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Been together 33years. 12 years ago found he had been messaging a young woman. She thought he was younger. Didn't know about the grey hair 3 teenage kids and partner. He swore it was a blip. Begged forgiveness. I trusted him and it took a long time to heal. He got less and less easy to live with. Drinking too much 4 nights a week. Walking on egg shells was my life. He was emotionally not supportive. Mum died after a hard few years decline 6 months ago. He left out of the blue on new years day. He said had found someone on line. Had a on off relationship on his terms. Just needed a simpler life and walked out. Is living with her. We do not know his address. He acts like all is fine now and is annoyed I will not let him in the family home. How long will I feel so low. I feel worthless.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you had to found us. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some that aren't pinned but have bull's eye icons that have a lot of good information. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a ton of resources.

The self-esteem takes a hit, but really you're the prize and he's a lying cheater. You're really the prize. I commend you for not letting him back in the house.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful. Plus, they can help you work on your self-esteem. Generally, it takes 2-5 years to heal, or longer. Healing isn't linear, so everybody's path is different. If you have trouble with sleeping or depression, ask your doctor for some meds. Is there any way that he could have been physical with somebody? If so, you should probably be tested for STDs/STIs.

Your WH (wayward husband) has a lot of work to do if he's going to be a safe partner. Frankly, from what you describe, it's doubtful that he'll do the work. He just wants to rug sweep and go back to normal. If nothing changes, then nothing changes.

Sorry for the death of your Mum.

Funnybunny

Welcome to this club nobody really wants to qualify for.
One thing that takes time to sink in but is possibly one of the few absolute truths in relationships and infidelity: They cheat because of issues in THEM – not because of US.
He didn’t cheat because you were lacking, but because HE had issues. Therefore his actions shouldn’t make you feel worthless because there is probably not a single thing you could have done to prevent this or a single thing you did to contribute to this happening.
HE had all the power to prevent this, demand change, make change... whatever. But he chose to go the path he went.

Doubts? Well... you probably know of some celebrity that seems to have it all – big house, beautiful family, sexy spouse, great lifestyle... then blows it all for the nanny or the bodyguard or the physical trainer... What do you think might have been "lacking" in their spouses?

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I want to make one ultra-realistic and down-to-earth suggestion:
With a 33 year relationship – be it a formal marriage, civil partnership or whatever – make 100% certain about your rights. Like the family home – could he have a claim to it in any way? Can you legally move his legal address off it? Pensions, savings, vehicles... be very clear on what is his and what is yours.
With his drinking and his past behavior you do NOT want to be called to the door one morning to face the bailiffs or repo-men due to his outstanding car lease or credit-card. Have this clarified ASAP.

I understand you feeling low and worthless. It comes with the entire thing once it's done to you.

But please understand that is from the shock, and he has the controlling hand as he has summoned that shock.

You are NOT low or worthless. His actions have put you in that cubicle. That doesn't mean it's where you live. And in no way does it define who you are or have been these years.

Cheaters make up all sorts of sordid excuses for their own behaviors and shortcomings - NOT YOURS. They love to distribute blame when cornered.

So you need to pull yourself together. Take it from me, I got the shock 30 years in too and I felt like you when it happened. All this time out I'm so sorry I wasted my time self flagellating.

He will either want to work on resolving what he did or he won't.

Pay attention to his actions, not is words.

What do you want?

I know all about how you feel.My wife did the same thing after being married for 24 years and together 37 years. I found all this out ,last week marked 2 years since D Day (just like the real D Day it is not a day of celebration)and I still struggle with all that’s happened since. I filed for divorce last spring and still mourn the life I thought I had and the way my life will be as I am 58 years old, and the future.This all sucks and nobody deserves to go through it,even my STBEW will say that I didn’t deserve what she did and the fact she walked out on our 16 year old daughter who is living with me is a real shame that I’ll never understand.

I am sorry you are suffering. Maybe this will
Help you.

He was a coward. Through and through.

He walked out to run from his troubles or issues. Not because you weren’t a good partner - but because HE KNEW he wasn’t a good partner.

It’s easier to just run and hide and live in a fantasy world than face your issues. Cue the excessive drinking as evidence of my point.

Cue he "became harder to live with" over time.

And lastly, the cheating. It’s easier to live w/ someone you can lie to. Who doesn’t know your demons. Who is helping you live a lie and remain avoidant.

As you can see, HE has issues. Please stop blaming yourself for HIS decision to cut and run. He took the cowardly way out.

I hope the OW is prepared. Because I suspect it could happen to her too.

I’m so very sorry. Betrayal and abandonment are absolutely brutal, and healing takes a long time. I’m glad you’re keeping him out of your space, and hopefully you are working toward a legal separation or divorce that protects you.

I recommend this book a lot, but try reading Steven Stosny’s Living and Loving after Betrayal. It will help turn the focus on you and your healing and a way forward. There’s no magic bullet for the pain, but you can make it through. You have worth and value. Invest in yourself and your values and your life beyond him.

Just figuring out how to reply. Blown away that you care enough to reply. I feel less alone now. Some good practical points too. I have refused him access to the family home. Gone no contact except for practical matters. Our kids over 18. He never would marry and house paid off. I need to buy him out. I want to detach from him. He has not acknowledged he did anything wrong. His family came to see him and he barely spoke about it. Deflected. He has not even shared his new address. Living in poor area with new woman. As he is nearly 60 and is living with her and no payout from the house he is essentially trapped with her living on her goodwill. Wonder how that will go in time. They do not know each other really as on off relationship and very limited face to face time. Maybe it is true love. Who knows

I need to buy him out

Friend – once again the pragmatic and realistic advice.
Get solid financial and legal advice on this issue. Like... whose names are on the deeds. What is the market-value. Are there other assets you might be entitled to?
For example: If you were the SAHM and didn’t contribute to your pension or savings for some years due to the MUTUAL decision to stay at home for the kids, you might be entitled to part of his pension. Probably in the form of a single pay-off, but that could possibly mean that in lieu of touching his pension, he settles for 40% of the house.
If you can – turn off all sentiments regarding the separation as far as the practical issues are concerned. This is purely a business contract with someone that is not going to be a repeat customer.

Plus the realistic view: As a single person, with grown-up kids who either are not living in the house or are moving out in the very near future. Do you NEED or even WANT this house? Would you be better off downsizing to something more manageable?