SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am reading an interesting book, one that is challenging my way of interacting with others when stress, of any kind or origins, is involved. On page 100 it asked me something that I have asked myself hundreds of thousands of times. The question was not what I found challenging. It was what followed the question, a zinger of a statement, that really has my mind focused on the enquiry it asked.

Are there any circumstances under which I could imagine myself behaving as they do? If my answer is yes, I’m reminded that they are human. If my answer is no, I haven’t considered the question deep enough.

What's the book and the question?

This reminds me of the Roman playwright Terrance who once wrote:

"Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto."

"I am human, and I consider nothing that is human to be alien to me".

I’m assuming this is asking if I’d cheat on my wife as she cheated on me? This should be a simple answer but of course for me it’s not.

Difficult to give a yes/no on this. I think it was sissoon who said some of us are hardwired not to cheat, I’ve always felt I was one of those creatures but I also know I’m human and the right set of circumstances could change everything. I’ve had some great opportunities to cheat but it wasn’t me pursuing and as soon as I saw what was going on I ran away asap.

After my wife told me about her affair the idea of revenge cheating crossed my mind but I knew I would never do that. It definitely wouldn’t make things better and I couldn’t put her through that kind of heartbreak, even in my messed up state of mind!

I'm guessing the question isn't specifically about infidelity, but any and all behavior in general.

Pogre, you’re probably right but since Asterisk posted here I figured I’d put my 2 cents in :)

Can I imagine robbing my wife of her agency, violating her consent, deceiving her about the reality of her own life, and choosing not to protect her when doing so would cost me something I wanted?

No. I cannot.

Understanding another person’s humanity does not require me to believe that I would eventually make the same choice if only I thought deeply enough about it.

At some point, agency matters.

I have struggled with people saying they "could never"commit infidelity, as in, they consider themselves incapable. Not because I think people are inherently bad or morally corrupt, but because I thought myself incapable of doing that to my H as well. I even convinced myself of it after having done it on multiple prior occasions...

The thing about infidelity is that prior, during, and afterwards, a WS is often way deep into delusion territory. Many WS describe "not knowing how this happened," because they rationalize their way all the way up to the line, and then they get so close they don't even notice the point at which they cross it. You don't even need to go seeking out an affair for it to "find you," and many WS don't even recognize that they're vulnerable to temptation when it presents itself, even if they've declined dozens of times before. People often have issues they don't even know about until they express themselves as unfaithful behavior and betrayal...Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass does a great job elaborating on the workings of the "slippery slope" A.

Ironically, I feel much safer now being able to say "I am capable of infidelity. I did that and I could do it again. But I don't want to, and so I'm not going to let my guard down against the possibility." At the advice of the sage Unhinged, I have stopped chasing "I am incapable of cheating" and replaced it with "I am unwilling to cheat." That feels so much better.

I know that it's a pretty contentious subject, but I lean toward Morbs' position on this. My wife is the last person anyone would have thought would do something like that. No major FOO issues, was never promiscuous growing up, and we had 27 years of loyalty and fidelity. I'm convinced she did and still does love me very deeply, but she had an affair.

I know this is a hot take, and I think there are plenty of people who are truly loyal, very unwilling to ever have an affair, and never will. I know those people exist, but I think pretty much anyone is capable given the right (wrong?) conditions and the right set of circumstances.