SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all im new and just need to vent.

In June my husband had an emotional affair and sexting with a work colleague, someone who i had warned him about as she is all over the men at work and works night out socials, and her behaviour just made me uncomfortable. Before june, she had started messaging him separately to the work group chat, which I brought up i didn't like and he got defensive, I got the usual speel like "i cant have any female friends, shes just a friend" crap..... Long story short turns out my intuition was spot on and ultimately i found out they had been sexting and emotionally offloading to each other about us, personal things, her to him about her husband who was treating her badly who she had seperated from, then it led to intimate photos being exchanged.. He had lied and hid this from me, went to great lengths to lock her convo on whatsapp, gaslit me and was awful towards me whilst this went on. It all came out by me seeing things on his phone. I was and have been absolutely heartbroken by it all and his behaviour. During all this we have been going through the worst time imaginable with our daughter (14)and her mental health this year. Its truly been awful shes been so poorly💔.Despite all this, ive always been the loyal loving wife, Ive still given him attention, sex etc and ive stood up for things hes been doing which are wrong and know what boundaries are .

So fast forward to now- im still anxious and its taken me weeks to feel better. Ill never forgive or forget but really tried to reconcile. We have had some nice days out and time together. And really trying to rebuild. But theres some big "buts..."

when it all came out I was going to end it all, but I love him and after a lot of tears, us spending some time apart and low points i decided to try and work on it..... when we talked I set ground rules and made him cut her off completely and block her on everything, and made him send her a pm saying I know. He showed me he had done all this and we started to try to move on from it slowly.

The "buts" - there's just something bugging me with the whole thing. And the fact she's still at his place of work. I know your probably going to say he should leave or have left but its a very well paid job, we are struggling and he has lovely work colleagues bar her - its just difficult. He made that choice to get inappropriately involved with her and is now paying the price for it with me clamping down. He's even moaned about work socials now, as I've rightly said I dont want him on any if shes there - he says he won't be able to go to any then as she's at all of them (of course she is she loves attention!) It makes me angry he has caused this situation. It's his fault hes been put in this situation!!!

What really bugs me is she is in a WhatsApp work related group chat with him , still sees him now and then at work which I hate. He has promised he has nothing to do with her if he sees her. He has her blocked on WhatsApp and all social media - but this work related group work chat she still tries to interact with him despite him blocking her. WhatsApp does not block the contact on mutual groups. Im worried they are still chatting. its clear that she still likes him misses chatting to him or trying to interact. Either that or she's just feeling awkward over what's gone on. My husband is very social bubbly and charming and she is likely missing him, either that or they've just took it more underground and still chatting. Which im really anxious about. There's been no proof of this so far but I have seen that she's trying her best to interact with him in the work related chat. I dont understand why she won't leave him alone - as far as hes told me hes cut her off but she's not acting like it or what I suspected she would like a woman scorned.shes that kind of woman. Something isn't adding up.

Im just worried theres been more to it all.I just feel so down with it all and still so upset he did this when we are going through such an upsetting time with our daughter.💔 if things carry on or i find anything else im going to have to be more firm and ask him to leave his job. Im beginning to wish I had back in June. X

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 11:40 AM, Wednesday, December 10th]

Your intuition was right before. You need to start giving your instincts more credit.
There is something keen inside of us that is able to do a far better job of seeing the writing on the wall than our emotional and logical conscious parts. And if not for it, you would be in the dark about this.

I understand his job makes the lifestyle possible, but theres a good chance its going to wreck up both of your lives, through no fault of yours. This is not no contact. By remaining in proximity to the AP socially, he is not choosing you. His relationship with you. This is bare minimum stuff.

I will caution you that people in physical proximity sharing nude pictures and sexting dont usually keep the affair from turning physical. Waywards lie and minimize until they cant. And people like us stay on the ride, trying to believe, chasing and waiting for behaviors that they would already be showing if thats where their inclinations lay. Both people get turned into burger by this.

Dont accept it. You deserve fathoms of dignity more than what this is.

Thank you 5bluedrops you are spot on regarding intuition and are correct its definitely "no contact" . Its just starting to make me really angry now. Its just taking the mick. A cut off to me is harsh NO CONTACT no possibility of being near her at work or interacting in chats or being bothered about work socials. He should show me hes respecting my wishes and not wanting to be anywhere near her

I think after Christmas if I see or find out anything else, I am going to say something along the lines of he either leaves or I do. I can't cope with it and its no life to live and I do think hes still disrespecting me. He probably thinks I won't know or get to find out if hes chatting to her at work or on breaks etc. There is ways and means. They work in a hospital department and the staff have a certain area they hang around in on breaks. Not hard to find. I shouldn't even be thinking like this 😕 😪 I can't believe im even writing this post down:'( i just still think hes being dishonest. He's definitely not putting our marriage as top priority, seems more bothered about hurting her feelings if he cuts her off fully. I hate this. This year has been truly awful. I want to go into next year knowing my marriage is secure and no worries. Unfortunately its not going to be that way.

