SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Rough morning. Background (or reminder): 4 years post Dday 2 and 12 years post Dday 1. Same affair just trickle truthed with no sex and then finally admitted sex 12 years later. Recovery has been going well but as all have experienced, it's bumpy. This is going to sound crazy but I guess we all have similar unique experiences. One of a few reasons I was given for the affair (to be clear she's never excused the behavior but has tried to explain it) was lack of emotional/intimate connection for a few years: young kids, I was traveling for work a lot, general craziness of all that led to some distance between us....I get it, not excusing it but can at least show some empathy for how we ended up where we are. For the 12 years in between Dday1 and 2 things improved greatly however I always knew that the story I was given during Dday 1 was not the truth, thus Dday 2 happening. Unfortunately the lack of truth for those 12 years, as I'm sure many of you who've dealt with the trickle truth phenomenon separated by years know, you basically have to go through 2 reconciliations. Anyways, this morning I get up to let our dogs out and grab coffee for the two of us and hustle upstairs so we can lay with each other. Our older dog doesn't come upstairs and my wife lays there with me stressing about the older dog wandering around downstairs wondering if it has to go out (mind you I let it out already). Rather than enjoying our quiet time together she gets up goes downstairs and deals with a dog that probably could have waited 30 mins...moment basically ruined at this point. Here comes the trigger: After hearing how I couldn't find the time for her during those years, she chooses a dog vs. me. I know it was probably an overreaction but I lost it. A carpet can be cleaned up but 30 mins of laying quietly with your husband who all he heard during the days after Dday 2 was that she felt like I didn't love her anymore, never found time for her, etc. I left for work pretty angry but did send a note explaining all of this. She did apologize and claims she understands how I feel but sometimes I feel like the waywards in recovery just say that so that the conflict goes away until the next time, especially with stuff like this that folks who aren't going through this, may think is silly ("You got upset because your wife let the dog out?"....sounds dumb on the surface). Did I overreact to something silly or is it right to let this stuff out when it boils to the surface?.......God this sucks. Angry morning=rotten start to workday and spiral begins...

Disappointment is the difference between expectations and experience. You were expecting a nice quiet 30 minutes with your wife and she wasn't in the mood (for whatever reason), which not only disappointed you but triggered an emotional response that triggered old, unresolved feelings about the past. Makes sense enough.

I'll usually say to let it all out whenever possible. Keeping this stuff buried within isn't good. So, tonight discuss it with her. Communication is always important.

Did you "overreact?" Hard to say. What is clear, however, is that there's something still unresolved here that's worth the effort to resolve.

@unhinged, Thanks for that feedback. Yeah what probably needs clarification is that mood wise she was fine I just think there's lack of sensitivity and this duality (not sure if I'm using that right) of "you not focusing on me is why this happened" (again, not blame but open discussion so I'm paraphrasing) and then in a situation where I am focusing she gets up worried about a dog. Probably just a trigger for me and not so much something conscious by her but I think she does need to be CONSCIOUS of my efforts to improve those areas and when they're brushed off no matter how minor it may seem to her, it can be incredibly painful for me...death by a thousand cuts is what these little situations turn into. I can 100% empathize with how this might seem minor and how it might be difficult to adjust the "sensitivity dial" on her side to account for this but the WS's put themselves in these situations and they can't have it both ways. That was kind of my point when I say, a dog pissing on the carpet can be fixed but our marriage needs serious attention or it won't be. Which one is more important? I think she got that after I left. Between this and the Coldplay BS, just been an off week.

You got upset because your wife let the dog out?

You're questioning whether you overreacted. In reality, you've discovered truth about your marriage and her "cheater's handbook" excuse. It was never about you being gone or lack of time with her or lack of emotional engagement. Pick whatever excuse you want.

That's why you're upset, because at a conscious or unconscious level, you know her reasons are all made up. You're available now, and are making her a priority. Why isn't she lapping it up if she had been so starved before? She cheated because she wanted to. Nobody drove her in that direction but herself. If you don’t know what cognitive dissonance is, you should look it up. Right now you're trying to keep your wife's excuses involving you squared with her own lack of emotional involvement now.

One of a few reasons I was given for the affair (to be clear she's never excused the behavior but has tried to explain it) was lack of emotional/intimate connection for a few years: young kids, I was traveling for work a lot, general craziness of all that led to some distance between us....

My wife game me a similar set of excuses.

"You didn't date me enough"
"I felt like you didn't love me"
"You didn't pursue me."
"You didn't open doors for me, and buy me flowers, and compliment me..." etc.

There were many more. Basically I wasn't acting like her affair partner.

When I push back on these accusations she always went to "you were partially responsible for our 'bad' marriage, which setup the conditions for an affair to happen."

