SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

New to the forums and curious about where I go from here.

I am WW. My dday was about 8 months ago. I chose to end my affair and self-disclose. Prior to doing so I had researched extensively what the fall out would be and though I’d say I was prepared, I was not prepared.

Since then we’ve actively decided to reconcile and have been making decent progress. My husband has been very gracious, he chose to forgive me fairly early on and is committed to continuing forward. TBH, I don’t really have any concerns about us reconciling right now.

But I’m not sure where to go from here in my own individual journey - I’ve been seeing a therapist almost weekly since a few weeks prior to my disclosure. Read a lot of books on affairs, marriage, family origins, attachment, fawning, etc. I’ve learned a lot about myself and the mechanisms or influences behind some of the decisions I’ve made.

I’m also slowly learning to recognize when it manifests as a behavior and how to choose a healthy alternative. I did get told by my therapist that it’s not really something I can rush, that it takes time.

Weirdly, both my husband and I have recognized this process of transformation will probably be longer than his process of healing. I don’t mean that lightly. We’ve both just learned a lot about things I chose to forget or ignore and it’s going to take time to unpack the history of what came before the marriage and how it intersected with our marriage.

I guess I’m just curious what came next for everyone else. Was it mostly just continuing therapy, practicing what you were learning, and giving it time? Or was there something else that really helped during this stage?

Neither my W nor I had any idea of the impact of her A would be. I did suspect from the start that healing is more difficult for a WS than a BS.

As a BS, all I had to do was process the pain of being betrayed out of my body. That means I had to figure out how to get through barriers to processing pain, too.

My W had to 1) process the pain of betraying, 2) process the pain that her A allowed her to put off for a while, and 3) change from betrayer to good partner.

And we both had to decide to stay or go.

The answer to 'what next?' is in you. I'd agree that part of it is to make a good choice every time you have to choose. Alas, not every choice is easy.Also, I suspect a good general rule is to approach your BS when you have to choose between approaching and letting him be ... except that I often want to be by myself, so I want my W to give me space. She does not have an easy choice in that area. (We're retired and spend a lot of time together.)

The key is that both of you need to ask for what you want. Not intuitive, but it really helps connect.

This may be off the intent of this thread but I have to ask: Did you write your BH a full WRITTEN timeline of your affair? EVERYTHING related to the affair needs to be in it, including the buildup of it--especially the buildup of it I'd say, and also including conversations about it with friends. At each step, you need to put in what you were thinking and feeling and WHY YOU GAVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to move forward i.e., to betray your husband and family.

Write it out, in a document that you can revise and add to, and give to your BH. Give him a draft and then revise per his questions and discussion. Right now he has so many mental processes running through his head trying to keep everything straight, and it would make things much easier for him if it were written down in an orderly fashion in a document he can access when he needs to. He doesn't have to remember if it is written down and he can read it when he needs to.

It always really concerns me when a BH says that he "forgives" the affair early on, usually that is a strong symptom of *Rugsweeping*. Very very bad to do you know.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:00 AM, Sunday, July 12th]

Hello, NotMyIdentity

TBH, I don’t really have any concerns about us reconciling right now.

That's a very bold statement to make. Reconciliation is never a forgone conclusion. At 8 months out from d-day, I don't think many betrayed spouses have such confidence. And to hear this from a WS, for me, is particularly disconcerting. I would highly encourage you to rethink your disposition.

In The Healing Library (accessible from the pull-down menu at the top of the page) you'll find a link to the "Articles" tab, which contains a wealth of excellent essays written by veteran SI members. Under "recovery / reconciliation" is an article entitled: "Wayward: The Work," by foreverlabeled.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/wayward-the-work/

Reconciliation is not a linear process. There's no check list. There are no precise stages.

Is there something specific you're trying to understand?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 7:22 PM, Saturday, July 11th]

"It always really concerns me when a BH says that he "forgives" the affair early on, usually that is a strong symptom of *Rugsweeping*. Very very bad to do you know."

Yes this was SOOO true in my case. Especially because a detail she thought was no big deal to disclose was a HUGE deal for me.

