SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One very, very helpful frame was said to me by our couples therapist:
"There are some conversations that couples, even those who've been married for 20, 30, or 50 yrs, never have".
It was a "DUH" moment for me - I assumed that my wife and I agreed that our marriage would be monogamous - I'm guessing that this is true for so many of us and that's part of what blows ours minds when an affair happens...it's like, "WAIT...I thought we had an agreement".
I initiated the conversation yesterday...I was surprised at first that my wife had difficulty hooking on to what I was asking her - then realized that I had to ask more directly. So, I said "I am hurting so badly from your love affair - I carry my hurt around constantly and every trigger breaks my heart...I need to know that our marriage is based on monogamy - are you in agreement with this?".

Having led with my hurt, my wife could hear me - whatever else had gone on in her head, she is clear that she does not want to hurt me and is sorry for the hurt she has brought...and, so, she gave me assurance that she was committed to a monogamous marriage, and , in a way that I believe to be true.

I think that leading with my hurt worked because it did not trigger blame in her...and, the proof is that my wife suggested that we set aside time each week to talk about her affair, my hurts, my triggers...and, believe me, this is a BIG step.

I am happy for you.

I feel a bit confused about this topic but might just be cultural or environmental.

The good thing is that she is making space for opening up and to respect your pain.

Good one

We were dealing with an infant when Open Marriage was a topic of conversation. W & I both read it, and we agreed - freely - that open M wouldn't work for us.

But ow told my W that she was giving me what I wanted, and she had more love to give and receive. She - ow - also said, although perhaps not in so many words, that W was enlightened enough to maintain 2 relationships.

After d-day, W professed not to know why monogamy was important, and I'm not sure I can articulate a good answer. I suspect, though, that it has to do with the energy required to create and maintain intimacy and with the fact that a relationship can't be intimate when there are secrets.

I am proud of the fact that W and ow told OBS about their plans but kept them from me, because they didn't think I was developed enough to participate. They got that right.

because they didn't think I was developed enough to participate. smile They got that right.

I like to be open minded.

But never to the point where my brain falls off