SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been together with my life partner for a bit more than 22 years. We’re are not officially married but I refer to her has my wife. One year into our relationship, she emotionally cheated on me, with a person 5000 miles away, using the computer. At that time, online games and chat rooms were recent and magic. It was hard for me but, giving the circumstances, I forgave her and we agreed to implement rules in the relationship, to prevent similar issues in the future. Rules like, no privacy with computers and phones, although at the time, phones were not a issue like they are today.
She has been great and we have been happy. Some minor issues along the way, but no major problems. Daughter came along. She’s now 17.
Three years ago, more or less, we began to have differences that would turn into discussions. I also began to drink more and we all know that this two together are a no-no. Issues can get out of proportion very fast. But we got along.
Two months ago, I notice a change in her attitude. Minor issues would turn into huge problems and the conversions would end with her saying that "maybe we should go our separate ways" . I tried everything to understand why she was behaving differently and why she was so cold and distant with me. Even when I wanted to spend extra time with her, and give her love and affection, she would get mad with me, saying "your doing to much".
Made no sense to me. My person is now a different person that I don’t recognize.
I begun to suspect that there must have been a side reason that justify all of this, so I started digging but I found anything. So, if there’s some proof of anything, must be in her phone.
Because of our past, we have this agreement where there is no privacy on our phones. So, I decided to search the phone but without her knowledge so we wouldn’t fight again.
She went to the shower and left the phone charging so I went through text, calls and whatsup. I found no strange things except for a message that she sent almost two months ago, to her cousin (like sister) saying something like "I need to talk to you about something when we’re alone" and the cousin replied "you were fine before so what’s going on, I’m worried now", and she replied "it’s just things from the heart". Hummm…looking at the dates I don’t recall any stress between us at the time.
Last Tuesday, detailed communications bill arrived. I analyzed all the destination numbers and one was showing up a lot. Long story short, she has been sending text messages and making calls to a specific number that she does not have in her phone book. All messages and calls to this number have been deleted from the phone. I confronted her with all this. She says it’s the secondary (secret) number of her cousin. I called the cousin and she confirmed but did not pickup when I called the secret number. She wanted to stay out of this mess and hanged up.
The explanation for the deletion of messages was to secure her cousin’s private information. But why was the calls deleted also?! There’s no private info there. And why doesn’t the cousin pickup the phone, knowing its me and knowing there’s a huge conflict going on !?
I asked the wife to call the number from her phone and she refused. Then I grabbed the phone and tried to do it myself but she physically prevented me from doing so… for 5 minutes until I gave up. Never my wife was physical with me like that. Like if her life depended on preventing that phone call. She said It was a matter of "her privacy". Keep in mind that we have a phone transparency rule and just 5 minutes back, when I asked, she just handed it over to me. But now she realized I was connecting the dots. So, hands off!
Further phone’s bill analysis shows that all communications to that secret phone happens at the same hour of the day, more or less 14:00-14:30 no exceptions. Also, in a certain day, she called her cousin at 13:58, talked for 44 seconds and 2 minutes later send a series of text to that secret number.
Now, there’s no dialog. She wants to leave and preparations are being made in order for her to go live alone in a small family’s house in the village. The last four days, I have been trying to establish a common ground to have a conversation about our relationship and its future. I demand a detailed explanation of who’s that number and what are those communications, and I want proof. She doesn’t care about any of that, maintains the "cousin’s secret number" narrative, and she wants out.
Although I don’t have irrefutable proof of cheating, I think that, when you put all together, its pretty obvious.

The explanation for the deletion of messages was to secure her cousin’s private information. But why was the calls deleted also?! There’s no private info there. And why doesn’t the cousin pickup the phone, knowing its me and knowing there’s a huge conflict going on !?
I asked the wife to call the number from her phone and she refused. Then I grabbed the phone and tried to do it myself but she physically prevented me from doing so… for 5 minutes until I gave up. Never my wife was physical with me like that. Like if her life depended on preventing that phone call. She said It was a matter of "her privacy".

Speculation:

In the usual patterns of cheaters: It is not the "cousin secret number", it is the lover's number, aware not to pick up from your number, will only pick up from her, so if you call with her phone the story blows up, that's explaining the reaction.

The issues were forgiven, not addressed, could be emotional cheating or PA, but from this story red flags all over.

You need evidence to confront or just tell your wife what you know in your guts and ask what she intends to do:

Value your partnership or go separate ways.
Uncomfortable but you will have to face it at some point, looking the other way will only torture and prolong the inevitable

The last four days, I have been trying to establish a common ground to have a conversation about our relationship and its future.

