SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have posted a couple of times, am in the very early stages of reconciliation and it's been very up and down as expected. Some days I've been so angry and obsessing over the affair partner and looking at her social media, I got drunk after an argument with WS about our situation and I messaged her and now I feel embarrassed and wish I never did it as I wish I never even gave her my energy. I just feel pathetic for even giving her the time of day but I'm also hurt because she knew about me so she's also not innocent. How do I stop obsessing over her? I can't move forward if I keep doing this but I'm struggling with it.

This is very hard - realizing the OW (other woman) is really NOT the reason to worry.

We compare ourselves to the affair partners because we want to know — what does she have that I don’t have?

In my case the OW was 25 years younger and single, no kids. Her best assets were her boobs that hung out of every shirt she wore. She also was covered in tattoos (I have no tattoos) across her boobs, neck, chest, arms, legs etc.

She was a full fledged drama queen (I’m not - I don’t do drama).

At the end of the day, she could have been almost anyone willing to have an affair with my H. The APs are not special. They are just available. They are not prettier or funnier or smarter or better cooks or better pickleball players.

And are people with no morals BTW.

I know that doesn’t help you but that’s the reality of it. Yes some APs truly believe the affair is real and they are going to sale off into the sunset with the cheating spouse and live happily ever after.

My H certainly did. However he had NO idea what lay ahead. Weekends with his kids (not the OW). Family first commitments (not the OW). Less $ thanks to alimony and child support and college tuition etc. I know the OW saw $ - again
because I managed it all (he wanted no part of it).

Most OW can’t hold a candle to the wife. They are certainly not trustworthy.

Would writing out a letter to her and then burning it help, maybe?

Like 1stWife said, the AP could have been anyone. In most cases, they are a downgrade from the BS. The betrayal is usually a blow to the self-esteem, and to counter that, self-love, compassion, and care are necessary. What if every time you had a thought about the OW, you name one thing that you like about yourself, or that you're proud of yourself for?

Hi Selenite,

Sorry you are here with us.

I see that it's been about a month since discovery for you. Thats still really really fresh. Don't worry about mistakes so much. I think most people don't handle this situation well in the beginning. I know I didn't and I'm still struggling to feel fully safe even years later.

In the early months I was so angry at my wife's AP. I also did a lot of comparison of him to me. Why was he "better" why did she risk my health, and our relationship all for this douche bag? What did he have that I don't? We are two years past D-day and to be honest those thoughts still pop up from time to time.

I have had a couple of realizations since then that have helped me:

- I spent a fair amount of time identifying the ways he "seduced" my wife, and all the slimy things he did to insert himself into her world and cross normal boundaries. The anger I felt at him was justified, but in reality the pain I was feeling was from her actions not his. She pursued him back. She allowed boundary crossing. She methodically arranged lies and circumstances to allow her to have her cake and eat it too. Not him. Her. There are douchebags all over the place, but it was her who did this betrayal not him.

- It doesn't matter if the affair partner is better than you at certain things or not. In my case her AP was more wealthy and bold than I am, and for a long time I took that personally. Then it finally dawned on me that these are surface things. If someone has more money, or is better looking, or more charming, or whatever, it doesn't matter because ultimately they can't be trusted and thats by far the more important part of a relationship. The AP, no matter the traits you envy, still participated with your partner in betraying and devastating you, and thats completely despicable. If they want that kind of a partner I say let them. Personally I view myself as FAR above her AP in all the ways that count.

- I considered reaching out to her AP many times, even considered finding him and kicking his ass, but ultimately realized that it would just give him a chance to hurt me further. It would re-involve someone who had no business in our relationship in the first place. Instead I completely ignore him. I don't even give him the respect of using his name in conversation. I refer to him as the Affair Partner and thats it.

View the AP as someone who is so utterly beneath you that they don't even deserve your attention - because they don't.

- Much of the comparison game was me mentally trying to control the situation, and doing the pick me dance. All under the flawed logic that if I had the missing things the affair partner had, that maybe she wouldn't have cheated or maybe I could ensure she doesn't leave or cheat again.

This is flawed logic. She didn't cheat because of anything I was or was not. She didn't cheat because of ways the affair partner was better than me. Or because of things she got from him that she isn't getting from me. Even if some of those things are true, they are not the reason she cheated.

The reason she cheated is because she was internally unhealthy. She was in pain, and unhealthy coping mechanisms instead of dealing with her problems properly. Thats it. It's 100% on her, and 0% on me.

