BondJaneBond,
Thank you for this. It is brutal, unvarnished, and exactly what I needed to read, even though it stings.
You are completely right that he chose this. There was no magic spell or hypnosis—he wanted a new place to park his junk, took the opportunity because it was handed to him, and then tried to blame everything and everyone else to escape accountability.
What makes it so bitter for me is the history. I didn't just stumble into a marriage with a stranger. I built his foundation: I helped with his career, paid for his studies, and introduced him to the exact network where he is now over the last 20 years. To take all of that, throw it at a cheap option, and then expect me to just swallow it and pretend it’s "long ago" is infuriating.
You asked why I stayed. A huge part of it was to protect my kids, but also inertia, fear of change, and looking at the massive life we built. But you hit the nail on the head: if I were dating him today and found out what he did, I wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole.
He has a lifelong pattern of caving to manipulators—starting with his manipulative, narcissistic mother, who hates everyone and celebrated other family members' divorces. When he visited her weeks ago, he went right back into that toxic echo chamber, came back completely detached, and started treating me like the enemy based on the fake narrative he fed them from day one to protect his own ego. And the moment I snap under the pressure of his ghosting and coldness, he points the finger and calls me "bipolar" or tells me I have a bad temper.
You're right. I can't live like a hostage in a marriage that has become a prison, and I refuse to rug-sweep anymore. Thank you for spelling it out so clearly. I have a lot of hard thinking to do about what I actually want for my future. I am just keeping my peace at the moment and see...
Thanks 🙏
