SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I literally cannot live with the guilt. I am the betrayer and I regret it so much, I had 2 online affairs within 3 months , and stupidly met up with both at seperate times,
My husband said 3 wks later he is willing to try and save our marriage , he doesn’t want marriage counselling so I’m persuing this on my own , I had the affair as I was feeling low/ unwanted/ feeling I do everything which isn’t an excuse as i still should not have done it,
Can anyone give me a time of when they starting to feel better , I literally cannot function with the stress and guilt , ontop of taking to my husband and answering all questions honestly , I’ve told him everything. Whilst also looking after 3 young children . I don’t actually feel I can cope with feeling like this for years. Did it start to lift and get better in months ? I’m not expecting it to go away just be manageable and be able to do day to day stuff without crying all the time and feeling not being able to move/ tired etc. I also worry about the future being on my own etc i have no job

Welcome to SI. There are some posts pinned to the top of the Wayward forum that you may find helpful. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources.

You may wish to get the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

You don't need marriage counseling (MC) at this point. The M didn't cheat. Generally, IC (individual counseling) for each of you is better, as MCs help work on the relationship. You need to do the work to become a safe partner, and he may need IC with a betrayal trauma specialist to heal.

Please be sure to get tested for STDs/STIs because there are lots of nasty diseases out there. Were any of the APs (affair partners) married? If so, please inform their spouse.

I am a BS (betrayed spouse), so I'm not sure when you'll feel better. For me, I wasn't quite a zombie any longer at about 12 months but didn't consider myself healed until about 3 years out. One industry estimate is 2-5 years for your individual healing, and longer if you try to R (reconcile).

Yes APs were married . I didn’t actually have sex so no risk of STI , kissed and other sexual activity but not one that would lead to an STI. I am so regretful. Did you reconcile?

The old "Don't do the crime if you can't do the TIME"
Clean your act up. Answer questions. Become transparent. Lose the secret accounts and buddies. Get rid of those who are not friends of the marriage. Basically re-invent yourself. Give him space if he wants it. if he isn't talking don't force him too. He's trying to make sense of a world that no longer makes sense. Time, Time and more time. You didn't decide to have an affair overnight. Don't expect to fix its aftermath overnight.
And be honest about what you did. If it's safe to do so. Keeping secrets is going to come back to haunt you. Honesty is the best policy. Again if that's safe to do so. I didn't have definitive proof when I confronted my wife. But I had enough. She broke down and ratted herself and AP out about what they did. I suffered broken heart syndrome . Basically I had a mini heart attack. For a guy who was in pretty good shape at the time it was the first time my body failed me. So remember there are consequences to all of our actions. This simply isn't a forgiven and forget one.

No, my XWH (wayward ex-husband) couldn't keep his hands to himself and I wasn't going to live with how he was treating me. He wasn't doing the work to become a safe partner.