SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

By chance do you still have your WW's phone that she had during her affair? Forensic analysis may be able to recover her deleted texts.

Does your son have an inkling as to what his mom was doing while at the trainer's house? Does anyone in the family know of your WW's affair? Exposure to her parents/siblings needs to be a consequence- not for revenge but for her to have support. You will also need support going forward. If the families do not know of her affair they may start to believe (maybe even with your wife's encouragement in the future) that you drove your wife to attempt suicide. Look into rewriting marriage history- a lot of stories here where the wayward spouse attempts to change the narrative to avoid blame and embarrassment.

Please inform the OBS, this is the morally right thing to do. She deserves to know the truth and to live her life with honesty. Also, the AP deserves the truth coming out... don't let him walk around thinking he got off scot-free.

While I know you feel obligated to support your WW after her attempt, as others mentioned it could have been a manipulation attempt. To be brutally honest, she may have realized that as a divorced woman in her 50s (depending on her wealth and status) she may be looking at limited options suddenly being on her own.

So be on guard. I don't believe you've talked about how the current living arrangements are. Please consider having her move in to a guest bedroom for a time- until she's given you a complete, honest and written timeline of her affair. Afterwards, look into local polygraphs in your area to determine: 1) whether she was honest in her timeline and 2) was this her only affair? Hate to say it but this may not be the only affair. After 20 years she casually threw her wedding vows out the window? Good chance this was not her first rodeo.

Other than that read and implement the 180/gray rock, find some new hobbies to keep busy and your mind from wallowing in this mess and above all-- TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Eat right, avoid alcohol, go for runs/walks/bike rides and hit the gym hard. Building up your body goes along way in improving your self confidence.

Thanks NZ, I appreciate all the advice because she is starting to look like a woman I never really knew. Or I knew but didn’t want to see. It’s an old story I guess.
I’m taking care of myself. I’m also finally starting to see her manipulation of our interactions as Im trying to take the first steps toward reconciling. It makes me realize how badly I missed all the signs but also helps me to detach and use the 180 as I understand it.

"How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda Macdonald.

That’s the book she should be reading and living.
It’s a start.

I’m sorry you find yourself here, I’m also sorry about your 3 week experience at the hospital after such devastating news.

I too found out years after, my H confessed to a collection of infidelities throughout our 25 year marriage, my H said that I deserved to know, you said your wife confessed too? So that’s a start.
You mention you wish to R, you can’t do this without a foundation of truth. I didn’t believe a single solitary word that came from my H mouth after DD, he took a polygraph to prove what he told me was the truth. I suggest your wife do the same, a polygraph would be best for both of you, it will give your wife the opportunity to prove herself and it will help you to stop pushing for answers once you know the truth.

I hope therapy goes well for you both, keep posting you will receive lots of support here, take care of yourself.

Thanks for the book recommendation Oh! Thanks for the push on the polygraph Bruce, I’m hoping it won’t be needed but the longer I get the trickle of information the more difficult it is to believe anything she says. It may come to the polygraph but I hope her therapy teaches her to open up before that.

Looking for,

Get back all the money you paid the coach, he was in a position of trust and responsibility he needs to be driven out of coaching.

It's likely he did this before and is still doing it.

Consider lawsuits against whatever organization he was part of.

Have your WW write out a complete and detailed timeline the take her for a polygraph.

Tell the other betrayed spouse, but advise her to stay quiet and gather evidence, give her the names of good divorce attorneys and PIs

There's some chance your WW only confessed because OM was busted and blamed everything on your WW.

Hopefully we’ll start with a MC soon.

ABSOLUTELY NOT. Sorry OP, but this is a classic rookie miscalculation. YES you both need therapy, her intensively, but ONLY after you get FULLY convinced your adulterous wife is even a candidate for reconciliation (whatever you do, DO NOT PROMISE THIS NOW), and only after at least a year of therapy for her, where you must be ABSOLUTELY convinced you have the full truth of ALL that happened, AND she’s been demonstrating BY HER ACTIONS she’s truly remorseful (look up and carefully study the difference between regret and remorse), only THEN can you START to consider MC.

It’s nearly universal: starting MC early almost always inflict more damage on the betrayed. Don’t do that to yourself !!!

Survrus, you could be correct about the reason for the revelation. I actually confronted this guy/worm a few days ago (I know, bad idea) and he was the sniveling, groveling POS that I thought he would be. But he did tell a story quite close to my wife’s story. This either means that my wife was telling some of the truth or that they coordinated their stories. Time will tell.
GR8- thank you! My plan was to jump into MC as soon as her therapist thinks it is ok. After yours, my therapist’s and a friend’s advice, slowing down the process seems better. We’ll see if she really wants to work to get what was a very comfortable life back.

Sorry NZ, unfortunately I don’t have her phone from back then. I actually have worked with the technology you’re talking about but had my head up my butt and didn’t want to see how bad this was.

Thanks very much all, it is tough to be tough in this situation but the advice and predictions everyone here has made are teaching me what a delicate mess this is.

