SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First time poster here. Not sure if this is the correct forum to use or not.

Today is one month from DDay of my confession to my H that I had an affair a year ago. As always, there have been ups and downs since then. There was hysterical bonding, a night of complete anger and hurtful words towards me, and normal, civil conversations between us. We have also been going to family events together due to the holidays.

I absolutely am dedicated to reconciling. Whether we reconcile or not, I have started IC and reading suggested materials, as well as journaling and looking at infidelity forums. My H has been back and forth on whether or not to reconcile. There have been moments where he says he can see him loving me again, that he wants to divorce (told me he hasn’t taken the steps for this), and that he wants to stay for the kids.

I told him I am understanding that this whole situation must be so confusing and painful for him. That I will be patient and give space when possible (our daughter is young and we have one on the way, coming very soon).

Of course I am hopeful to stay together, to work on our marriage. My question is what else can I be doing in these early stages of the unknown moving forward? I am doing my best to no longer be selfish, but have realized and admitted I still am even now. Have common is it for BS to be back and forth on this?

Thank you everyone.

go to the "Library" hear and read the stuff listed.

go to "Just found out" and read the pinned posts @ top of page.

Write out a detailed and also a limited details timeline(s) - he can choose which (Both?) to read or not.

After writing you may remember more stuff and you can annotate - the idea is not a word of Trickle Truth. (TT)

It's a soul killer for the betrayed.

No LIES. NOR LIES by omission. (annotate if you forgot at the time)

Do some reading on EMPATHY. A large number of CHEATERS have NO IDEA how much hurt that they have foisted on their spouse.

Know that your relationship is now and forever changed. How much, what ways, myriad possibilities.

There are some threads here of cheaters that eventually lost their spouse after/during trying everything they could to save the marriage (or relationship.)

And some threads of the cheater never giving up after they realized (and grew up) what true marriage is and managed to win back their spouse.

Look up "members" and search for Walloped, SpaceGhost0007, MrsSouthAfrica. One that is really a sorrowful story and a "waste" of a (what was) a good marriage. Look up waitedwaytoolong.

This time of year traffic here will be less than usual. Weekends tend to be more quiet also.

Suggest you add a short synopsis to your profile on what you did that has brought you here.

Wishing you luck and hoping you are really remorseful. look up what that means and how it looks/seems/feels to the betrayed -

Hurtful words towards you. Imagine that.

Have your children dna tested. Especially the new one.

You may know they’re his. He doesn’t.

Best wishes.

After you’ve written out a timeline set up a polygraph to verify. Ask your BH to work with the examiner so he’ll be comfortable with the process. Do a side gig, pick up extra shifts or sell something to pay for it. No marital funds.

You might get some more traction and help from others in your shoes if you post in the "Wayward Side."

Strap yourself in and prepare for the emotional roller coaster you put your husband on. The rule of thumb is that it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity, and reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress. That's not to say it's hopeless, far from it, but so many people underestimate the devastation and destruction an affair causes. You have a lot of work ahead if you if you're serious about reconciliation.

Just be there for him. Its going to take a lot of consistent behavior over a long period of time to rebuild trust. As mentioned above, DO NOT TRICKLE TRUTH HIM. That is absolutely a relationship killer. He needs to know the whole truth. All of it. How much detail a betrayed spouse might want will differ from person to person, but he needs to know what, when, where, and why. A discovery of new info you may have withheld a year from now will set you right back to the beginning again and start the whole process over at day zero, if not end it altogether. If he asks, don't spare details to spare his feelings. It will be much, much worse if he finds out later. Better to rip the whole bandage off now, from the start than risk reopening the wound again later.

You literally cannot apologize too much. Do it with something a little more meaningful than just a simple "I'm sorry."

*ETA: Keep in mind that you've had a year to absorb and mentally adjust to this. For him it happened just a month ago. This is still very fresh for him. Like I said, rule of thumb is 2 to 5 years just to recover. It can take a little more or a little less time depending on the person and situation, but be prepared for a long bumpy ride. PTSD isn't uncommon for a betrayed spouse.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:13 AM, Thursday, December 25th]

You've received great advice. Do post in the wayward section. Be there to support your BH.