The levee broke the flood came, ten years later, and I as the BS had the ADDED trauma of knowing I rugswept in a cowardly way instead of confronting our issues head on. And I have no one to blame but myself for that.

So watch out for that. You want to process everything ASAP.

Next, I was originally very opposed to therapy. I didn't have a lot of money, was starting a new professional job, I felt like it was unfair of my newlywed wife to suggest I pay in time and money for something that I didn't even do.

Now, I can see that therapy would have been very good for me, and if she had organized it and paid for it and approached me just right maybe I would have gone and benefited.

Since then we’ve actively decided to reconcile and have been making decent progress. My husband has been very gracious, he chose to forgive me fairly early on and is committed to continuing forward.

Forgave and moving forward early on or just kinda sweeping it under the rug and didn't really address or talk much about it?

If you've been doing a lot of reading and research then you probably saw that the average time it takes a BS to recover from betrayal trauma is 2 to 5 years. Some will say 18 months to 2 years but that's a little too optimistic, imo. Betrayal trauma is real trauma. PTSD symptoms are common. 8 months is a significant length of time but still fairly early in the game when it comes to recovering from infidelity. I wouldn't assume that reconciliation is a forgone conclusion this early on. If there's any rug sweeping happening it can really come back to bite you, even years from now.

Have you made a full confession including how it started, how far it went, how many times, etc? Like a full timeline of events and actions? Is there anything you've held back or didn't tell him? Whatever you do, don't trickle truth him. That's a relationship killer. If there is anything else, it would be far better for him to hear it from you than to stumble across or find out from someone else later.

Hey, welcome NotMyIdentity

I’m really glad you’re here and asking these questions, because the stage you’re in is one of the most confusing parts of the wayward journey. The crisis has calmed, your marriage is stabilizing from the bomb that went off, and now you’re staring at the long road of reconstructing yourself, not just the marriage.

And because you confessed, did the research, and probably caused less chaos than most WS who are caught off guard and start fighting for their life, you may have experienced something a little less like a nuclear blast and more like a MOAB. That could be part of what you’re seeing in his early "forgiveness." But I don’t think it’s true forgiveness yet. At 8 months it’s almost always shock, denial, and a little hope mixed in.

It’s wonderful that he’s committed to reconciliation, but forgiveness is usually a long, multi year process. And year two is often the hardest for both partners. That’s when the numbness wears off, the reality settles, and the full weight of the betrayal lands.

The betrayed spouse’s healing is intense and nonlinear, but the wayward spouse’s transformation is deep, identity‑level work. It’s not about fixing the affair; it’s about rebuilding the parts of yourself that made the affair possible.

I did get told by my therapist that it’s not really something I can rush, that it takes time.

This is true. My experience with this part was that I was so ready to get my shit together I thought that my determination and willingness would see me through a swift transformation. I actually laugh at that version of myself now. I had no idea what "the work" really meant. The real transformation comes from doing the deeper internal work that changes who you are, not just how you behave. There were days I felt like I was gutting myself like a pumpkin to make room for something new. Hollow in between, unsure of who I was becoming.

This may seem like a no brainer .. One of the biggest turning points for me was practicing radical honesty. I had spent so many years avoiding, minimizing, or softening the truth that honesty felt foreign.

So I made it something I practiced every single day, in every part of my life. No white lies, no half truths, no strategic omissions, no deception at all. I needed honesty to become my knee-jerk reaction instead of something I had to consciously force. And once it started feeling natural, I could finally turn that same honesty inward.

That’s when the real introspection began, looking at myself through a clear, unfiltered lens, naming the patterns I used to hide from, and slowly dismantling the parts of me that made dishonesty feel easier than truth.

My biggest piece of advice is that you don’t have to take all of yourself on at once. This takes time. Start with what’s most obvious. Practice, consistency, and patience are the core ingredients. The deeper identity work is not an overnight transformation.

I’d also suggest reading around the other forums. You can’t post in Just Found Out, but you can learn a lot there. It can be tough to read, but it was instrumental for me.

