SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How long did it take you to feel really confident in your decision to stay? I am 20 months post d-day and still questioning if I made the right decision. I still have so many triggers. I think one of the biggest setbacks for me is that he treated me horribly before and during the affair. He knew how much he was hurting me by how he was treating me and chose to do it anyway. He has done a COMPLETE 180 since d-day, but I still have so much anger and resentment.

It took me 2 years to become as completely comfortable with my choice as I ever got (99.99999%), but my W was consistently remorseful in her behavior from d-day on. Later she told me and our MC that she didn't feel remorseful for at least 5 months, but she consistently did remorseful things from d-day on.

If you're going to R, IMO you need to respond to the here and now. You say your WS is behaving the way you want him to behave, right? If he keeps doing that, you really need to take it in. You are also feeling anger and mistrust in the here and now. That's important, and I suggest you talk about that with someone, a good IC if you can find one.

You describe the thoughts and feelings of someone in incomplete R, which is great for someone who's only 20 months out, because the SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover.

Stay loose. The last chapter hasn't been written yet. Your WS may continue as a great candidate for R. OTOH, it's possible that he's just acting now; if so, that will come out, probably in the next year. If he bcoems the lousy H again, you'll know what to do.

Well, approximately 6 years post DDay, my confidence in my relationship *now* is approximately the same as the confidence in my relationship as I did after 6 years of no cheating.

Now, that's sort of a weird consequence of the lengths of my relationship and the time since cheating since I'm using my "bayesian" theory of fidelity. It just so happens that I'm building up to 3x6 for post DDay and 2x6 is approximately the time before DDay.

Where estimated infidelity rate is (N+1)/(2*T). Where N is the number of times cheating, and T is the duration in time.

Since she cheated after we had been together for a little over 10 years (a little less than 10 married) and we are now at 17 ish years.

To reach the same level of confidence I had before she cheated, we need to hit thirty years / twenty post DDay.

It's a brutal hit to confidence in the relationship to have N>=1.