Empathy, empathy, empathy and humility!
Do not let your shame or guilt allow you to be defensive or wallow. Put yourself in his shoes.

Work on yourself.Let go of the outcome. Get into IC to work on your weaknesses that allowed you to cheat. Become a better person for you no matter the outcome of your M. You betrayed your own values as well as your BH.

Good luck.

I saw you started a thread in the Wayward Side. Right now with the holidays and the weekend starting it's going to be slower than normal. Just checking in to see if you had any questions about what's been suggested so far?

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:08 PM, Friday, December 26th]

Thank you to everyone for their insight, taking the time to respond to me especially at this time of the year. I have started IC, something that I should have started years ago. I have and continue to read books regarding affairs and betrayal trauma so I can better comprehend the depth of the pain I have caused. I also have read so many topics on different forums and watched videos regarding this all, even before I confessed.

When I confessed, my H did ask questions. I answered them all completely truthfully. After a few days, he told me he did not want to hear anymore details as it won’t help anything. Should I still write out a detailed timeline just in case this changes? Or just wait to see if this is something needed in the future?

I offered a paternity test for our child on the way, but he told me he figures it’s his or else I probably would have confessed earlier. I am absolutely willing for this to take place after delivery. Our first born looks exactly like him, but I can certainly offer a paternity test for her as well.

Since he does not want to talk about the affair at the moment, I have started a journal of my thoughts and what I would want to tell him. He has access to look in it if he so wishes.

I have been mindful to give him space and let him initiate intimacy and time together as a family. At the same time, I let him know how willing I am for this whenever, both conversations and intimacy.

My biggest struggle at the moment, I believe, is being respectful when his mind is rightfully back and forth on how to move forward. I also have trouble not wallowing in shame. I will randomly cry, but instead of seeking comfort from him, I journal my thoughts.

Thank you all again.

Write it all down. The harder it is to write, the more important you do so. Include your emotions at the time, and sexual details.

You are correct in thinking that he might ask more questions one day (he probably will), and your not being able to remember will be harmful.

Do the paternity tests, no matter what he says. There must be not the tiniest doubt in his mind, and only the test will accomplish that.

Best wishes.

And wallow in shame for awhile.

They say adultery is only hard the first time.

Maybe wallowing for awhile will help prevent a repeat performance.

(I know, I know, "You’ll never do it again!" But, you were equally sure you wouldn’t do it the first time, right up until you did. You need to appreciate you’re not as strong as you think, and figure out how to stay way away from the temptations.)

You BH is going to be back and forth for a long time, and you’ll be under a microscope.

Hi brokenvase767. There's a thread pinned to the top of the Wayward Side forum entitled: "Things that every WS needs to know." I highly suggest reading it carefully, several times.

SI has a "Healing Library." You'll find a link in the pull-down menu at the top of the page. In the "Articles" section you'll find a wealth of excellent essays written by veteran SI members.

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair," by Linda MacDonald is possibly the best book you could read at this point. It's a quick read and offers excellent advice.

In the first few months after d-day, my exww initiated sex quite often. Sometimes I was receptive, sometimes not. It just depended upon the day, my mood, mind-moves, all sorts of craziness. The intention was usually appreciated. I don't know if this will help, but I think it will.

For most people, the betrayal of infidelity is a severe emotional and psychological trauma. It takes years to recover and heal from it.

You've confessed and have been open and honest about everything, which is great. Generally speaking, affairs are bad enough for most betrayed spouses. What will really kill a relationship are lies, blame-shifting, minimizing, gas-lighting and such. In this regard you have a greater chance of reconciliation.

I do not typically recommend marriage counseling early on in reconciliation. All too often MCs are uneducated and inexperienced with infidelity and will do more harm than good. However, in time, it may be helpful.

Keep reading and posting. There's tremendous wisdom here. We'll happily answer and questions you may have.

Your main job is to just stand in the storm you created.

You are going to want to make it right, having first made it wrong. To do things, to control things. But ultimately the BS has to take control for there to be a chance. You can try to manipulate that moment, I guess, but that would be you taking control.

Stand in the storm, never quitting.