SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OhItsYou, Very good point, you probably saw on an earlier post that we’ve talked about the affair no more than 45 minutes total over a 33 year period so any questions she would answer would really help in my healing!

you probably saw on an earlier post that we’ve talked about the affair no more than 45 minutes total over a 33 year period so any questions she would answer would really help in my healing!

If you’re not willing to enforce any consequences for her refusal to talk about this, then why exactly do you think she’d ever start?

gr8ful, good question! I don’t think forcing consequences after three decades of me not forcing them would do much good. I don’t expect her to talk, she said she would talk if I wanted to but as far as she’s concerned it’s just bringing up a painful subject, I can’t get her to see it from my point of view so I just left it alone.

I was hoping that one day she would set me down and explain everything to me but I know that’s unlikely to happen.
33 years is a long time so over the years I just never brought it up until my trigger 2 years ago.

I went about everything wrong when she told be about her affair. I would’ve loved to have had a resource like SI to guide me but I didn’t. I didn’t talk to anyone about it so I didn’t get any advice either. I went it alone and tried my best to figure it out for myself. Protecting my son was always my number one priority and I put up with a lot for him. I hid my pain and tried to be a good Dad so I pushed all the affair stuff to the back burner and unfortunately left it there to simmer! 20/20 hindsight stings sometimes!

Just my own humble opinion here. There are no statutes of limitations on infidelity.

Just my own humble opinion here. There are no statutes of limitations on infidelity.

Agreed Unhinged.

she said she would talk if I wanted to but as far as she’s concerned it’s just bringing up a painful subject, I can’t get her to see it from my point of view so I just left it alone.

31RS:

Have you ever asked your WW what she would do if you were to have an affair? If so, what was her response? Would it be no big deal to her or would it be a deal breaker and an automatic divorce? Surely, you've questioned her on this point.. if not you need to do it ASAP. Also, how has she acted over the years if another woman was acting nice to you or even mildly flirting with you in front of her? Insanely jealous, no big deal?

I'm not advising you to have a revenge affair but it may kick start further discussions with your WW if she believes you may be considering such an option. Or other options such as seeking a separation or a divorce. I don't mean to offend you 31RS but your WW may think of you as being such a doormat since you rug swept her affair that she thinks she has you so pussy whipped that you're coiled around her finger. It's obvious that she didn't respect you when she was having her affair-- has anything changed since then or does it still continue?

By asking these questions, you might be able to make her see it from your point of view. Let her consider what it may feel like if the shoe was on the other foot. I have a feeling from how and what you posted that you are a good, kind, righteous and honorable man. Your WW used these characteristics against you. Your willingness to rug sweep and seemingly to forgive your WW with no consequences since the affair has only reinforced these beliefs with your WW. It's gone on for so long that your WW is just hoping to let the clock wind down.

You're only 61- you're not dead. You probably have another 20-30 years to live. Tell her you don't want to be living in an assisted living home with her, still thinking of the past. Make her think you are truly considering your options and I bet she starts to open up.

If she still refuses to talk, use her own language against her-- tell her you're a "different person" since your panic attack and that you're going to go have a conversation with your son and then walk away.

Unhinged, you’re exactly right!

NukeZombie, I sure did! I asked her what if I took my old girlfriend (we had broken up over a year before I met my current wife) to supper then we went to a hotel. My wife said she wouldn’t be surprised which absolutely shocked me! I’ve been faithful and loyal to my current wife since I met her. I guess maybe she thinks I see the world the same way she does.

You brought up something I hadn’t thought about, I can remember on at least three occasions that when a women talked to me or joked with me that my wife would be very jealous and let me know about it in the car on the way home. Two of these were in church and the other was a company picnic. Please understand I don’t flirt, I am very standoffish and overly polite and am always close to my wife when we’re out.

I always wondered how she could respect me since she suffered absolutely no repercussions for her infidelity! I get frustrated thinking about it sometimes.

I retired from the military and I did a couple of one year tours in Korea. Let me tell you, everyone was screwing around. It was like high school with unlimited alcohol! The chain of command told us if you’re gonna screw around make sure the person you screw around with has more to lose than you, honest to God statement!
Opportunities to cheat were literally everywhere and my first trip over was 3 months after my wife told me about her affair.
My secret to staying faithful in that environment was this, first, never drink enough to affect your judgement and second, always think in that moment how you will feel the next morning and third and Ironically the strongest reason that I had for not cheating was that I couldn’t imagine putting my wife through the pain she put me through!