My wife also didn't use those "reasons" as her excuse, or as a way to blame me for her affair - according to her. She kept saying she takes 100% responsibility.

The thing is, the very presence of those "reasons" is her way of blaming her bad choices on me, or else why bring them up?

Thankfully that behavior has drastically declined in the past couple of months.

It sounds like your wife is following down a similar path.

I agree with Vomitousmass, you are upset because deep down inside you know her reasons are BS, and she is holding you responsible for something you had literally no choice in.

I had a similar trigger a few weeks ago where my wife was in the middle of blaming me for something, again, and I just had to stop her right there. I got very upset, probably more upset than I should have. But it was because I was seeing something similar - improper blame for something I wasn't even involved in.

It's been 4 years since your dday 2, has she done no work at all?

You are angry with her because she prioritized the old dog and I guess that's okay, but you're basically saying you're angry because she had an affair and now she should just do/know what you want and always prioritize you over anyone and everything else?

That if she doesn't do that, prioritize you, you're going to be mad because of her affair. Even though you should both be deep into healing at this point.

How many years exactly will you be mad when she doesn't do what you want, and say it's because of the affair?

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh and maybe I'm misreading how you wrote this.

Nomudnolotus, that feels pretty harsh to me.

Bos, if you took everything else out of the equation, yes, getting that upset about her going to the dog rather than hanging out with you is an overreaction. But the reality is that there are lots of other things in the equation that bring things up for you. The dog incident by itself probably isn’t a big deal; what’s important is that it brought up a lot of real and unresolved fears and emotions and frustrations for you. I think it’s good to acknowledge that and work through them, and it’s not unreasonable to expect your wife to meet you where you are if you’re communicating what’s going on with you.

Triggers often have me asking myself, "Am I being too sensitive?" In your case I can be a lot more objective than in my own. The way I see this is that if there had been no affair, then you’d be overreacting by getting upset by her jumping out of bed to make sure the dog doesn’t relieve itself on the carpet. But getting the brush-off AFTER the affair, especially when you are implementing one of the corrective actions that she said she needed, well my brother, you are not being too sensitive. You are being normal. My wife has put her EA in the past and would like for us to act like it never happened. Is your wife doing the same? Maybe a conversation is due involving her comprehending that your relationship is not a clean slate, at least in your mind, no matter how much you both wish otherwise.

I find this situation somewhat unclear. Since you had already let the dog outside, there was no need for her to do it. Did you communicate to her that you already did it?
Also, I don't walk my dog in order to prevent her from peeing on the floor and making a mess for me to clean up. I do it because it's the proper way to care for her. I wouldn't neglect my dog and I wouldn't enjoy being asked to.

I agree with unhinged that there is something here to probably work through and I would focus more on that than anything.

I have experienced similar things from the ws side. Meaning, I have missed understanding there was a bid for affection or quality time because my brain train was just on a different track. I understand the ripple effect in my husband, but have been guilty of feeling my husband was over reacting in the moment. I have learned to see those times as opportunities as they typically have brought us to discuss things we would have ignored in our pre A marriage, and have contributed greatly to setting new visions for a more connected relationship.

I agree with the last poster there are some things here that are unclear. Did she know you hustled downstairs to have time together? Or to her did you just bring coffee to bed with no other context? Working with the dog for a few minutes and coming back upstairs with a clear mind may have allowed her to be more present.

I guess what I am saying is there has to be some balance between communicating intentions versus unexpressed expectations. We actually found we both did that at times and we have just learned to be more explicit with one another. Communication especially around bids for effecting and time can set a tone for sacred time. And good communication in general promotes emotional and physical intimacy.

I think it’s okay to react, but having communication surrounding it afterwards to ensure resentments on either side do not develop is important for moving forward. I also think it’s helped us to have rituals built into our routine that we both expect and anticipate time carved out for connection.

I also think that part of what is bugging you is that she is asking you to make her important, when in reality she has done the most damaging things that she needs to have front of mind that she is making you feel important.

Going forward - get up and put the critters out and leave them out till fun-time is over.

End of problem! (the issue of critters that is)

The rest of your concern is valid in that you want your relationship to be different that what she is currently providing. Yes? No?

Maybe communication can change and/or reset expectations? However, some people are (a manner of speaking) emotionally stunted or sort of just the way they have developed in life.

Read here many times of couples dealing with lack of emotional connection and awareness and "FOO" being contribution to situation
they are having.

People take time to change when their personality traits/behaviors are life-long-learned.

Does she need to unlearn something regarding your relationship?

Given you'll never forget her crapping on your marriage - are you still harboring a lack of forgiveness? Just thinking out loud for you.

I would say let it go and work on better communication and emotional connection.