The thing that really kicks me and makes me angry is this horrible trashy homewrecking woman, who has caused so much hurt and anger to me this year, will likely be getting off and knowing that my husband is still interacting with her and will know ive told him to block her yet will be laughing because hes still chatting to her, she must think im stupid, a mug!!! I hate her so much, and i hate what hes done with someone so awful.

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 1:08 PM, Wednesday, December 10th]

There are some "truths" that this site, and others like it, teach:

1. Is it still going on? Probably, and if it hasn’t escalated to physical yet, it will.

2. He likes it. He likes the attention, the validation, etc. Even if he ends it with her, he’s a threat to look for it again with someone else, because he’s getting something he wants.

3. It not about you. There’s nothing about you that caused this. It’s something about him, that has to get fixed. And you’re not going to fix it with more "nice", with more "attention", with more "sex." He has to fix it.

4. It’s not about her, either. She’s not some sultry siren who cast a spell on him. If it hadn’t been her, it likely would have been someone else.

5. You’ve taught him he can get away with this. He can gaslight you, talk you down. No consequences.

What to do?

I don’t know. I did everything wrong with my cheating wife. But you’ll get lots of advice here. Maybe more if you posted in "Just Found Out."

What I will advise is that you have to do something. Ignoring this is not the answer.

Are you sure she’s separated?

Best wishes.

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 1:46 PM, Wednesday, December 10th]

Thank you formerpeopleperson and your points are truth hard to read but spot on. I wasn't sure which forum to post in really

Regarding her being seperated , the last thing I heard(via my husband!!) was she was back with her on off husband. I dont know what to believe with this, i think its bs to be honest. He still seems to know a lot about what's going on with her but says its from another colleague.

Is he still lying through his teeth and involved with her :'( im beginning to think yes but i could be reading into things too much. Its just a horrible place to be and still be

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 2:01 PM, Wednesday, December 10th]

Having a teenage daughter is stressful enough...but during this time is a stress level way UP THERE! At this time of the year...well...it is a trifecta of STRESS. If writing on here helps even a little bit...then Vent away Dear Lady!

The thing that really kicks me and makes me angry is this horrible trashy homewrecking woman, who has caused so much hurt and anger to me this year, will likely be getting off and knowing that my husband is still interacting with her and will know ive told him to block her yet will be laughing because hes still chatting to her, she must think im stupid, a mug!!! I hate her so much, and i hate what hes done with someone so awful.

I learned that anger is a secondary emotion brought on by a primary emotion such as hurt, anger, fear, etc. When I was able to find what my primary emotion was and focus on taking care of that emotion, then my anger would subside . The adultery co-conspirator may think you are stupid...but you aren't the one who became a "sloppy second adultery co-conspirator" Dear Lady . Can you imagine her trying to interact with him...on a public group chat...and everyone is seeing it and they can tell he is snubbing her? How PATHETIC is that???

I don't know which scenario is happening...if they are still chatting...or if she is pathetically still trying to reach out to him while he is snubbing her. But in either scenario...YOU are not the stupid one Dear Lady!

Waiting until after Christmas sounds like a good time to put a plan into action . That will be one less stressor to deal with and a new year to begin a new path of where you want YOUR life to go.

Thank you want2behappyagain that's a good way of putting it regarding him snubbing her. I dont think he is though and she reeks of desperation.

I dont think he is though and she reeks of desperation.

Your GUT was spot on in the past. ALWAYS trust your GUT!

There is another saying on here that is trustworthy...ACTIONS over WORDS. Your husband's actions will show your GUT more than his words ever will.

Just KNOW that you WILL get through this Dear Lady . It may seem overwhelming right now but every day you are healing from this trauma a little at a time (((HUGS))).

This post really hit home for me because your WH reminds me a lot of my ex. He was Mr. Social Butterfly and friends with everyone. His first affair (that I know about) was with one of his co-workers. He also refused to look for another job and had a million and one excuses as to why he had to stay.

You don't need to be psychic or rely on "intuition." All you need is common sense.

1. If they're still working together, then, at the very least, they're still communicating. They don't need to call or text each other if they're seeing each other every day. They could also be sneaking off together during breaks and you wouldn't know it. Your husband blocking her on his phone and telling her that things are over is meaningless when you know and she knows that it wasn't his choice.

2. If they were seeing each other every day and sending each other sexy photos and message, then they almost certainly had sex or fooled around in some manner. That is what adults do.

3. Your husband is only going to admit to the bare minimum of what you can prove. He's shown this repeatedly. If he thinks he can lie to get out of it, he will. He's never copped to anything that you hadn't already discovered beforehand.

4. If he's whining about how you won't let him to go to "work socials" then he really doesn't understand the impact of his betrayal or really care about how much devastation he's caused you. He thinks this is just a minor argument that will blow over eventually.

Let me tell you from experience that your feelings of anxiety and sadness will never go away, so long as he working under the same roof as the OW. And all those other nice, "lovely" co-workers that he's friends with at his job know that he's having an affair and are complicit in it.