I learned quickly that I was on the front line of two very different battlefields, my healing and my BH’s. It’s just as important to stay attuned to his emotional landscape, understand betrayal trauma, learn the grief process, and recognize what cheating strips from a BS. This will seep into your everyday life, and learning to hold some of that weight with strength and steadiness matters.

You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. But starting with safety and honesty is a must. That’s the baseline everything else is built on. Continue there.

My BH and I are just shy of a year out from DDay. I often thought that he was doing "a lot better" with the betrayal and healing more swiftly than other BS on here seemed to be doing... Turns out, he's just processing it more quietly... Always remain curious about your BS's internal experience, and maybe check in with him once in a while if he doesn't bring it up himself. It's a possibility that he's struggling more than he lets on and he's just trying to protect you, rather than all is forgiven and well now.

It’s extremely unlikely that a betrayed partner is ready to forgive so easily.

The only two options I can think of for that to be vaguely possible (still not plausible) are:

1 - he is a serial cheater and he is messing around betraying you left and right and keeps your betrayal as a uno reverse card in case you find out (but this works only if he is also a sociopath, even a serial cheater suffers from the trauma of being betrayed)

2- he is complete denial and dissociation. What you call rugsweeping, he is trying to force into reality that it didn’t happen and he wasn’t betrayed by you. But he was. It will fester for a while, even years, eating at him, until some day he either collapses or blows up. And you will blow up too.

Instead of a stream of pain it will be a tsunami of hurt, disgust and anger, and you will drown, your relationship will most likely not survive it.

Don’t underestimate the entity of infidelity, you might be rugsweeping the guilt and shame too (I didn’t feel any guilt in your post, at least for now).

Morbs, earlier on you had said that you had not asked forgiveness from your husband, and I presume it is because you felt it was his to give and not yours to ask for, and now I am curious whether that might actually help to AVOID premature surface-level forgiveness.

Morbs, earlier on you had said that you had not asked forgiveness from your husband, and I presume it is because you felt it was his to give and not yours to ask for

Right. That and this site shaped how I view forgiveness-- that sometimes it takes a long, long while to happen, and sometimes never comes [fully] at all, but rather the anger/pain/grief just lessens or subsides with processing of the betrayal. I'll take what I can get.

now I am curious whether that might actually help to AVOID premature surface-level forgiveness.

Probably helps. Can't hurt.

Sisoon,

Thank you for the recommendation. I'd say we're both pretty good about checking in with each other and having conversations about wants, hurts, and needs.

I think I'm getting the picture. It sounds like there isn't really some big revelation or "third step" in this journey. It's more about taking what you've learned and continuing to practice it over time.

WontBeFooledAgain,

Full disclosure has happened. I wrote a timeline within the first ten days after D-Day. Looking back, I probably should've written it beforehand, but at the time I was honestly more focused on the initial conversation.

I was able to tell him everything that happened pretty early on. Understanding what I was thinking and feeling at every step has taken longer. A lot of that understanding has come through therapy and just having enough distance to look back honestly. I don't think I had that level of insight in those first days, even though I could tell him what happened.

My husband and I have also talked quite a bit about whether either of us thinks we're rugsweeping. Neither of us believes we are. We had a lot of hard conversations early on about what happened, and we still have them when they're needed. They just look different now. It's less about managing the immediate crisis and more about talking through whatever comes up.

Unhinged,

I agree it would be a bold statement to say I have no concerns at all or that we're somehow finished reconciling. That's not what I meant.

I know reconciliation is a gift that can be taken back at any point, and I know we're still early in the process. When I said I don't have concerns right now, I just meant that today we both feel like reconciliation is moving in a healthy direction. I'm not assuming there won't be difficult periods ahead.

Thank you for the article. My situation is a little different, but I still found parts of it helpful.

I think I'm starting to understand there maybe just isn't a "next step." In the beginning it felt like surviving each day. Now I notice progress every week or two instead. Maybe that's what my therapist meant when she said it can't be rushed. I think I'm just impatient to consistently live what I'm learning instead of only understanding it.

CantBeMeEither ,

My husband has been in therapy since the first few weeks after D-Day. It's been really good for him, and with his therapist's blessing he's reached a point where he doesn't need regular sessions anymore.

