SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The first D-Day anniversary is coming up, and I feel worse than I have in a long time. For a while, I really thought we had a genuine shot at reconciliation. And then the next moment, I’m thinking about separating.

My WH has *so* many issues to work through - none of his relationships have ever really worked out, whether with partners, his daughter, or anyone else. I know he’s putting in serious effort with his therapist to unpack his childhood stuff. But sometimes I feel like I’m sitting in a tiny nutshell in the middle of a huge ocean. He’s trying, his remorse is real, he’s doing everything he can to make me feel safe. And still, I’m completely drained.

Life keeps throwing things at us (that’s just how it is, nothing you can do about it), but they keep leading to conversations that take *so* much out of me. I’m trying to keep it together, keep doing well at work, keep my life going. But last night I had a full-on breakdown and couldn’t stop crying. It felt just like right after D-Day.

I’ve been in therapy myself since then, and it’s helping. But I’m worried because I feel like I can’t handle anything anymore - I’m really fragile, exhausted, and just have no energy left. I used to be a very energetic, outgoing person. Now I feel like a complete wreck.

Has anyone else been through this?

Oh ... 1 or 2 of us have.... And by '1 or 2', I mean 'almost all of us'.

Recognizing the roller coaster is a sign of health. I wanted R all along, and my W started doing the work before d-day and never stopped, and I still was on the same roller coaster you describe when I was a year out. Being betrayed hurst so much! And one year is just too short a time to know for a fact that R will work, so it's virtually impossible to avoid the fear that one made the wrong choice.

Almost all of us get the clarity we need to get off the roller coaster. It took me 2 years, but that's just one datapoint. YMMV.

Also, some of us are wrecks in the runup to the 1st antiversary (2nd and 3rd, too, for me). That may be intensifying feelings and energy drains for you. In my case, the antiversary itself gave me a lot of relief. I actually felt good for part of 12/22/2011.

So, you're in a very difficult period right now, but your life will almost definitely improve - greatly. It'll just take more time and effort than you want to expend.

Thanks for your comforting words, sisoon!

I feel like time takes on a whole different dimension after something like that. It honestly feels like I’ve been stuck in all these emotions forever, and it’s getting harder to handle with each passing day. When am I finally gonna hit rock bottom…? *sigh*

It seems to me that most, if not all, of us go through something very similar to what you're describing. I certainly did.

The best advice I would offer is the same advice I was offered many years ago.

Step-back and detach from your WS. Watch and observe what he does with the opportunity you've given to him. Forget about your marriage and reconciliation for a while. Focus on you, your recovery and healing.