SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Context: I'm M (30), my partner F (31), we've been together for almost 12 years and married for almost 3. About a year ago, things became quite monotonous, specifically in our intimacy. I love her, I provide, she's attentive to my needs, and many other things, but there's this detail: 2 months ago I met another woman, we started talking, and things escalated to infidelity (previously I had many opportunities with different people, but I never crossed the line into physical intimacy). We had two sexual encounters, we both enjoyed it, I felt desired as a man, I was able to be honest about everything sexual I wanted to try and AP reacted the same way, the adrenaline was something hadn't felt in years and we agreed to continue seeing each other, but the opportunity never arose. Throughout all of this I felt guilty, but the impulse won. AP contacted me from the beginning, and we presented everything as something casual, although there are two details in each encounter that left me thinking a lot. The first time, she told me she wanted me to do it without protection, which I completely refused, something that was spontaneous on her part. The second time, after we were intimate, she asked me a question: "Don't you think the guilt will be too great afterward?" which instantly made me feel

bad.

Three weeks ago, it came to light, by my mistake cause i have plans of continue this affair and I had a discussion with my partner. We agreed to continue the relationship and improve things, which is happening, even sexually. I've felt things I haven't experienced in years with my partner. But even with everything improving and real changes in our intimacy, I can't stop thinking about having another sexual experience with this same person since i felt she left the door open because of our last conversation. I'm seeing a psychologist, trying to rationalize and be logical in my thoughts, and I'm trying to focus on my own things, my work, new activities, but the thought of writing to her again and having something physical again won't go away. It keeps coming back. I have it many times during the day with stronger impulses to contact her again.

What should I do? Should I give in to the impulse with the idea of "one last time"? I'm aware of all the personal and relationship consequences that doing it again would entail, and yet I can't get rid of the thought and the desire to do it.

Please help.

I’m a BW so do not relate but you asked for an opinion or a point of view, here goes………

Firstly, do you know how easy it is for a woman to get sex?, do you know how easy it is for your W to get sex?, do you know that your wife will have urges too?, do you think there’s just you that feels boredom in the relationship?, do you want your wife if she is approached to act on her impulses and urges?. When you have the answers think about them

Secondly, your AP?. You said she asked you ‘don’t you think the guilt will be too bad?’, she asked you this because she wanted you to inflate her ego, she thinks oh if he feels guilt but still does it then I must be absolutely amazing. The AP doesn’t care about you, or your W she just wants to feel good about herself and will destroy everything in her path to do so.

You are enabling someone with a void so vast that they need to destroy someone’s family to feel good, maybe you should focus your desire in to finding out why that is?.

I will leave others to answer your question because they have been there and they know how self destructive it becomes after your dopamine rush fades as it will.

I will also try to be tactful, there is no stop sign but I doubt you are ready for a blunt response right now. Maybe later you will want it, but now I will not hit into your emotional chaos as, after all, you asked for help.

In this moment all you likely feel is to engage with the external validation one more time, hoping that it will fill a void you feel even wether you’re aware or is still subconscious.

And I get probably your woman’s feelings emotions right now matter less than the decision if to open or not the condom next time, hence true empathy might be difficult to reach until the chemicals are rushing, but I can respond to your question with a question.

If it was your wife here writing about how to deal with the impulse to rip the condom off and give all of herself to this other man, to experience him sexually as she never allowed her sexually with you, her husband. What would you like me to advise her to do?

And I know that you are likely in the thick of the affair fog so you can’t see clearly, but you may try to rewrite this post as your wife and read it as yourself.

See how it feels, if you can face that emotion with complete honesty.

I sense you do have already something screaming inside you beyond the walls of dopamine, but you can’t just allow yourself to hear it yet.

I hope you find help to navigate through this here.

PS. In case you truly care something for your wife there is something that you can do that is an act of love, or at least an echo of the love you had.

Divorce her immediately.

Leave her, disappear from her life family social circle, never contact her ever again, pretend she never existed in your life.

Live a good life with your affair partner for how long it will last. If it resolves like usually does we will help you in getting the therapy and help you will need once you realize how this event will have impacted your life. Is going to be few weeks or months, maybe longer, but it will help you to clear the fog and see what you sacrificed your relationship for.

Her life (your wife)is gone right now. Past, present, future. But she might heal if you disappear now and never come back.

If you still care.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:14 PM, Thursday, April 23rd]

None of us can, or ever would, give you permission to continue your affair. If you really want permission, ask your betrayed wife (BW) if it’s ok. There are people in this world who have those kinds of relationships.

If your BW does not consent, then of course you should not. What you should do is never again have any contact whatsoever with your affair partner (AP). You’re kidding yourself if you think it will be "one last time".

There are a lot of articles in the Healing Library that can provide you with some valuable insight.

Please read this one: https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/

And this one: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/137622/maias-withdrawal-survival-guide-repost-for-newbies/

Your BW is giving you a very precious gift: the opportunity to reconcile. Don’t waste it.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 7:11 PM, Thursday, April 23rd]

Your BW is giving you a very precious gift: the opportunity to reconcile. Don’t waste it.

I am going to shut up from now on but seriously for her sake.

She should NOT reconcile with this guy right now. (And he should not agree to reconcile either until he is in this state, if has any shred of respect for his wife still surviving during the cheating high)

She should get as far as possible from this abuse and try to heal.

He is not reconciliation material. Best scenario is he is ending up with his affair partner and truly find out how juicy the fruit of infidelity taste once they are taken out of the mud.

Karma truly explains it best

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:46 PM, Thursday, April 23rd]

Hi, fellow wayward here.

I can just tell you that the adrenaline/dopamine has a lot less to do with the connection and it’s built into the affair itself. The feelings you describe are affair feelings, and anything you see in her is your own projection.

You said it’s never crossed into physical before- are you prone to having emotional or flirting relationships?

I will be blunt with you- I think you maybe a bit emotionally immature and should seek therapy to put yourself in a more empathetic state with your wife. You do not see the destruction you are causing to her or to yourself. At this point unless you decide this is not who you want to be, and really put forth some work here this marriage is completely doomed. You will be divorced within a year. And in some ways maybe that’s what you want/need.

If you cat do that, tell your wife you think you want a divorce now instead of skirting around her back. At least give her the respect she undoubtedly deserves.Do things the right way.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:57 PM, Thursday, April 23rd]

Hiking the contrast between you and a person in this high is really the best way to see it all.

I can only wish him to come around.

I am afraid that he is showing a different pattern for what he is searching right now.

Not honest advice or orientation.

just Validation.

If I am wrong, we’ll I’d be very happy to be

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:14 PM, Thursday, April 23rd]

It seems to me that both you and your affair partner are out for a good time and it doesn't matter to you who gets hurt. You said that you and your wife are trying to make your marriage work. I know from experience that you can't do that while you're still keeping things from her and/or keeping on with the affair. I also believe you won't be satisfied with sex with your AP one more time. It seems to me that you and your AP are both very immature.

You said:

2 months ago I met another woman, we started talking, and things escalated to infidelity

"Things" didn't escalate to infidelity, the two of you did with your choices.

You came to the right place. I hope you'll follow the excellent advice you've been given.

It sounds like you found your one true love and should divorce your wife. She sounds like not much fun.

Good luck.

Go be happy.