SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all. After almost 9 yrs since my last dday my wh is at it again. It is really crazy. I told him that he is a very disturbed person to do this to me and, really, himself again. He’s not admitting anything but I saw a notification from a woman he was having a convo with. It had a thumbnail photo of her. Blonde, smiling woman. I ask him who she was. He said all kind of things including "I don’t know." "It’s probably a client" and " She’s nobody." Funny thing is, we’ve been here before and those are all things he said about his last affair co-conspirator. Where’s the transparency he promised and has been living all these years upholding? So, after feeling upset and kind of in shock, I called a friend and quickly got it off my chest and then went to dinner with wh and my 3 adult sons. We are on a family vacation visiting my family that live here in Hawaii. I told him I’d be friendly and normal on this last trip with our sons, but that’s all. I talked to him about moving some of the lovely desks he’s not using at his office to our home so I can use them in my sewing room. He had wanted to use that room as a pantry but I said that he won’t be living there anyway and I never wanted that to be a pantry so… He looked at me very shocked and asked "Where will I be?" Seriously??? We are not doing this AGAIN. I never should have stayed with him the first time but I had 3 little children, and our youngest was only 1. He begged and I caved. The last time he threatened suicide and I got scared and I stayed. I learned so much from coming here. And I realized later that it was manipulation and as the time passed, I just continued to stay. Recently, he has started to show classic signs. Going to the gym, tanning salon, no sex and disappearing with odd excuses. My youngest son (22) has just started making comments that dad disappears a lot and whenever he calls him, he never answers but calls him back a few minutes later. Same old crap he used to do. I even confronted him a couple months ago. Now I just feel stupid. But, it’s not me, it’s him. That I know. He’s damaged and he can’t be fixed. I just don’t know why he kept me for another 9 yrs. Who the f does that??? Oh, I know. Dickheads like him. I have to laugh because it’s ridiculous. How sad to end up this way.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I’m back. Can I join this club again. 🤷‍♀️
It’s going to be a long couple of weeks on this vacay, but I have been in therapy since 2016 dealing with this, so my coping skills are good. I had terrible PTSD. I really didn’t feel good for about 7 yrs. Him? The guy with the problem? He quit after not even a year. I’m feeling indifferent and in a way I’m relieved. It’s over and I don’t have to regret staying the rest of my life wondering if I made the right decision. I obviously did not so I’m moving on. I’ve been with him since I was 17. 41 years. What a dummy.
He may open his phone and prove me wrong but that is a very long shot and he hasn’t done it yet and he’s snoring away in bed so pretty sure that ship has sailed. The man I thought I married has been gone for years and the new guy looks like he was full of bs.
The good things are: we have a good life so I will have a roof over my head and my boys love me.
Thanks for reading.

Sorry you find a need and reason to be here again, but at the same time I’m glad to see your resolve.

I do want to warn you about a couple of things... Not to get you to change your mind, but rather so that you are more assured and feel better and safer moving on.

Your statement about him not living in the family home any more... Well... that’s totally dependent on the outcome of the divorce.
Be clear on that: I see two extremely common misconceptions about divorce and maybe even a gender-difference in how they are viewed.
The first misconception (and this tends to be women) is that life goes on as normal, only without the spouse. So you keep the house, the better car, the lifestyle, the pension, the savings and the cat...
The second misconception (and this tends to be men) is that with divorce they are left destitute, living in a single-room condo and using the camping cutlery for their microwaved meals while paying for their exes Bermuda holidays.

The truth lies somewhere in-between...

I sometimes think the successful divorce is where both parties feel they got short-shifted. Should have gotten more.

With this long marriage you are entitled to the value of half the assets, plus support. That might enable you to keep the house, but it’s not a foregone conclusion. For all you know you might want to get a smaller place that’s easier and cheaper to manage and maintain, and away from negative memories. I'm certain you will be fine. Only IMHO it's better to be realistic than have some expectation that won't pan out.

I encourage you to consult with a GOOD divorce attorney at the soonest, and to get a clearer picture about how this might go. Take the initiative rather than let your ex control the pace and the process.

Once again – sorry you have a need for this site again, but glad to see your resolve.