Pogre,

Yes, I know the timeline is years, not months, and I'm not trying to rush his healing or our reconciliation. I expected this to be a long process.

Full disclosure happened. I read a lot about the damage trickle truth causes before confessing and was determined not to put him through that.

foreverlabeled,

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I really appreciated hearing from someone who's further out.

We both believe he's forgiven me, while also recognizing that healing isn't finished and his feelings may continue to change over time.

Your reply got me thinking about the identity piece. I think I see it a little differently.

I absolutely believe there are parts of myself that need to change. The affair was my choice, and I take full responsibility for the hurt it caused and for the fact that I made choices that went against my values.

Where I see it a little differently is that I don't think the affair means I'm fundamentally an unfaithful or dishonest person. I think it means I became someone who was capable of making those choices, and that's what I'm trying to understand and change.

A big part of my work has been understanding how I got to that place and why I was able to make choices that were so out of alignment with the person I want to be. That work has included looking at my coping mechanisms, my relationship with conflict, how I handle my own needs, and the ways I learned to disconnect instead of addressing things directly.

I don't mean that the affair wasn't part of me or that it doesn't say anything about me. It was something I did, and I own that. I just don't believe the answer is only to see myself as a fundamentally bad or dishonest person that needs a complete identity overhaul. The work for me is understanding the parts of myself that allowed this to happen and changing those parts so I don't become that person again.

GotTheMorbs,

I usually check in with him every day to see how he's doing, and we tend to have a deeper conversation a couple of times a week. We both feel pretty comfortable that we're not avoiding the hard conversations or rugsweeping at this point.

BackfromtheStorm,

I mean this respectfully, but I think that's a couple of really big assumptions to make based on such a small snapshot of our lives.

I'm also not sure what gave you the impression that I don't understand the seriousness of what I did. I have a lot of remorse and regret, and I have a decent understanding of the impact infidelity and betrayal trauma have had on my husband. I just didn't write about those feelings explicitly because that is not the point of the post.

Well, best of luck. I hope reconciliation continues to go well for you two.

BackfromtheStorm,

I mean this respectfully, but I think that's a couple of really big assumptions to make based on such a small snapshot of our lives.

I'm also not sure what gave you the impression that I don't understand the seriousness of what I did. I have a lot of remorse and regret, and I have a decent understanding of the impact infidelity and betrayal trauma have had on my husband. I just didn't write about those feelings explicitly because that is not the point of the post.

Quite simply your confidence that you have no doubt about your reconciliation could turn out to be a giant blindspot.

What your husband did I did, as many other BS did. Forgiveness is not as easy and true as it sounds.

I have realized just how deeply betrayal trauma goes, they are several layers and it’s very unusual for a Bs to process all of it in such a short period.

It doesn’t take months, it takes years to just understand what’s going on inside you when you’re betrayed.

Then you have to heal those wounds.

The timing of your forgiveness sounds premature for most bs are still into the "denial phase" by few months in, not even the realization of anger phase is reached usually in such a short span.

When we see this, is usually rugsweeping, think of it as avoidance from the pain, but the trauma has already a seed inside you and will do it’s thing until you acknowledge it and work on healing to root it out.

You may have researched it and understand how it works. It’s very different from having lived it.

That’s the kind of insight offered to you.

Like everything else, do with it what you think is best, consider it or ignore it.

- The important part

I'm also not sure what gave you the impression that I don't understand the seriousness of what I did.

You are 8 months out of Dday.

Reconciliation needs 2 healed people to simply start the process. If it’s in the menu, it’s the very last item.

I offer you three questions that are food for thought:

Are you confident you are both already healed?

I felt your personality tends towards perfectionism and overachieving from that small snapshot. Is it something that you have perhaps noticed / confronted already by yourself or therapy?

Do you see reconciliation as a continuation of your previous relationship or do you see infidelity as a relationship ender, leaving nothing but ruins about what was past, present and future?

You don’t have to answer me, this is not a test for the ego.
this is a tool, mirror for yourself to see what your true understanding is at an emotional level.