In my opinion, he not only needs a different job, but he needs better boundaries with everyone in his life. I don't know what line of work he's in (my ex was the host at a restaurant/wine bar), but if chatting over apps like teenagers is the norm, then maybe he needs an entirely new profession altogether.

That brings me to my next point, which is you shouldn't have to worry about what this man-child is doing behind your back when you have an actual teenage daughter to worry about. Instead of being mentally and emotionally present for her, he's been wasting time and energy chatting with his friends, going to "work socials," and carrying on an affair. His actions have created instability in your home during a challenging time when she needs safety and stability more than ever.

Your husband thinks that all he has to do is sweet talk and romance you, and then hope you just get over it. If you allow that, then you're setting yourself up for more betrayals and more misery.

Personally-- and again, I'm speaking as someone who went through exactly what you went through-- my advice to you is that him finding new job and cutting contact with everyone at his current work place should be a condition of you even considering reconciliation.

If he balks at that and accuses you of being unreasonable and controlling, then you know that your marriage and your family isn't a priority to him. And as much as you might fear divorce and how it might impact your daughter, perhaps you need to consider the fact that you've probably been a single mother for a while now-- you just didn't know it.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:29 PM, Wednesday, December 10th]

Thank you bluerthanblue that's really harsh to read but again absolutely spot on and shows how bad it all is 🥺💔

I would have had more respect for him if he had left his job straight away a clean total cut off from it all new job. But ive let him get away with that side of it and now here we are.

You are also right about his colleagues knowing. This is one thing that really eats me up people gossiping and "if only she knew " crap. Well I do know unfortunately and what my husband is capable of but they dont know i know. What a mess

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 6:02 PM, Wednesday, December 10th]

It's my personal experience, and it seems to apply to many situations, that until there are some real consequences a cheating spouse will just continue with the same behaviors. My wife wasn't very motivated to go full no contact until I started calling divorce lawyers and real estate agents. I heard a lot of "It's over." "We're just friends now." "I hardly even see him anymore..." Meanwhile I'm an anxious bag of raw nerves every time she went to work until she came home because I knew they were still working at the same place.

When I had enough and decided I didn't want to continue to be married to her as long as she tried to maintain any kind of "just friends" or even passing at work type of relationship that she rolled her sleeves up and started doing something about it. The next day she filled out transfer papers to be moved to a new location and blocked him on everything. I know I felt very relieved that not only did she transfer out of there, but took the steps to do it on her own. Up until I took steps toward divorce she was dragging her feet.

It's going to be very, very difficult, if for any reason for your feelings of safety and security, to stay in a relationship with him as long as he's still working with his AP. If he REALLY wants to fix things and stay with you he'll do whatever it takes to make it happen. If not, then you kind of have your answer. You don't have to make him do anything, but you also don't have to stick around as long as he isn't doing things to make you feel safe and secure. It's not about control. It's about setting boundaries that you're willing or not willing to live with. You set your boundaries, then tell him he can do whatever he wants. It's his choice. You're just letting g him know you won't be there if he doesn't choose you.

You are also right about his colleagues knowing. This is one thing that really eats me up people gossiping and "if only she knew " crap. Well I do know unfortunately and what my husband is capable of but they dont know i know. What a mess

Another red flag. If his colleagues knew the affair was going on, then they would know that you found out and that he ended it.

To be clear, I don't think you should give him an ultimatum (ie, "do this or else"). Tell him that you're not going to feel safe in your marriage for as long as he is working at this place and has any of these people in his life. Tell him that you're not comfortable with him socializing with his colleagues outside of work hours. Tell him you don't like he's remaining in contact with her, even as part of the group chat.

Let him make his own choices... and then observe whether those choices demonstrate his love for you and commitment to your marriage. If he continues to behave selfishly and tries to sweep all this under the rug, then you have to decide whether the mistrust and anxiety is something you're willing to live with or whether you need to move on.

When I was in your shoes, I made the choice to believe that my ex and OW were just friends and the romance was over. I tried to make peace with him remaining at his job, even when it tore me up inside. I didn't make a fuss when he went out with his friends whenever he wanted because I didn't want to be thought of as a "ball buster."

And my reward for that love and patience was complete loss of respect (both from him and for myself) and, eventually, another Dday... with a different woman.

Thank you pogre and bluerthanblue for the good advice.

I know exactly what will happen if I bring it up again it will be all my fault saying I thought we had moved past this etc whilst he is continuing to take the absolute p out of me.

I found out yesterday via another colleague(I've known her since school) that he is still around her at work and they have even organised a Christmas do with other colleagues together, making a list for it and their names are the top 2 on this list which shows me they are still chatting privately and at work - despite him blocking her for me - and hes actively still around her. He just can't stay away from that piece of trash. There must be a reason why he can't stand up for us, me our marriage with that woman. He dosent care.

This is the last straw for me

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 7:42 AM, Thursday, December 11th]