So sorry that you're going through this again. Bigger's advice is quite good. I wanted to add that you practice self-care and take care of you at this time.

Forgive me because I haven’t been here in so long I don’t really know how to post a reply.🤷‍♀️

Bigger - Thank you for your quick reply and useful info. Unfortunately, this isn’t my first rodeo. When I was younger and my kids were small, my biggest fear was being a struggling single mother barely able to keep a roof over my head. I think my statement about him not being in the house needed a bit information as to where he will be. We have a vacation home at the beach, which he frequently goes (without me many times) because he plays soccer on a team down there. This has made it easy for him to conceal his cheating, I’m sure. My youngest son lives there because it is close to his university, which is why his comments about dad disappearing are relevant. So, I might not be in our family home but I know I will have a home and that gives me peace. But, I know I can’t trust him and thanks for the advice on getting a lawyer. I will do that.

Leafields- Thank you for your reply. I will take of myself. I have to remember to do that. This is so sad but I’ll be ok. Thank you.

I never blame people for staying for the kids and financial or health reasons. There are practical reasons why people stay married at different points despite everything. Small children to me, are a valid reason to stay especially if you don't know how you could raise them financially. There are practical reasons people stay. But I have always been against reconciliation because I think it rarely works and if it "works" it's at the cost of the BS. The BS has to eat the shit sandwich and keep eating it because once they treat you like this, it's never really the same again. The fracture lines are there even if they heal over. I'm sorry for what you're going through but I think this is what your husband is like, maybe he's been doing this right along but someone caught his eye, or he feels secure enough now to pull this shit, and there you are. Sounds like you are in the absolute right mind set at this point and in a much better frame of mind to handle this. You've seen the signs before, we all know in our gut, and I think you're right, and you know it. Even to have these suspicions at this point, means it just hasn't worked out.

Personally, I would advise most people who have been through a real hurtful infidelity or series of them, or discovered long term affairs....to divorce. I think it is by far the best solution, if it can be done in a practical way at that time. At least recognize that you're not really going to come back from this...most people don't. They accommodate each other. At some point, most people end up back at the same place. If you divorce, maybe you can reconcile eventually but divorce IS the serious line in the sand. It shows you don't put up with shit.

Good luck, SAL, and don't feel badly about staying for 9 years - it was probably the most practical thing you could do at the time and I think you used the time wisely to help you and the kids. You're a stronger person and in a better place to recover now than you probably were 9 years ago.

Bond and Bigger come to you with different but practical ideas. Bigger’s ideas are around the nuts and bolts of separation and divorce. Bond’s focus is on the long term damage to bs. You should pay attention to both.
A onetime cheater who really gets the damage, works diligently to repair as much as they can, and never cheats again might have a good marriage.
Bond is looking at your ws’ entire history and sees no redeeming behaviors. He cannot help himself so you need to help yourself.
My thought is going to be for you to look at what happens after the divorce. You are still young enough to not have this staring you in the face but at some point you’re going to need doctors. So look at where you need to park yourself for the rest of your life. If you can get good ones at either home, then you’re in good shape. You need to look at where you can go to find fun. You need to look around and see where your support system is. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve talked to who move someplace where they knew no one because they retired and think this looks like a lovely place to live. The problem is they don’t know anybody. Where I live we are a very settled community with a huge influx of newcomers. Some of them have quickly found spots where they’re happy but others are still floundering trying to find friends. All of us need friends and especially do we need support systems. I recently met someone who moved here from Hawaii. That was their dream place to live until they realized how far away they were from everyone they knew. It’s wonderful to sit on the beach until you realize the damage you’re doing to your skin. Hawaii is a wonderful place but it’s not for everyone and it certainly was not for that family. My point being that you need to be very realistic about what you’re going need in five years and 15 and 20.

How awful, stunnedandlost. We give so much grace in reconciliation, and you have done so twice already! No one can blame you for kicking him out. I really hope you find some peace and happiness going forward, once you're through the divorce process and the dust has settled.

You sound very level-headed about it all, but I'm sure you're hurting too. We're here if you need to vent or a virtual shoulder to cry on. Sending you strength as you navigate this next difficult chapter (and also for surviving the rest of your vacation).