GotTheMorbs ( member #86894) posted at 12:39 PM on Wednesday, June 24th, 2026

Would writing out a letter to her and then burning it help, maybe?

I did this. I even went so far as to have an AI help me write it in such a way as to be threatening but difficult to try and press charges. I spent a fair amount of time on it. Then, when I had it juuust right, I printed it off and I burned it.

I've looked at my wife's AP's social media a total of 2 times in the last 14 months since d day. The first time I looked was when I first found out. I just had to see who it was that managed to seduce my wife, and I was actually pretty disappointed. He's not that great looking. I think I'm objectively better looking than he is (as does my wife), and after reading several of his posts I determined he's also and idiot. An idiot who thinks pretty highly of himself, but an idiot nonetheless. He had a few posts patting himself on the back for being such an ethical person with integrity that made me wanna puke, but nothing he'd posted impressed me at all. I'm smarter than he is, better looking than he is, and I have more integrity in my left nut than he has in his whole bloodline.

The second time I looked was only because he got himself fired for some Facebook posts about his boss, and I just had to see what it was that he posted. He'd already deleted it, and all it did was trigger me. I don't look at his socials at all anymore. It's just straight up pain shopping. You're literally not getting anything positive from it at all.

My advice would be to block her. Just block her on everything and never look her up again. She's not worth it, and all it's doing is causing you more grief and anguish. I know no one likes this about infidelity, but it's true. There is, and never will be any justice for you in this situation. That was a hard pill to swallow for me, too, but it is what it is, and I had to accept that.

I'd be willing to bet my other nut that she's not half the woman you are just based solely on the fact that she made herself available to a married man. She's trash. Don't let her have this hold on you. You're in charge of what you look up and look at. You're better than she is. If she's the vindictive type, she might just be getting validation from knowing she's still under your skin when you message her. Don't give that to her. She's not worth it.

I get it…… I sometimes check up
On her….. it’s actually cruel to yourself.

I stop myself sometimes by saying -"are you bring loving to yourself?" By looking at her? She is a source of pain and not as good as you so why bother?

Thanks everyone, yes I think writing a letter might help actually. The funny thing is I'm not jealous of her she is most definitely a downgrade, I'm not a nasty person but she is not attractive, 10 years older and looks old and is the complete opposite to me, I think it was purely the attention he liked which he admitted as she is nothing like his type but that kind of makes it even worse like why risk everything for that? I just feel silly for messaging her even though I have every right and he doesn't know I've messaged her either and I feel guilty but then I think why should I feel guilty when he was sneaking around behind my back but 2 wrongs don't make a right I guess. I don't know just lost with it all.

You didn't do anything wrong by messaging her. It just probably wasn't in your best interest to give her that space in your mind, that's all. Don't feel guilty about it.

There’s the thing that is still unpleasant but gives you a gauge what kind of person affair partners usually are.

Imagine a party full of people and the ex Ap spotting your ws there. You notice then they notice you. You just smile and start to make way through the crowd.

Ever seen a person turning ghost white and shrinking itself like a deflated balloon?

For short because you can only see the tail of someone weaseling away towards the exit as the place were on fire.

That’s the kind of person you are dealing with.

I wonder if worms being gazed by a hawk don’t have in fact more dignity.

You can only move forward. Block her - on everything.

Now, I get it. In the beginning I tried to find out everything I could about LTAP. I still have a file inches thick that would make some PIs come to me for advice. I keep it locked away in a safe place. I don't really look at it anymore, but it makes me feel more ... confident...knowing I have it.

While the AP is a very convenient target for your anger [and having such anger is completely fair and justified] they always affair down. AP was a convenient vessel for your WS nothing more, nothing less. She is not innocent. And I'm hoping the Karma bus comes a calin' for her. But she could have been anyone as long as she was a lesser.

How to stop obsessing about her - it easy to say yet I know it hard to do. You heal yourself. You realize your worth. You come to learn that your WS behavior was all on him - and not you and not even AP. You heal. You grow. You learn.

Big Internet hugs to you Selenite.

Thanks everyone I appreciate you taking the the time to reply, yes I am going to stop looking and block her. I know I'm only making it harder for myself by obsessing over her. Trying really hard to work on myself first and care for myself it's just so hard trying to fix myself and find out who I am, work on our relationship whilst also raising kids it's just very overwhelming at the moment. It's also hard because I now realise how much we had drifted apart and were essentially room mates looking after the children, I just didn't really see it at the time and alot of things needed working on in our marriage so it's difficult because I feel this will make us stronger and already the communication is way better than it was but I'm also furious that it's come to this and him doing what he did 😔