Stop chasing her, you’re only giving her validation for her actions. Go to the healing library here and find the simplified 180. Study and execute. Stop doing the pick me dance, it does not work.

Best thing you can do – especially for yourself – it to treat her wishes as facts. She wants out.
Only make sure that "out" is "out". She’s not getting a cottage to have a break, you are not going to finance it, she can’t come back home after a couple of months... Out is out. Over is over.

Despite not being married there might be legal and financial entanglements that need to be clarified. You would be well advised to get some legal representation to ensure everything is covered, and that when she leaves it’s clear what is your and what is hers, and preferably some form of separation-agreement signed by both.

Sorry you found yourself here.
If it was me I wouldn’t waste my energy and time analyzing the phone bill. Once you know the number you can spend a little bit money at beenverified and find the owner of that number along with a whole lot of information about the owner of that number. Of course you could also get a private detective if you want to know more about their interactions if that number is local. Technically if she uses an iPhone and her iPad is on the same Apple account, you could dial the secret number using FaceTime on her iPad during that 2pm time frame and it will show up on the other side as her phone number.
I would also look into her photo albums and you can find deleted photos within last 30 days. Also look into her memo and password (which will list websites that she saved password to). Again you can find these on her iPad without touching her phone.

Thank you all for your support

[This message edited by portusus at 9:01 AM, Monday, January 19th]

Portusos

I don’t want to sound callous or non-caring but the fact is that people are in a relationship for one main reason: Because they want to.
It all boils down to that. We have people insisting they are married or together for the finances, for the kids, for the whatever... but yet we have example after example of how couples have split and still manage financially, how kids thrive despite separated parents...
If you sit down and think of all the reasons you are in a relationship, and remove each and every hinderance... you are left with ONE reason. I want to be in a relationship with this person.

This shows how precarious a relationship really is, and how if we don’t tend to it we risk losing it. That care is two-factored: we need to want to be in the relationship and we want the partner to want it too. Realizing and understanding this is IMHO the KEY to a successful relationship. Understanding how delicate it is makes you take care of it.
Like... if you view your relationship as so solid nothing can threaten it, you might be viewing it like a golf-ball and wouldn’t think twice about bouncing it along as you cross town with it. If you viewed it as a Fabrege egg... you would take more care.

I’m not implying that YOU didn’t care about your relationship. For all I know you tended to both factors I mentioned: wanted to be in it and wanted her to be in it too.
But... it does seem like she didn’t.

So therefore – SHE is totally free to leave it. She can decide to do that. It might be because of someone else, or whatever. She’s out.
You could spend time and money discovering her why, or if there is another man. But it wouldn’t change anything. It’s not as if you could tell her "I know about Fred, therefore you need to be with me". She is free to do as she chooses.

But...
So are you.
If she wants out, let her go.
My suggestion is not to punish her or try to get even or anything like that. It’s simply to treat what’s going on as reality. She is free to go, and she has chosen to go.
What I’m suggesting is to clarify each other’s role as a non-married, life-partner, I-call-her-wife.
One of the benefits of old-school marriage is that it leaves a very clear path for divorce. Generally, some form of even split of debts and assets. Not knowing your location or if you have been taxed as a couple, what the laws are about common-law relationships, not knowing if you rent or have your own home... We can’t suggest practical steps to ending your relationship.

I strongly suggest you learn what they are or might be. It’s possible that it’s something you two can iron out between you two, but I do suggest you have someone with real knowledge help you so this is a fair, comprehensive and binding separation-agreement.

You already know the answer but I'll say it out loud, she is having an affair. And her cousin is helping. The AP has been informed that you are suspicious so he will not answer his phone unless he is positive it is her calling

Stop chasing her, stop doing the pick me dance, turn around and walk the other way. This is the only way you will restore the Power Balance in your relationship. You chasing her gives her all of the Power and control

Do not engage her, do not try to draw conversation from her. Only communicate about things that are relevant such as the child, the house, finances. If she tries to talk about something else just walk away

Speaking of finances, print out hard copies of every Financial the two of you share and hide them somewhere safe than only you have access to

Check to see if you live in a common law marriage State because you may need to involve an attorney to sort through this. It sounds like she has already checked out and has an exit plan in place, you just luckily stumbled into it

Never chase a partner. You want someone who is with you because they want to be there, not because you need them

[This message edited by WB1340 at 3:41 PM, Monday, January 19th]

So therefore – SHE is totally free to leave it. She can decide to do that. It might be because of someone else, or whatever. She’s out.

You could spend time and money discovering her why, or if there is another man. But it wouldn’t change anything. It’s not as if you could tell her "I know about Fred, therefore you need to be with me". She is free to do as she chooses.