There’s no "correct answer" to show others, there’s only the true answer you feel, and that’s what it’s valuable for you and your therapy if you’re ready.

I would say where you both stand now is simply here: your husband didn’t divorce you outright. He is at the very least open to reconciliation.

He will need to heal first. The BS heals the BS
You will need to heal first. The WS heals the WS.

Then together healed, you may try to heal the Marriage. (But it’s a build over, not a rebuilding)

I understand the need to get there faster. We all want to get over it, BS and WS.
What we need to understand though, is that we need to be humble with the process for it’s not easy at all.

You may find in time you were sure to have reached clarity and peace, only for it to crumble suddenly and set you back again.

It’s a long road that takes time.

Nothing it’s impossible, you MAY truly be both fully healed and reconciled 8 months out.
I would keep a healthy dose of skepticism if I were you, and an open mind that it might not be truly the case and you might be looking at a Fata Morgana, right now.

There’s no performance here, is hard work and a lot of blood without any guarantee of outcome.

You must be ready to lose your marriage if you want to save it.

I can’t know for sure just yet if you are ready to understand the above or you will be reactive. I only have a feeling right now.

This is coming from a good place anyway, shame isn’t a focus, it’s a useless reaction that should be taken down. I don’t think you received feedback to make you feel ashamed.

Good luck sister

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:26 AM, Monday, July 13th]

BackfromtheStorm,

I think if you go back and read what I wrote, you'll see I never said reconciliation was guaranteed or that I thought we were somehow "there." I was careful to say right now, and what I meant was that, at this point in time, we both feel like we're moving in a healthy direction and want to continue reconciling.

I also agree that forgiveness isn't simple. I don't think forgiving someone means anger, hurt, grief, or even disgust disappear forever. Those things can all exist alongside forgiveness.

As for your questions:
1. No, I don't think either of us is healed. That's actually why I made this post. The crisis feels different now than it did in the beginning, and I was asking people further along what this stage looked like.
2. Honestly, I wish I were sometimes. I'd probably get a lot more done. But no, I know that's not really me, and it's never been something that has come up in therapy.
3. I know there are different ways people view reconciliation. The "second marriage" idea is one of them, but it doesn't really resonate with us. That's okay. Different approaches work for different couples.

I also don't believe two completely healed people are required before a marriage can begin healing. That may be true for some couples, but it hasn't been our experience. We've both been doing our own work while also working on our marriage, and those things have actually supported each other.

You're right that before I disclosed, I had to accept that I could lose my marriage. I knew that was a real possibility, and I still know it's a possibility. Neither of us can control the outcome. What we can control is the work we're choosing to do right now.

Where I'm struggling with your replies is that it feels like you've filled in a lot of blanks about my husband based on very little information. You've raised the possibilities that he may be in denial, that his forgiveness may not be genuine, or that he may be experiencing something other than what he is telling me. I understand those are patterns you've seen and that you're trying to caution me against assuming we're past this.

The part I'm having trouble with is that those possibilities seem to be treated as more likely than the possibility that he is simply processing this differently than you did. If someone mentioned serial cheating as one possible explanation for something, it wouldn't make sense for me to conclude they were a serial cheater based on that alone. I don't know enough about them to make that assumption.

In the same way, I don't think there's enough information here to know what is happening internally for my husband. Could his feelings change over time? Absolutely. We both expect there will be difficult moments ahead. But I don't think it's fair to conclude from a few paragraphs that he's rugsweeping or that his forgiveness isn't genuine.

I appreciate that you're trying to encourage me not to get complacent, and I don't disagree with that. I also want to be clear that I don't feel ashamed by your feedback, and I don't think shame is what's driving my response here. I'm okay with hearing difficult things, and I actually appreciate people challenging my thinking.

The reason I'm pushing back isn't because the feedback is uncomfortable or because I don't want to consider it. It's because I think there's a difference between raising a possibility and making assumptions about someone based on limited information. I just don't think it's fair to make assumptions about my husband when you've only seen a few paragraphs about our lives.

