SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post but I joined a while back.

I(M48) discovered my partner(F43) was having an affair back in June last year. Weve been together for 23 years living tother most of that time, and we have 2 children. I was suffering with depression and was slowly losing the will to carry on, so I had no idea anything was wrong. She had been under a lot of stress with work and we were not communicating properly. We both cried and shouted and after a short break dicided to try and reconcile.

Im by no means perfect and the relationship has had highs and lows like any other. But I always thought we loved each other deeply.

Things were going ok until christmas.

While looking through photos of family days out and such on a tablet I discovered screenshots of messages to a male friend of hers. There were also crying selfies and memes about not being able to be with someone you love. Theses were from a few years previous. She worked with this man for a while and was friends with his partner aswell. They had both been to the house and I had met them several times.

When I asked her about it she said the messages were about ending their friendship as he was being a dick, and she did not think of him romantically and nothing did or ever would of happened. I could accept that, just, but the selfies and memes just dont sit right. I cant think of a valid reason for them to be there. Maybe the fact that I know she could do it, means that Im overthinking things ?

Before the infidelity I would of said there was no way she would do it, but now I know she can. Maybe she has always been cheating and I never noticed before ?

Anyway if you have any thoughts or insights they I will be very gratefull. Thanks

When I asked her about it she said the messages were about ending their friendship as he was being a dick,

Sounds like the sort of thing that you would talk to your partner about. I think if it was the truth it would be old news to you.

In your mind her explanation doesn’t match the black & white evidence of what you found.

I’m not saying she physically cheated. But there does appear to be an inappropriate relationship or friendship between her and this man. Which may explain the troubles in your relationship during that period.

At best there is lying and deception but nothing physical happened. At worst there was an affair — whether emotional &/or physical. It could very well have been one sided — she had feelings but the other guy didn’t.

Please continue to have discussions about this. Don’t make the same mistakes I did (in the past) and sweep this under the rug. You deserve to know the truth and not continue to live in a false sense of reality.

Sounds like more cheating. Quite frankly I'd be stunned if it wasn't. How many adults break up with friends and never tell their partner? Especially hot of the heals of being caught.

Unfortunately cheating is unlikely to stop without consequences. What ever consequences she faced the first time (if any at all) weren't enough for her to not prefer the thrill of chasing affairs.
You made the common mistake of treating a cheater like a normal moral human being. l Good people don't do bad things out of nowhere and then immediately self right. just doesn't happen.

No you are not overthinking it.

Follow your gut

I have always thought depression is contagious just like the flu. Whatever is troubling one family member spills over to the others. It seems the two of you traded unhappiness back and forth without being aware of it. It also looks like she used another as a sounding board which morphed into something else. What that something is you need honesty from her to get to the truth. Those messages are not some surface exchanges. They are full of emotions.

In the context of infidelity, when words don’t make sense or fit the known facts of the situation, it’s because they are most likely lying.
I would not say anything more about it right now and start investigating discretely, so she doesn’t work too hard to cover up what she can.

One issue I have with this site is when someone posts a description of a situation or issue and we all automatically assume there is infidelity.

If I look at your post and the W response.

Over the years, have you ever "left" a friend?
Like... Over the years I have had friends that have come and gone. Some for "natural" reasons – moved across town, changed jobs, grown apart, changed hobbies... This just happens... there is no meeting where we decide that since I’m no longer in college, no longer into golf, and we no longer live in the same area we aren’t going to hang out together. It just happens.
Then there is the friend whom we decide to no longer interact with... Like he might have some habit you don’t like, or some view you don’t follow. You seldom have a meeting or send him an explanation why you aren’t joining him for drinks or tennis. You simply drift away. No letters or meeting to address the issue. You simply stop interacting.

So I find the crying selfies, the comments about not being able to be with and all that pretty... self incriminating. If he was becoming a dick then why all this process of ending a toxic friendship?
I think your thoughts are valid. I think more took place than she admits to, and that they either realized this was headed in the wrong direction OR they were forced to end their "friendship" (for example – his partner caught on).

What happened is altogether a different matter.
Emotional affair, he go too far, found out... it’s all open for grabs.

One idea: Maybe phone his partner and ask if she had any suspicions?

Over the years, have you ever "left" a friend?

Exactly.

It doesn't make any sense.

Many years ago I worked part-time for a private investigator and the best advice I ever got was from him. He said kid, if something feels off it probably is. Always follow your gut.

As others have said, you don't break up with a friend, you just drift apart. I too believe there is much more to that than she is telling you

One thing you can try is sitting down with her and asking if there's anything else about this that she should tell you and when she says no Then you ask if she is willing to take a polygraph test. If her immediate response is yes then there's a chance she's being honest but if she says no or she starts questioning why or she tries to deflect the conversation then you know the truth

Follow your gut. Do not sweep this under the rug