BTW NukeZombie, you did not offend me at all, I understand in here that everyone’s comments are sincerely out of concern and I appreciate the help. I’ve been seeing things the same way for so long that I sometimes have trouble seeing things from a different perspective which is what you good folks supply!

BTW NukeZombie, you did not offend me at all, I understand in here that everyone’s comments are sincerely out of concern and I appreciate the help. I’ve been seeing things the same way for so long that I sometimes have trouble seeing things from a different perspective which is what you good folks supply!

What do you think about NukeZombie's suggestion about introducing some potential consequences? Many of us here suffered and put up with apathy and a lack of understanding from our WSes until some real consequences were introduced. I think Nuke gave you a pretty good template to start with.

You're only 61- you're not dead. You probably have another 20-30 years to live. Tell her you don't want to be living in an assisted living home with her, still thinking of the past. Make her think you are truly considering your options and I bet she starts to open up.

If she still refuses to talk, use her own language against her-- tell her you're a "different person" since your panic attack and that you're going to go have a conversation with your son and then walk away.

It's not jumping straight to divorce talk, but it might plant a seed that lets her know you know your worth and might consider exploring your options if she won't give you what you need. That being some sort of closure and a chance to start really healing. Have you let her know how much this has been eating at you and how rug sweeping it was a bad idea?

If she read that book she should know how devastating this is. I whole-heartedly agree with Unhinged. There is no statute of limitations on infidelity. If she doesn't want you dwelling on the past then she can try to help you put it to rest.

Pogre, I’m pretty sure she knows how bad this has been eating at me. I had to shut down bedroom activities for the past 5 months because her AP kept entering my mind. But I had to balance everything because I noticed right after I shut down the bedroom activities that I was drifting away from her in my mind.
I told her we needed to resume bedroom activities because they made me feel closer to her. We don’t make love we have sex, as I’m sure most here are aware that ended on disclosure! We agreed if I couldn’t continue because her AP suddenly entered my mind that we would just try some other time. Problem is keeping him out of my head but I recently learned about ways to try and fix that.

I’m sure I’d be labeled a simp by some folks because I didn’t stand up for myself and compromised my dignity and self respect. You guys are right, how can my wife respect someone who tolerates what she did!

I’m very interested in NukeZombies comment about introducing potential consequences. I’ve obviously put up with apathy and lack of understanding.

It’s kind of of ironic how people comment about our wonderful marriage for over 40 years. They ask what our secret is and I always think to myself "lack of accountability"

About 3 months ago were talking in the truck driving home from the grocery store and I’m not sure why she brought it up but she asked me if I would remarry if something happened to her and I immediately said "no". She was surprised how fast I said no, she asked was it because we’ve been married so long that I didn’t want to start over and I said no, I would never remarry because I’ll never trust another woman. I told her I can’t go through that pain ever again because it’s so horrific. It was a quiet ride the rest of the way home! So yes, she knows how bad this affects me.

I’m sure I’d be labeled a simp by some folks because I didn’t stand up for myself and compromised my dignity and self respect. You guys are right, how can my wife respect someone who tolerates what she did!

Simp? Not here. Absolutely not. We all know how incredibly hard it is to survive infidelity, even with the incredible help, guidance, support and wisdom offered by this community. To have tried to survive it on your own is incredibly brave and admirable.

I think you're making a terrible assumption about your wife's opinion of you for staying. In 31 years has she said or done anything that would belie such an opinion?

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In the pull-down menu at the top of the page you'll find a link to The Healing Library. In the "Articles" section you'll find a wealth of excellent essays written by veteran SI members. I highly recommend checking them out.

31RS,

...your WW may think of you as being such a doormat since you rug swept her affair that she thinks she has you so pussy whipped that you're coiled around her finger.

I’m sure I’d be labeled a simp by some folks because I didn’t stand up for myself and compromised my dignity and self respect. You guys are right, how can my wife respect someone who tolerates what she did!
I’m very interested in NukeZombies comment about introducing potential consequences. I’ve obviously put up with apathy and lack of understanding.

Your voice is beginning to change. Make sure it is because of wisdom gained not bitterness absorbed.

Asterisk