SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for the individual replies. It makes it much more interactive and I think allows for more advice to come your way.

I think the core issue is that you are trying to reconcile full of doubt about having the truth…

Way back, like on page 2 of this thread, I shared the following:

Be very clear on one thing, both to her but especially yourself:
The poly has a purpose. It’s the watershed moment where she passes, and therefore YOU need to acknowledge that you have a base of truth to work from, or she fails where you have to acknowledge that she isn’t a candidate for reconciliation. If you aren’t going to acknowledge either, don’t bother with the poly.

And now, despite her having cleared the poly, as you said yourself:
The operator, who has some 25 years in the business, told us at the end of the session that my wife had passed the questions with no deception indicated.

You have doubts…
Doubts based on the operator not providing written notes several days/weeks after he did the test. A walk-in test, with no legal implication and therefore no real need for notes…

OK – I guess we will have those that insist reliability is often stated at 60% (most validated and reliable surveys give it +80%), that it’s easy to fake a poly (yes – if the questions don’t have serious consequences for you and you can do several test-runs), or maybe you think the operator (selected by you) is incompetent or even worse – in cahoots with the wife. Well… those doubts should have been dealt with BEFORE deciding on a poly. Like a wise man once said: If you aren’t going to acknowledge either, don’t bother with the poly…

I think this requires you go back to basics:

What is required so that YOU believe you have a good-enough truth to work from?
Another poly? Hypnosis? A forensic dive into her phone data, social media?

Without having a sense that you know what you are dealing with there is IMHO no real hope for any form of real reconciliation. Even if you two manage to create some form of acceptable marriage, 20 years from now you will still be wondering what really happened. A key to recovery and reconciliation is a belief you have the truth.

My suggestion:
As always: Open conversation. Tell her you have reason to doubt the poly. Give her the option to SAFELY tell you more or the truth. If she persists it’s already out… ask how you two can confirm that. If that’s another poly… well… remember:

Be very clear on one thing, both to her but especially yourself:
The poly has a purpose. It’s the watershed moment where she passes, and therefore YOU need to acknowledge that you have a base of truth to work from, or she fails where you have to acknowledge that she isn’t a candidate for reconciliation. If you aren’t going to acknowledge either, don’t bother with the poly

Finally: The bandleader analogy and the sheet music: If the drummer is competent and is the only one you have available to play the off-beat, irregular rhythm fusion jazz you have planned, then firing him for not getting the sheet music isn’t the solution. It’s rather understanding the limitations and working around them.

Finally: The bandleader analogy and the sheet music: If the drummer is competent and is the only one you have available to play the off-beat, irregular rhythm fusion jazz you have planned, then firing him for not getting the sheet music isn’t the solution. It’s rather understanding the limitations and working around them.

This one is relevant to me. My wife is neurodivergent. She had a TBI as an infant and it left her with epilepsy. She's wired differently and has some executive functioning differences. I've had to adjust some of the typical advice as far as expecting her to lead on reconciliation. I've done some of the leading. I'm not doing everything for her, but I've had to construct some of the scaffolding for her to build on and it's been working.

17 months later and we're having some significant breakthroughs. She's been opening that box of "everything," examining the contents, and doing a lot of self reflection. She just needed the road map. She's capable of following it, but she's just not a very good cartographer. I recognize that and am willing to work around it.

The general advice here is very good, but sometimes following to a T doesn't work for everyone and some of us have to adapt.

MD,

Your story is quite compelling to me for the reason that despite her having passed the poly, which should have sealed it for you, you still have doubts. I also KNOW that I don't have the truth from my wife but I have no way to prove it. At this point in our lives, its so far in the past that I can't bring myself to do anything about it. We are in our sixties, you, have a lot of life ahead of you.

In your situation, I don't believe for a moment that kissing outside his apartment is as far as it went. It makes no sense, poly or not. In my situation, I knew both of these people very well, the OM since 8th grade. My wife in that period was running wild post divorce, disclosed lots of crazy stuff, did crazy stuff with me as FWB but still says nothing happened with this man while they were in her apartment with the curtains drawn for hours. She faces no consequence for telling me the truth but she still refuses to tell me. It makes no sense despite 4 decades of assurances. Your wife has the poly to fall back on. You will not know the truth, ever. You will have to decide if you can deal with that.

Your wife let your daughters witness some of their interactions, got questioned by one of your daughters and STILL didn't kill it right then and there. She fully participated in their interactions, kind of led it. He dumped her, she did not end the affair of her own accord and she disclosed to you only after that. She's not participating in your healing. She is only concerned with her reputation in front of community and family. You are also concerned with that, for fear of it's effect on your business. Therefore she has no consequence.

Your business is essentially the workplace where this affair took place, on the work phone and on shopping trips relative to the business. Much like a workplace affair where the AP still works there, NC is impossible while she also works there. Not exactly in your case but your wife made the workplace part of her affair. I don't know if she still sees him or connects with him but why wouldn't she at this point? She passed a poly, she's clean and she knows to go further underground with her comms. Perhaps it's time to let go of the business, sell it and then give her the consequence of telling family about her affair. Tell her that this is a requirement for you to move forward in the marriage since she's not participating in your healing. From her perspective, this is already over. She told you, you got upset but did nothing. She passed a poly. So she believes that you believe that it stopped at some kissing and groping in a car. Divorce and community disclosure is off the table. Put it back on the table. Have a conversation with your older daughter, she deserves to know and she probably knows stuff that your wife doesn't realize that she knows. She witnessed some of this, had her antenna up and probably saw other stuff. That's probably why she's so tuned into the state of your family dynamic. She's just afraid to tell you for fear that you'll be hurt or that she'll cause a problem. There is already a problem and she deserves to know that she's not part of it.

I'm sorry brother, you've been dealt a shit hand.

[This message edited by Onceasailor at 5:32 PM, Thursday, September 17th]