SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I caught my husband in a lie over Christmas about hanging out with a female coworker. I confronted him about it and he claims nothing is going on. After a lot of fighting we have been sleeping separately, and I know he’s just waiting for it to blow over.

I also found some ED medicine in his coat pocket. Today 3 of the pills were missing. So I went into his phone and discovered him still texting his female coworker and it had a sexual connotation.

I’m convinced he’s sleeping with her. I don’t even want to confront him about it because it’s literally pointless. He will just lie and do what he wants. I can’t go anywhere. I’m stuck here, because I didn’t become financially independent and protect myself from this again. I just feel so dumb.

It pains me you are bgoing through again Pearly.

First of all, seek about your independence, you are still young to achieve it and cut dependence from this guy.

He is taking you for granted. Well you are not, you are the prize not the reserve girl.
Show him how much he is mistaken

He’s not even trying to cut it off this time. Just lying to my face and gaslighting me. I just feel so disrespected and dumb. I really have no idea who I married.

I know I need to get out. I have known it for so long. I’m just so overwhelmed. I don’t know even where to start. 😭

Being deceived and having hope doesn't make you dumb. You shouldn't engage in the negative self talk.

First step is to disengage from him. Don't ask your abuser to please behave himself this time because he's obviously not going to, he hasn't changed a bit from the first time.

No fighting - this indicates yourre oopen to further manipulation. No engagement, this indicates you're on unsound footing and looking for reassurance from him, which you know is already a poisoned well. You can listen to what he has to say, but don't engage in questions or answers.

Begin the process of cutting him out of your life. If he's cheating, that's what needs to happen anyway. If he's not, you can always reverse the process. But it's important that you get to a place where you know you'll be okay without him. That's the "worst case" scenario (even if you determine that's exactly what needs to happen), and if it goes better than what you're anticipating, you'll be okay then, too.

Once you have some space, you can plan more clearly about gaining financial independence and whatever else you need to, logistically. Every problem has solutions that are small, really managed steps. None of those steps are outside your ability. The only thing that can overwhelm you is trying to solve the whole big problem in one go.

Disengage, start the process of writing him off, start the process of grieving your lost relationship, and start planning.

EDIT DOUBLE POST

[This message edited by Mindjob at 10:42 AM, Tuesday, March 3rd]

See a divorce lawyer. An initial consultation is often free.

Your financial situation might not be as dire as you imagine.

Best wishes.

One step at a time.

Detach yourself from him emotionally.

DO see a divorce attorney and see if you can get temporary support.

Find another place to stay.

Be good to yourself.

Thirding the advice to contact local divorce lawyers. Many will do an initial free consultation. When you do the consultation, bring the following information with you:

- salary income (yours and his)
- bank balances
- investment account balances
- retirement account balances
- current monthly living expenses

This will give the lawyer a picture of your financial situation, and they can more accurately tell you what could happen in a divorce settlement.

I don’t even want to confront him about it because it’s literally pointless. He will just lie and do what he wants.

You're right - it's time to harden your heart. You're probably feeling immense sadness right now. Channel your grief into anger. Anger fuels action, and you need to start taking steps to detach and protect yourself. Remember that you don't need a confession or a "smoking gun" level of evidence to divorce him. People divorce for all kinds of reasons, including that you just don't want to be married to him anymore. You don't need to justify this to him or anyone else.