Going to thread Jack here. We all think cheating comes from poor boundaries lost in childhood etc. I think it is because we bring with us from childhood cops and robbers, hide and seek, scary stories around a campfire. Girls can be just as susceptible as boys. Nothing gets the old juices going like sneaking around, phone calls in the loo(toilet), texting, sexting. It is the high we get on a scary roller coaster and the hormones in our brains get us addicted to the fun. I look at those nut jobs that put on bat suits and jump off the sides of mountains, or stand above a chasm and bungee jump.
What I have spent a lot of time on is why, knowing the pain this will cause loved ones, people do it. Our bodies used to work from morning until night. We are only 3 generations from, no indoor plumbing, hot showers, riding lawn mowers, washing machines etc, etc , etc. We have more money, more things, more time on our hands than ever but our very primitive brains still belong in the hunter/gatherer mode. We need to stay busy physically, but all the scary animals are in zoos. The fact that so many people cheat is mind boggling but there it is. Our children and grandchildren casually hookup. No big deal. Until the pill and the sexual revolution women would lose homes, children, reputations and income if pregnant and unmarried. That is now a distant past.
I have a husband who cheated out of town. He had plenty of sex at home. A wife who loved him and children who enjoyed him. There is no excuse for it. He did not have a bad childhood. He wanted to cheat so he did.
I think coming to terms with the knowledge that some people seem to need danger to feel alive might, I say might, give a little peace of mind. I know my husband did not stop loving us. Whatever made him do it is on him. I take no responsibility.

I suppose the "good life" that we provide our families can come with a certain degree of boredom that some will combat with risky behavior. Looking back on my situation, I thought her religious upbringing would offer my wife guidance in tempting situations. Boy was I wrong.

I suppose the "good life" that we provide our families can come with a certain degree of boredom that some will combat with risky behavior. Looking back on my situation, I thought her religious upbringing would offer my wife guidance in tempting situations. Boy was I wrong.

Hah I know right? I had the very same thought. And I am supposed to be the 'immoral' one.
And somehow they get excuses to justify it to fit into the 'good narrative',

Yeah I know the feeling.

I don’t think it is so much boredom as the human body requires more, more fear, more excitement, more euphoria, than our daily lives give us. We have pinned ourselves down with debt, work stress, poorly constructed houses that cost so much we cannot afford to pay someone to repair them. The stress of life is not short burst of throwing a spear at the deer we plan on having for lunch. It is the relentless stresses of never being able to relax. On top of that our support systems are gone. I know very few people who live close to their family. We put an enormous pressure on our spouse to provide everything we need emotionally. We have Cinderellaed ourselves into believing fairy tales. Life is hard. A good support system is so important so I am glad BSs and WSs have a forum here.
Not to be gloomy but sometimes someone acts so stupid you wonder how they know their names. I hope those that cheat figure out how to get excitement in a better way, and bs can work through their grief and get some happiness again.

I think the hardest thing to recover from is uncertainty. I also think that we can recover from nearly anything and everything we know.

I also think we need to accept we never get revenge or payback. You can’t "unaffair" your marriage. You can’t have her do push-ups or go to bed without dinner to make up for what she did wrong. Your options are to end the marriage or work on how the two of you move on with the intention of making the marriage good. Not because of the affair, but despite the affair.

I think that if you were to look at your wife and be thinking "did she ever do anything more than the oral sex she has confessed to?" then that thought could prevent you from ever feeling safe or as if you did right in remaining in your marriage.

To be blunt and gross… but in the context of the issue you are dealing with…
If she shared NOW that they had done sexual acts that you don’t even have the imagination to thing about, or were never on your marital-sex-option menu, then that would hurt. But I can promise you that it would hurt even more if she convinced you now that this was only a couple of BJ’s over a 2 year period, only to discover maybe six months from now that they had a couple of quick but relatively traditional sexual encounters in the gym.

Basically – your imagination can conjure up worse scenarios than reality, and her holding back truths now that are discovered in the future will damage whatever trust might have been reestablished. IMHO to recover you both have to reach a stage where she can honestly shared what happened, and you believe you have a clear picture.

However…
Be careful on what to expect. Some of the issues, like did you love him and all that – the emotional aspects – are only semi-valid. Fact is that she didn’t leave, nor did he leave his family. The emotional aspects are likely to be justifications rather than any "real" emotions. Infatuation rather than true "love".
Also… keep in mind that human memory is fickle. She’s going to remember if they had sex. But it’s unlikely a) that she remembers or b) that she admits if she initiated. Who led whom on. In fact – it’s likely she will deflect as much blame on him. Just keep in mind that at each and every step – up to the first time they kissed and onwards – she had the option of stepping back.
What she tells you should be the truth as she recalls it. What that means is that if she were to tell you that the sex started in October and took place maybe 10 times then that might be true to her because she doesn’t remember better. Maybe you find some way to prove that it actually started in September and they hooked up 12 times. Doesn’t have to be a lie from her – but rather her recollection of events.

How fickle memory can be is why witness-statements are a defense attorneys dream, and a prosecutors nightmare and have a shelf-life shorter than dairy.

I’m going to suggest the following:
Let her know that at some point very soon you need the truth. When it started, who initiated, what happened, what they did, where they met, sex in your home, your bed, your car… whatever you need. Remember you can’t unhear – but I truly think your imagination can do more damage than reality.
Tell her that the fact you are still around is a strong indicator that above all you wish to reconcile, but you can’t reconcile without knowing what happened. That honesty is the ONLY WAY to go forward.
If you are emotionally able to then commit to a period (say 6 months) of healing. At the end of that time you are going to evaluate if you believe she is committed to the marriage (as in having shared the truth) and if you then believe you two can make this marriage something you both want.

Tell her that NOW is the opportunity to share the truth. Tell her that seeing how long the affair lasted you have a hard time believing this was only oral sex. Let her know that you need to be convinced you have the truth and that discovering you don’t will cause MORE problems than whatever she shares NOW.
Let her know that at some point – and that point won’t be too far from now – you will require a polygraph to convince you that you have the truth. It’s not a tool to embarrass or shame her, but a tool for HER to show you that she is being honest in her story.

Just keep in mind: Polygraphs measure honesty and not the truth. Like if she believes they had sex less than 10 times but you KNOW it was 15, she will pass with a "no" if asked "did you have sex more than 11 times".