SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sorry at all, thanks for sharing, it certainly gives extra context as we engage.

I’m going to give you a link here to that thread I mentioned. I forgot that it is 20 pages long! It’s a mixture of some of my story with a lot of great discussion on the nature of marriage from a lot of wise people. Feel free to disregard if it’s not helpful to you, I won’t lose any sleep

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/662172/what-is-marriage/?ap=21

Inkhulk,

Genuine question: what needs does a marriage have that are somehow separate needs from what you need and what your wife needs?

Fair question. And I have an answer.

I have always had a strong need to discuss any problematic issue I am having with someone else. Especially with my wife and later with both of my kids. I see this as an asset and in the 1st 3 decades a must for a healthy marriage.

My wife on the other hand does not share this value. She keeps her thoughts and feelings, especially if they are negative, within herself. And that value was supported by our conservative beliefs of the time. I did not agree with that belief, but she did. I would push her to share especially after her affair. My need to talk was breaking her spirit. So, I had to set aside my needs, allowing her need of privacy to exist, un-assaulted.

I will say, that over the past 3 years my wife has become far more assured of herself and is finding it easier to have difficult conversations with not only me but others as well. When it comes to talking about the affair, that is lagging but better now than before. And I credit that to what I am learning here about trying to stay in the current and love my wife as she is now not as she was then.

When I was going thru it and posting a lot here as a BH on the journey, others pointed out some serious KISA (knight in shining armor) tendencies in me. Does that fit you? Do you take a sense of pleasure in setting aside your own needs for others AND for some greater good? Not saying self-sacrifice is all bad, I would jump in front of a bullet for my children, I know that. But again, balance.

I wouldn’t express it as "knight in shining armor" more that I felt called to serve not to self-serve. Though I no longer have a spiritual side, I did find that I still believe in the ideal of living simply so others may simply live. As with you, I’d jump in front of the bus to save my family and I would hope that I might have the strength to do the same for a stranger. (Though I probably wouldn’t.)

Asterisk

Hikingout,

For you, it might have some to do with the valuation you put in your spouse, sure. But it also might have some to do with the value of holding onto the affair.

I would have argued against this when I 1st arrived at SI. As you said, "that seems crazy". And yet, here I am 3 plus decades later clinging to it! It is embarrassing as hell!!!

Thank you again for sharing another portion of your healing journey and what has worked for you. What I am beginning to understand as a new way of approaching the issue is to attempt to keep in my mind what my wife is showing herself to be now. To banish the past to where it belongs.

Asterisk

Unhinged,

I truly believe that your commitment, respect and love for you wife is honorable and aspirational. At the same time, you've chosen to suffer for thirty years because you have put her "needs" above yours. Please understand, I'm not trying to "throw this in your face," so to speak,

What I have come to understand about the people here is that no one, including you, has tried "to throw this (anything) in my face". Everyone has been kind and generous. I don’t see sometimes putting my needs behind my wife’s needs as a major issue. I will admit there is something here for her and I to discuss, which we have started to do. What I believe is the bigger issue is why I had a need to vise grip the affair even though my wife is not living that dishonest life anymore. She didn’t live it prior either. Why then, I probably will never fully know. I don’t think she does either. Back, shortly after disclosure that would have been extremely helpful for my healing to have known the reasons but now, 30 odd years later, it should not matter anymore.

The reductionist in me says: yes, we are all the centers of our own universe. We are all the heroes of our own stories, the sum total of all of our own experiences. Anything else is vicarious living and generally pernicious.

There is a wisdom tucked into these lines that I don’t know if I just don’t fully understand or I just do not fully agree. I’ll ponder on it!

Is this really why you didn't cheat, because you were "over-invested" in your marriage?

No, that is a good point. I think I had a stronger understanding of the pain cheating on my spouse would cause her and I would never want to be "that guy!" My wife has said, in the past, that she was surprised that I was so hurt which informed me of how different we were in this area. It really left me scratching my head. Oh, and I would not want to be the cause of a potential affair partner’s pain or the pain of a possible spouse. If for no other reason that it is enough pain in this world and I don’t want to create anymore than possible to avoid. Which, when it comes to my wife, I have been failing at for the past 6 months.

Asterisk

Hikingout,

The nice thing is- I still put wife and mom as good reasons to exist. I still make those things a top priority, I just don’t take myself totally off the list. And that means sometimes when I don’t want to do something, I just don’t do it

I would say I fit that bill as well.

As unhinged pointed out, allowing your wife’s feelings to be more important while you suffer with it has been too detrimental to you. I understand that you also don’t want her to shut down because that also causes you to suffer. But you can hold your need and respond to her as she responds. I think you are learning that given your recent conversation with her.

I am beginning to accept the wisdom shown me and though I don’t fully agree with the detrimental aspect, I am giving it room to seep in. And yes, my recent conversations with my wife concerning how I am feeling at this moment has gone well and I attribute that as a win due to all of you guys.

Asterisk

Inkhulk,

Have you read The Great Divorce by CS Lewis?

Oh yes, I have read many of his writings. It was almost required reading right behind scripture. These days, I’d be that guy on the bus that once believed but has chosen to remain on the bus. A real indictment of what a terrible human being I am. It is a shame some people need to see me that way. I guess it is Karma. So no, I don’t subscribe to his writings or allow myself to be cowed by him. Obviously, I have issues here. 😊

Asterisk

OnTheOtherSideOfHell,

After D day I was dead set on living for me. I was determined to end or save my marriage based solely on my wants. The tricky part veered its ugly head when I realized so many of my needs, wants, and what brought me peace and joy was centered around the health and happiness of my family, especially my children. For me, choosing what was overall best for them or at least considering it wasn’t a sacrifice in so much as it was self preservation. Watching them suffer emotionally or financially would have been more painful than the betrayal I suffered from my husband.

No one, has expressed it the way I see it as you have here. Again, I must confirm, my marriage and my family are greater than myself. I don’t see that as a sacrifice I see it as a fact of life. That is not berating me as a person it is simply being who I feel I should be as a husband and father.

It does leave me wondering am I sacrificing myself by always choosing them and their needs first or is it actually choosing me since the well being of my children are what bring me the most joy and peace in life? 🤷‍♀️🤔

Yes, yes their wellbeing is choosing what is both good for me and my best joy.

...one thing is for sure, we are all unique individuals and unfortunately a one size fits all approach does not work.

Agree, and that is why I value every person who has taken time out of their lives to offer me advice and what has and hasn’t worked for them.
Asterisk

Thank you Inkhulk, for your thoughtfulness in reading my history. I'll check out your link in a while but I'm in overload mode at the moment. I'm going to go and play a board game with my wife and daughter.

Asterisk

So no, I don’t subscribe to his writings or allow myself to be cowed by him. Obviously, I have issues here.

I’ll keep my references to a minimum on your threads, then

You are drinking from the firehose here anyway. It’s a pleasure talking with you.

InkHulk,

No, don't hold back. I welcome advice from different points of view. However, I will push back with the intent to understand and to be understood.

Asterisk

P.S. I'm on page 4 of the link you sent. I have so much I want to say but probably won't. good stuff there, some I'm onboard with some not so much. Even though I'm ancient, I'm still a bit of a romantic, so viewing my relationship with my wife as a business contract just is a bit too distant for me. LOL