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...it appears to me that pain is causing bias here.

Of course it is. Absolutely. I cannot imagine how it couldn't. And you clearly understand that. What honestly baffles me is why you seem to take it so personally and viscerally react to it.

I have a high need to be understood. I am very conscious of all the meta happenings, structures, and purposes in conversation. I am constantly looking for intent, motive, fairness, the different sides of things... who exactly is saying what, how they're saying it, body language (if visible), what's the connotation of each word they're choosing and why they might have chosen that one over another, what the larger and more specific contexts are, how the previous parts of the conversation factor in, whether I agree or not based on a variety of arguments and counter-arguments I tend to automatically generate, how I would respond in their place, how I instinctively want to respond, various generated arguments for and against my own responses, the tone I want to convey, the words I want to choose, their synonyms, and different connotations, different ways what I say could be taken and how to mitigate misunderstandings, how other people observing are perceiving and reacting to the what was communicated...And then I'm looking to see if I am understood, what got lost in translation or perceived differently than intended, how I could have communicated it better next time, whether that interpretation is reasonable, odd, or unfair, and whether the misunderstanding occurred with intent or not based on the other person's potential motives, and how I could shed light on the inner working of the conversation if I suspect maliciousness or anterior motives. Probably some other stuff that I forgot to mention.

So basically I'm hyper analytical about every minute interaction as a means of 1) trying to counter my AuDHD and socially function the way that is expected and most in line with my goals, 2) trying to gather as much data from the interaction as possible, and 3) trying to protect myself from manipulation.

Capricorn brain goes brrrr

I felt like I did really good this time with not getting too upset. I was, I think, pretty annoyed and even quite disgusted at some points, but I think I held it together, no? I did write up several other detailed responses to certain posts expounding on the micro-politics and conversational "power plays" I was seeing, and just decided they weren't really necessary or advantageous to me, so they didn't get posted. That feels big for me! I get self-back-pats.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 2:53 AM, Monday, May 18th]

Capricorn brain goes brrrr

So does the A-10.

What you described above seems absolutely exhausting. I can't imagine.

I felt like I did really good this time with not getting too upset.

All things considered, it's certainly an improvement. I've never heard anyone describe a thought process like yours, although I'd imagine a few people I've known throughout my life might have, if given the opportunity.

I have a high need to be understood.

I'm curious. Do you also have an equally powerful need to understand?

I'm sort of the opposite in this regard. I try to be understood, of course. What I'm more prone to is trying to understand.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 3:29 AM, Monday, May 18th]

Oh of course. If I don't understand something, it'll drive me nuts until I do. Like, how am I supposed to make future decisions with maximal ROI and minimal risks if I'm missing data? I need all the microscopic holes in my schemas to be filled in.

It does get a little tiring sometimes to think this way, especially if I come to a crossroads on a decision and the risks seem really with big any direction I could choose, or if I think each side of an argument has nearly equal validity and I have to choose between them... I know one person who's incredibly unpredictable from moment to moment on down to like, the most inconsequential behaviors, and I can't stand him. People are supposed to follow certain patterns, you know? Not perfect patterns, but generally. Patternlessness is disturbing.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 3:46 AM, Monday, May 18th]

"Capricorn brain goes brrrr"

How interesting! We had another recent poster who had an almost pathological need to be affirmed in the comments who mentioned she was a Capricorn. Her name was Ghostie and she claimed she was going to get this whole forum removed from the internet because of some comments that contradicted her.

There is not a lot of astrological talk here, so it is amazing we get two Capricorns in a one month span!