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Not sure if this is even a common stage, maybe acceptance but 8 months from Dday 2, 9 months from d day 1 and I feel like I have had a shift in mindset. I feel like I have surrendered the fight. I am no longer trying to "fix" when I spiral, I simply "feel", for me this looks like I simply tell my husband what I am feeling and what has triggered me as opposed to picking over the past, asking more questions, asking the same question hoping for a different answer etc It hasn't been easy but I have done this now for a month, and the spirals are getting less frequent and I can get through them alot quicker. My husband has also stopped fearing my responses and really leans into it. For example I wanted to watch a program on TV, he made a fuss about not wanting to watch it (our older teens were there), later while on our own he told me the program had a husband discussing his affair and his wife was talking about this journey, he said he didn't want me triggered and blindsided while the kids were there but if I wanted to watch it as it was a good watch (documentary) he would watch it with me. Im sharing this for others early in this journey, I honestly couldn't see past the end of some days but I can see hope again and I can see my future again, even if it is.with baby steps

Baby steps — I sure remember those.

And steps forward and steps backward as well.

I experienced a similar moment. I recall my wife jumping off the couch and diving for the TV remote because the show we were watching had a scene with infidelity in it. We’re not young, and it was an amazing athletic move — but I told her she can’t protect me from triggers. What she can do is listen to me when I was struggling, and she did.

I am glad your husband is listening more.

I also like the sound of progress, however small it is.

Definitely full aware there will be many more backwards steps to come, I know this is a journey, and a difficult one at times, but at the minute I feel we are walking it beside each other

Walking beside each other is definitely progress.

I hope your healing continues.

Drowning45,

It both warms my heart and simultaneously causes a yellow yield sign, gut feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled for you and am amazed that you and your husband have gotten to where you both are in such a very short time. As Oldwounds suggested " and you have confirmed:

And steps forward and steps backward as well.

In this case of my yield sign gut feeling isn’t so much as to be encouraging you to slow down but more like to watch for oncoming traffic (emotions) that will more than likely demand their rights of way. The reason for my concern is the line below:

I feel like I have surrendered the fight.

Words mean different things to different people and so sometimes it is important to ask for clarification, and this is one of those times for me. I think it is that I’m struggling with the phrase: "surrendered to the fight" with the focus on the word "surrendered".

Please know, that I am very supportive of your journey as everyone here is. And we are a support-system built, 1st for you and then for your marriage reconciliation.

Bravo, to you and your husband.

Asterisk

@asterisk

I have yet to forgive our how to quote and reply so forgive the layout.

In response your yield sign, I fully get it and that's kinda what I mean by surrendering the fight. I am no longer desperately fighting for a different past, desperately fighting to not face my feelings. I know triggers and reminders will still come, heck they are still here daily, the difference is I no longer fight them, I sit with them, I feel the emotions of them, the hurt, I share it with my husband and then I move on about my day. I know coming up to the anniversary of it all being exposed with be horrific but I also know I am strong enough to withstand it, I trust myself now, and I am working my resilience every minute of every day.

Drowning 45,

You and your husband have done within a year what it took my wife and me far too long to accomplish. Honestly, I am deeply impressed.

I know coming up to the anniversary of it all being exposed with be horrific but I also know I am strong enough to withstand it, I trust myself now, and I am working my resilience every minute of every day.

I guess the 1-year mark is what I was quietly trying to give a heads up. It seem you have already prepared yourself and it appears so has your husband. As I said in my 1st reply, and meant it, Bravo!

Thank you for the clarification.
Asterisk