SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So in my case my partner developed feelings for a coworker. Not sure if I should call it just a crush but he himself mentioned falling for her in his diary.

She however only had him as a friend, he claims after she friendzoned him, the obsession stopped. That he wanted to get it out of his head when he confessed.

When I found out about the crush I was actually understanding because of my past behaviour and constant fights we had. I immediately started therapy and committed to working on myself. I kept begging him but he was so distant and cold.

He asked for space, said he doesnt love me and while I went away and was breaking down every day, he went to a pool with her. It wasnt deliberatly planned, she apparently volunteered to join him so hes not alone after he told her about our problems.

He of course didnt tell me and planned to lie, but I broke into his PC to read his diary when I came back after 2 weeks where I found this out. She asked him whats hes gonna do and then he told her he didnt tell her everything. She then asked if she played a part or something like that and he confirmed. Thats when she friendzoned him. The diary mentioned he felt relieved but also that it wasnt the answer he was hoping for. He claims he knew she will friendzone him and that he was just imagining things, she was just a friendly person and he misjudged it. He said he took that opportunity to get it out of his head. But the line of hoping for different answer just bugs me. I know I wasnt supposed to read this but if we reconciled and I found out years later I would be pissed at feeling betrayed again. He knows he should have told me.

Problem is he then still kinda kept lying, at first he said he has no feelings anymore, then admitted there are still some. That was back in July.

Now for weeks he claims there is absolutely nothing and he now wants to reconcile after initially he basically told me he doesn't love me, asked for space and still lied.

He says it was like an illusion and she represented something that was missing in our relationship.

I think he is being genuine now but it's like my brain can't understand how you can go from being completely smitten by someone to feeling absolutely nothing anymore?

Usually the stories in here are when the wayward still love their BP but my partner told me he doesnt. Now he says he said it because he thought there is no way out and that of course he still feels love for me.

He is now much more understanding of me, he stopped with the defensivness and sits with my emotions and answers questions.

He says he feels terrible what he did and that some days he cant even believe it happened.

But I cant stop wondering what if he is doing it just out of comfort and financial reasons? And what if she had the same feelings? This is the worst part for me, how can I not feel just like an option? He doesnt like when I say that but if he would have chosen me from the start he wouldnt continue with it.

I also feel like Im taking more steps, I shouldn't even be telling him what to do. When he said he will schedule couples counselling next day he didnt. When I asked after the whole day he said he forgot. Then when he got a reply with a date he didnt come to me or anything, just let it sit there again until I asked and he said he cant make it that day. I told him this doesnt give me good signals. He understands and asks me to be patient.

I also told him like 5 times if he wants me to trust him I would appreciate him proactively show me their work chat that there is nothing outside of work anymore. He did it after I had to bring it up multiple times. He says he feels terrible when I ask for those things how I can not trust him. He says he is afraid I will misinterpret something but I keep telling him if hes not hiding anything then it just makes me more suspicious when he doesnt do those steps.

I also told him he basically never apologized proactively only when I tell him that. He is then always terribly sorry what he caused and such but I would expect those things without me having to tell him.

So its just that I feel like his actions and words are not fully aligned but on the other hand I can see a different approach. Before he was still raising voice, being defensive and saying how he needs to see I am able to change my ways.

But I am now questioning what I want. Will I be able to live feeling like an option? After he left me for 2 months in agony? He says he felt like it was a huge avalanche of things, how my family and friends knew, how he thought there is no way out, no way I would forgive him and we could move on but still he decided to worsen the situation so I dont know what to think of it. I will now never be able to say I have a partner who would never do such a thing. His loyalty was what I admired most. I always said I would give my life that he would never do something like that. And now its gone. For me even just the thought of doing something like this makes me wanna puke. Will I ever be able to live like this and be happy and not live in fear he might fall for another girl again? Will I ever stop wondering what if she reciprocated his feelings?

When someone says "My wife/husband would never cheat on me" what they should be saying is I hope and pray my spouse never cheats on me.

No relationship is immune from an affair. It's a possibility from day one of the relationship. We have this naive fantasy that our spouse would never do something that would break our heart, but it is fantasy. Were you to ask any of our family and friends if they could ever see my wife doing what she did and the resounding answer would have been hell no, you are crazy for even thinking that. Yet it happened.

I can understand your reservations. What would have happened had she said yes to a relationship? Did he pick me because she didn't pick him? These are valid questions. Along with him not putting in the effort to repair the relationship would make anybody wonder about his sincerity.

Words have very little weight, actions speak much louder.

Him discussing his marital problems with her is a huge red flag. The majority of affairs start with co-workers and when coworkers become too comfortable with each other, that's when trouble starts. That's why I have never been comfortable with coworkers going out drinking and socializing with each other.

Until he is ready to put in the work to fix himself and then the relationship, R will be very difficult.

I think you have an expectation that as a cheater, he will move mountains to Reconcile. That he will willingly go to therapy and apologize to you on his own.

But yet you are seeing very typical cheater behavior. He’s sorry — when you have to say something to him about his cheating.

He’s not jumping through hoops with the therapy either. And to me, it’s a red flag 🚩 that he would rather rug sweep the lying & cheating than do any work or put forth effort to address his issues.

FWIW my H had a typical midlife crisis affair and would tell me he wanted a D regularly. I never stood in his way and yet, he would then change his mind and decide he didn’t want a D. I was in this rollercoaster for months.

But the difference is that after he ended the affair, he did everything possible to make amends. On his own. I refused to help him and he needed to prove to me he was worth another chance.

Your partner had an emotional affair, even if it was one-sided. Don’t dismiss it as "nothing" which may be what he is trying to do.

In short it appears that had this co-worker given him the green light— this would have been a full blown affair.

Only you can decide if you want to stay with him. But if you aren’t getting what you need to heal from him, I’d say you should consider ending the relationship with him.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:28 PM, Saturday, September 5th]