It's a rollercoaster. In the real sense.
If you have read my last post, I was so overwhelmed that morning, I truly felt like a pressure cooker who was about to explode.
Since then, we had one truly good day and then a couple of weeks of... "greyness". Not necessarily arguing, more a weird calmness, when things seem normal on the surface, but we all knew it was just a temporary putting the arms down. I don't know if I dread more the "grey area" when days are apparently normal but I can perceive in my bones the drifting of any hope, or the hard and direct arguing and confrontational days (where I feel so much pressure that I just want it to stop).
So yes, 2 weeks of greyness, over 1 week of arguing. And before these 3 weeks, progresses were stuck anyway. Both in the M and with my IC. I had a breakthrough in IC about a month ago, and since then nothing. I needed time to genuinely process that, but I also temporarily stopped IC due to holidays and having the children at home.
Then, a week ago, we had to put our beloved dog to sleep. She was our girl, but mainly my girl. It broke me. It was the pain of losing a beloved companion, but also I felt like my family was really starting to break. Now that we didn't have a part of our unit, a first tangible crack, our life could really start breaking apart (I know this is emotional thinking and not rational).
Things felt worse than ever because there seemed to be no more hope. We were both so tired and devastated that the idea of giving up felt like a lifeline (mainly for my BS, I was more in a passive state, I just hoped for all that hardship to go away).
And then, between Saturday night and Sunday morning, we managed to take a small step towards recovery / healing / resolution / reconciliation. No matter the name, it was a small positive step. And now we are both fully back in the ring (R is still on the table).
After Sunday morning, I was genuinely humbled by the grace my H showed me.
And I know he is showing me grace everyday by just sticking around with me.
We are only 9 months out, so extremely early days.
I guess with this post I only wanted to say that even when everything feels lost and as a wayward you may feel you are missing the main thing your BS needs, just keep doing the work. Keep going. Regardless of the outcome.
I confess I feel a slightly better human today. Among several things that changed, 9 months ago after every confrontation, I needed to hear at least one thing that I was doing well. I don't seek positive feedback anymore. I don't want to hear "you are doing well" just to soothe myself.
Today I feel good. I can't say how much it will last, but today I want to enjoy this feeling.
I don't feel alienated.
I am also grateful to foreverlabeled for her book recommendation. I haven't dived into the book yet, but I needed the "encouragement" to keep moving.
That's all for now.
[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 2:53 PM, Monday, August 17th]
