SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My moment of clarity happened.

We have been having a wonderful four months of reconciliation. Hard talks, read the book, meaningful and fun times. I thought everything was going really well. Until the other betrayed husband reached out. He let me know that my husband and his wife were still having the affair. Just hidden better. All four of us talked together so the truth came out. And I knew I am done with the marriage. Right then.

My husband wants to work it out. He feels he is sick and needs help. But, I don't feel like that road anymore. I tried the reconciliation and it failed. I put my all into it. Now, I am ready to focus on my future. I told him we are now separated and am figuring out the steps to divorce. My mental health is coming first now and I need to be done with his lying and cheating and gaslighting. I see he is not the man I thought he was. Thank goodness the other husband reached out! I will forever be grateful to him.

I am back to not eating or sleeping but I know I will get through it. I am devastated and don't want the divorce but he made marriage impossible.

Thank you all for your support on this site. You've helped me more than you could ever know.

I'm so sorry he's putting you through this nightmare. Just know that the failed R attempt is not on you. It's entirely on him, 100%.

Take care of yourself as well as you can. Try to eat small, healthy meals, stay hydrated, get outside and let Mother Nature heal you a bit.

Thank you all for your support on this site. You've helped me more than you could ever know.

We know. I know. It's why I keep trying to pay it forward. SI is a truly wonderful community.

I was in your exact shoes 13 years ago (except I reached out to the OW — she wasn’t married) but she answered my 2 questions with honesty.

I understand your decision to protect your sanity and put yourself first.

I applaud you for recognizing that HIS ACTIONS completely contradict his words. You have no ability to trust anything and are basing your decisions on facts, actions and verification from the OBS.

I know the next days are very hard. Consider getting professional advice and counseling from someone who can walk with you and support you during the D and after, to help you heal.

I'm sorry you didn't get what you want.

Very early on I was told that I had to heal me; my W had to heal herself; and as we healed individually, we could heal our M.

I found that to be a very powerful message. It meant that I could survive and thrive with or without my W.

Your H failed, and that is killing your M. It's a tragedy, IMO, that your WS is not healing. You, however, are taking steps to survive and thrive. Brava!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:53 PM, Saturday, July 25th]

I'm so sorry, SS. False reconciliation after months of trying to R is absolutely shattering. You gave him a second chance, and he threw it in your face. For me, it was worse than DDay1. I think you're making the right decision. Mine also gave me the "I'm sick and need help" story, and I fell for it. I really wish I hand't. I saw a divorce lawyer at the time, but he stared bending over backwards, so I didn't file and gave him another chance. In hindsight, I should've left then and there.

Your WS *is* sick and *does* need help (as did mine), but it's not your responsibility to do that for him, nor does he need to be married to get help. What he does in the months after you start the divorce process will tell you how genuine he is in wanting to get better. If it's a tactic to keep you married to him, he'll drop all his efforts after a few months and go back to feeling sorry for himself and doing whatever he wants. I suggest you proceed with the divorce, live separately in the meantime, and observe how he conducts himself.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Take care! The best part of separating is that your healing will move faster. I hope you can tell your kids the truth about the marriage now, too, since they are young adults and there will be good lessons to learn from your example.