I understand this but I still feal this endless pain in my heart and soul because my "other me" has left and I feal lost. I can’t concentrate, I can’t sleep, I’m always thinking where it went wrong and if I could’ve done something differently . Maybe if I had done this or that, or if I haven’t confronted her, or whatever … It’s a endless mind job that prevents me of functioning …

I feal some temporary relief when I talk to my oldest son, but as soon as he’s gone, I’m down to the ground again. I don’t know what to do…

Like... if you view your relationship as so solid nothing can threaten it, you might be viewing it like a golf-ball and wouldn’t think twice about bouncing it along as you cross town with it. If you viewed it as a Fabrege egg... you would take more care.

I’m over my 50s and I never thought that I would have to deal with something of this nature. I was convinced I was on a solid relationship. She loved me. We loved each other. Now I feal I don’t matter. I’m being thrown away like a used tissue… after 22 years, this is something that I can’t process…

Stop chasing her, stop doing the pick me dance, turn around and walk the other way. This is the only way you will restore the Power Balance in your relationship. You chasing her gives her all of the Power and control

I have been doing that, I guess... but It stops now.

I’m very grateful for your words. It gives me some sort of guidance

Check to see if you live in a common law marriage State because...

I live in Europe, so I guess everything is different over here. But I don't think this kind of matters will be an issue... I think ...

I think I need to talk about this with people that have been in this place, like you. Is there a chat room somewhere ? Where you can listen to people and talk if you get enough courage ?

[This message edited by portusus at 5:30 PM, Monday, January 19th]

The pick me dance has been brought up a couple of times here now. Just to be clear, it's when a betrayed spouse finds out about infidelity and doubles down on being nice and extra lovable in an effort to win their cheating partner back. While that sounds on the surface like it might be a good idea, it really isn't. You can't "nice" them back, and it often backfires. It can be seen as a sign of weakness and puts all of the power in the hands of the cheater.

I did my own pick me dance for a couple of weeks when I found out about my wife's affair. It did me no good and I only managed to humiliate myself further after feeling humiliated enough as it was. She knew I wasn't going leave and had no incentive to stop talking to her AP or do any work to repair the damage. It wasn't until I put my foot down and took steps toward divorce that she turned herself around. The balance of power was immediately shifted to me and she was suddenly willing to do anything to stay married to me.

I have no idea what your partner might do if you follow a similar tack, but trying to win her back by kissing her butt won't do it. I did what I did because I was at the end of my rope and tired of being a doormat. It wasn't just a bluff. I was prepared to follow through with it and she knew it. I was prepared for her to call my bluff and I wouldn't have backed down. You don't want to continue living like that, trust me. In my case it snapped her right out of it. All the pick me dance does is open yourself up for more disrespect and abuse. It almost never works. You have to take a stand and let her know you won't tolerate the current behavior.

I’m over my 50s and I never thought that I would have to deal with something of this nature. I was convinced I was on a solid relationship. She loved me. We loved each other. Now I feal I don’t matter. I’m being thrown away like a used tissue… after 22 years, this is something that I can’t process…

I was 54 nine months ago when I discovered my wife of 26 years was having an affair.

I know exactly how you feel. I was devastated. I never thought something like this would happen to us, but it did. All of the feelings you're having are normal. It's terrible and traumatic, amd I'm so sorry you're in this position.

I floundered for a few weeks until I found this site. I listened carefully to what others who have been through this had to say. I'm still really hurt, but at least now I have a direction. Your goal needs to be to get out of infidelity. There are 2 paths to do that. Reconcile or divorce. I had to resign myself to divorce if that's what it came down to. It's no way to live.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. It sucks. It really, really sucks, but it's not your fault. You have to start putting yourself first. I know it's hard, but you need to let her know you're no longer going to tolerate it. Sharing your wife is not an option, and if that means divorce then so be it. If there's a chance for reconciliation then she'll come around. If not, then no amount of pick me dancing would have made a difference. She needs consequences.

I know it's hard, but you need to let her know you're no longer going to tolerate it. Sharing your wife is not an option, and if that means divorce then so be it.

We are separated. We still live in the same home because her family’s house is not ready to be used. It might take a couple of weeks. So we agreed that she would stay until she can move into it.
We are cordial to each other but we don’t interact much anymore. We’ve had conversations about the how we are going to split stuff and do everything that we have in common.
The first couple of days, I was trying to understand what was going on, why and how, but she keept her cousin's "secret phone" narrative and when confronted with the flaws of that narrative, she would say "believe what you want", "you’re making movies in your head", "It’s pointless anyway, you go your way I’ll go mine" .
I felt from the start that, for us to have any kind of reconciliation, a total explanation of those communication records, was mandatory and she’s not interested.