Just wanted to let you know, when new WS come here, there's a tendency towards a "trial by fire" of sorts for them by more senior members. They have seen WS arrive with distorted perceptions of reality, minimizations, avoidance of accountability, poor understanding of the recovery and reconciliation process, trying to rush things... So they have come to expect these things of newcomers. That does not mean anything you've said is an indication of those things, but rather that others are primed to look for potential indications in whatever you write. Sometimes it's helpful to evaluate if these things are true of you, but you alone know their veracity.

You will come to find that some member are more willing to ask questions to get a more accurate understanding of your actual situation, while others will continue to make assumptions about you based on your wayward status and decline to update their mental model of you no matter how much clarification you offer. Sometimes that clarification is even labelled as "defensiveness" and cause them to double down... Take what's useful to you and leave the rest. (That's advice I foolishly ignored for a long time, and now I see its remarkable importance.)

Perhaps more details about your story would allow us to assist you better.

Sister, there can't be any pushback for a very simple reason:

I am offering you a different angle that you might have overlooked, not an opinion, not a judgement.

That is to protect you against being blind-sighted (that goes for both you and your husband, but I always address the person who writes).

You may see that I do this with everyone, I read what they experience, and offer - although it is very umcomfortable and can be triggering - a different perspective.

It can sound antagonistic if you perceive it reactively. It is not, it's raising redflags over potential pitfalls on your path through peace and healing.

Because infidelity is a mess and a minefield for both BS and WS to navigate. My red flags may suck as I tell them so bluntly, and if they are false positive then good! But no matter how much it sucks to feel "confronted"( again it's not, I don't care for that), is always an order of magnitude better than blow up along the path.

What I care is for the people who come here to find a way to achieve peace again.

I only confronted couple of times those who are delusional, malicious or unremorseful (and I go way heavier than what it felt here believe you me )

I understand that it stirred you a bit, that was expected (not intentional but it does trigger). But if you can read it detached, you will see it is coming from a place of empathy.

On the contrary I will be most interested if you 2 are really progressing so fast, because it is an aspect I didn't yet met in infidelity matters. So I am naturally curious about new information.

Maybe this could also give you an additional charge to "prove yourself" you will not fall in those pitfall and will make it through. You and your partner.

(and I would be very glad if you both manage)

Just wanted to let you know, when new WS come here, there's a tendency towards a "trial by fire" of sorts for them by more senior members.

Oh yes there is that too. Not only for WS though, BSes get torched their fair share as well.

Not necessarily is malicious (I would say most of the times is 'though love').

You have been torched quite a bit as well if I remember sister.
Though I am happy to see how much progress you made in a relatively short time.

@NotMyIdentity

Sometimes feedback from BS might be hard to read for a new Wayward. There might be things that are too uncomfortable to face now, or there might be triggers from the user in question that make them be harsher with a WS than it's necessary.

If that is too much, you can use the "Stop" sign qhen posting, and BSes will not be allowed to respond to your thread, so you will receive advice from other Wses only.

For example as you found my recommendation uncomfortable here, you could put a Stop sign in the next thread you open and I would not reply to the it (nor other BSes).

As this is a place to heal that is a useful tool at your disposal if you feel the need.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 2:35 PM, Monday, July 13th]

Cool. Cool.

My situation is a little different

But... how, exactly?

Where I see it a little differently is that I don't think the affair means I'm fundamentally an unfaithful or dishonest person. I think it means I became someone who was capable of making those choices, and that's what I'm trying to understand and change.

You could frame it that way to make it go down easier, but coping mechanisms don't operate in a vacuum. They are driven by who we are at our core. The entitlement, the self-deception, the ability to rewrite reality to suit your needs in the moment, that is identity-level stuff. It’s the operating system.

​If you think you can just tweak your conflict resolution skills without completely dismantling the underlying architecture that allowed you to deceive your partner, you are setting yourself up for surface-level healing.

You don't need to see yourself as a villain. But the work isn't just about learning how to handle your needs better next time, it's about fundamentally changing the person who wanted to escape and bypass those values in the first place.

Look, you came here asking what's next. If you think your situation is uniquely exempt from the uglier parts of this process, I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for.