you found safe - maybe keep it backed up at work or store it with a friend or neighbor. Asking him "hey where'd you get the money?" or "how much did you blow on her?" doesn't feel adequate in this situation. Hope you're keeping an eagle eye on all finances, and hope you have access to all financial information so you can figure out how much $$ was funneled into OW's pocket. Assume he paid when she flew from Asia and stayed here - airline tickets, hotels, in hotel services, food.....and gifts. Did he help her with "medical bills" and housing to leave the "abuse", etc.? This could add up to significant $$. How was he able to divert that money? Is there hidden debt or missing funds from retirement or savings? You're married, so half of that frittered away money - 1/2 of ALL the money - is YOUR money. By law.

This really stinks! Know you're reeling right now, and it's challenging enough to wrap your brain around this new reality without having to play forensic accountant on top of everything else. But, self-care after infidelity must include financial self-care. You're struggling with so much right now - a new job, moving to a new home and managing life while riding the infidelity emotional roller coaster. If you can afford it, could be worth it to pay a professional to help dig through financials, and to limit the inherent trauma involved with digging. Depends upon your joint $$ situation. Discuss with a lawyer. Whether you go or stay, knowing the extent of the financial damage seems prudent. Talking to a lawyer doesn't mean you have to divorce right this minute. Knowledge is power. Understanding your options and legal rights could restore some equilibrium and help to visualize possibilities.

Do you have to move into the new place with him? The planned move might be fortuitously timed.....time apart could give you some peace and space to figure things out. ***ETA: talk to a lawyer about how NJ views continued co-habitation after discovering annulment grounds or in a "fault" divorce situation. See below***

In your case, not sure the usual "take as long as you need to decide...........take 90 days to make big decisions" advice is necessarily a sound approach. Sometimes financial cheaters are adept at hiding $$, moving money, erasing $$ trails. Please protect yourself financially ASAP. Don't wait on that. Talk to a lawyer about ways to financially protect yourself NOW, whether you go or stay in the marriage. Don't be shy - they've heard it all. What does D vs separation look like in your jurisdiction?

I'm no lawyer, but another reason to consider making some decisions soon - the clock starts ticking on ability to file an annulment once you've discovered grounds. One could argue that him marrying you while in an active affair with OW - an OW he financially supplemented with marital funds - is fraud. Fraud is grounds for annulment. Annulment could provide superior financial protection vs divorce. It all depends on your specifics......Another thing to look into with a lawyer - apparently NJ allows "fault" divorce in cases of infidelity. If divorce or annulment are options you'd consider, don't sleep with him. Continuing marital "relations" could be viewed as "condonement" - that you were okay with the situation. And you've been in this relationship a long time. If you're financially dependent or been financially entwined for years might be worth looking into what common-law rules look like in your state and how that might play out with a 2 year marriage, separation, annulment or divorce. Again, I'm no expert. Just a BS who researched my options. Hope this info helps your decision making RN.

So sorry you're struggling right now. IME, around 6-8 weeks the shock wore off a bit and righteous anger kicked in. Everyone is different, but cycling through emotions, including anger, is common. My advice: use that righteous indignation to light a fire in your belly to do what's necessary to take care of YOU. Don't try to suppress it. Embrace it! Short of doing crazy stuff of course. Hoping the best for you. Please take care.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 7:47 AM, Saturday, September 12th]