The first couple of days, I was trying to understand what was going on, why and how, but she keept her cousin's "secret phone" narrative and when confronted with the flaws of that narrative, she would say "believe what you want", "you’re making movies in your head", "It’s pointless anyway, you go your way I’ll go mine" .
I felt from the start that, for us to have any kind of reconciliation, a total explanation of those communication records, was mandatory and she’s not interested.

Is called gaslighting.

Cheaters will lie to their teeth to paint you as insane to protect their self image from the shame of betrayal.

She is not interested because she is making her narrative and movie with her lover.
Usually someone praying on another person's partner is not exactly pince/princess charming, and she will get it all back, with extras.

Now take care about yourself, she made her choices, you are not insane, it is not your fault.

So sorry you are going through this. It really sucks. I was with my partner for 25 years (also not married but committed relationship) and I remember the pain and anguish so well. I’m sorry to say it takes quite a while until you feel better, but YOU WILL FEEL BETTER.

Some things to help you get a handle on all this.

1) See a lawyer to make sure you understand what separating might look like, especially if you have joint property or accounts. Knowledge is power and will help you feel a little more in control and remove some fear of the unknown. Especially since you have a kid.

2) Get a full panel test for all STI/STD. Don’t have unprotected sex with her until she also gets tested and shows you the results. Cheaters lie, but you can’t take a risk on your health. Doctors have seen and heard it all, so they will not judge.

3) focus on your health. Eat well, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol/drugs, get daily exercise and enough sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping or with anxiety, see your doctor. Some of us needed help for a little while to get through the shock of all this. If you are having trouble eating, try sipping on protein shakes during the day. Your physical health will help you mental and emotional health, so take care of yourself.

4) Read in the healing library and the posts in this forum with the bullseyes- you may have to go back a few pages to find some of them. But there is gold is some of those posts.

5) Find someone (in addition to us) to talk to. An individual counselor or therapist who is trauma—informed can be really helpful in navigating all this. A pastor, a trusted family member or best friend. You need outlets.

6) Internalize that this is 100% her fault and her responsibility. She did this, and it had nothing to do with you or anything you did or did not do.
No one is perfect and no marriage/relationship is perfect, but if she had issues there were dozens of other options - confront you, separate, demand couples counseling… she CHOSE to cheat. You did not cause it. And that means that you cannot do anything to make her stay - she has to want to AND has to change from cheater to good partner. So far, she has not shown she has any interest in doing that, so as really hard as it is, she is not giving you anything to work with. Better to save yourself here.

Keep posting, and trust that you will get through all this and thrive on the other side. It will take time and may not be the future you had envisioned, but it will be wonderful.

I was 53 on my D-Day, together for 27 years, married for 20, 3 kids.

So it sounds like she has started executing her exit plan which she's probably had in place for a while now hence the reason she has zero interest in explaining or reconciliation

Please do not beat yourself up trying to drag an explanation out of her. If she wanted to reconcile she would be willing to do anything, answer your questions no matter how difficult, start talking with a therapist, but it's clear she has no interest

The best thing you can do for yourself is keep your chin up and stay on the high road. Find people you can do fun activities with, talk with family, talk with friends, talk to a priest if religious

After my D-Day I realized I had no Social Circle outside of my wife which I was okay with but in hindsight it was very foolish on my part. I found an app called Meetup and use that to find a group of people that gets together to do fun things, one of which is sand volleyball. I told my wife I'm going to play volleyball with a group of people and this is just for me, you cannot be there. That was incredibly hard to say but it was the best thing I ever did for myself

It was awkward at first because I had to relearn how to be social without her by my side and I have had so much fun with these people. It helped me realize that even if we go all our separate ways I will be just fine. I thought I needed her to make me complete but eventually I realized I was already complete and she just added to it

It will be rough for a while but you can come here as often as you need to for support and advice

[This message edited by WB1340 at 7:07 PM, Monday, January 19th]

Love this story WB1340.

@TheFirstWife Thank you, wish I didn't have a story like this to tell

There have been times when I've had the thought that I was glad the affair happened because it forced change in my wife and myself that honestly never would have happened had our relationship not imploded. I know it sounds foolish to say this but there has been good because of it

I was very codependent prior to this but now I know that were I to find out about another affair or were she to walk in and say I'm done with this relationship I would just shrug and say okay and move on.

The biggest negative from this is I have become jaded and cynical about relationships. I do not see myself ever allowing myself to become so emotionally involved with another person. At my age I just don't think the reward is worth the risk.

Portusus, life will get better. The pain will get better. You will get better. It will take a long time but it will happen. We are here to help and support however we can