SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

13 months out from Dday, lots has happened between then and now, and I feel like I’ve really hit a wall.

Basically I feel nothing really and I don’t know how to pull myself out of this. WS is doing a lot of work on himself and making changes, though this has only been happening for the last 3 months or so. He put me through a lot of hell before he turned it all around.

In general we get along well and have good easy conversations. However, I struggle with intimacy, I think about the ONS all the time, and I struggle romantically a lot of the time, like most of the time.

I’ve tried reading self help books, I can’t concentrate. Tried watching videos/listening to podcasts, I switch off and stop paying attention. Can’t afford counselling for both of us. He’s currently in NA which seems to help with the addiction side of things but doesn’t address the infidelity. He doesn’t want to do IC but said he’d do MC. I don’t feel ready for MC. Ideally we both need IC which I feel like we could maybe work into our budget if we really tried but he doesn’t want to go.

I’m really struggling with being present in anything. Did a yoga video the other day and in a pose where I was sat with my eyes closed realised my mind had wandered and the video has moved on without me realising and was still sat there. When I talk to colleagues or friends, particularly on the phone, I find I haven’t been listening and don’t know what they’re talking about. I try to read novels which I usually love and have to reread paragraphs because I’ve not taken it in. Can’t watch a tv show because my wind wanders.

I put the most effort into being present with my kids and feel like there’s none of that left for anyone else, not even myself.

Any advice on how to knock myself out of whatever this is would be very much appreciated. I just feel like I’m not really here right now.

First ...be patient with yourself. Your brain experienced a serious trauma. I would like to refer you to Jake Porter. Look up his material on YouTube. He has a plan where you can access his webinars for like $30 a month and there are many good things that will help you.

I want to ask....do you have free reign to talk about EVERYTHING with your UH as MUCH AS YOU WANT? I wonder if by chance you have not had that opportunity or taken that approach since some counselors recommend against it. If this is the case ..I think your brain is stuck. You need to be reassured to basically reprogram your reality. And doing it as a couple will allow you to have a "common story".

This is where it will be tough for the UH...but that is part of his work and his amends and how he can help you heal.

It does get better with proper work together. Again, WS cannot ONLY do work on himself ..he needs to work on the realtionship too. It was a relationship betrayal and a relational injury. Hang in there. Check out the YouTube channel.🙏

Duplicate post.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 4:23 AM, Monday, March 17th]

Honor the wall. Look at what it's telling you and why it's telling you that.

In a sense, you're 3 months out, not 12. Maybe the 1st 9 months killed your M. It's said, and I believe , that the behavior after an A kills more Ms than an A does on its own.

The refusal to do IC concerns me. How else will he change from cheater to good partner? NA gives one sort of help. IC gives another type. Refusing IC smacks of wanting to hide something ... that bodes ill, IMO.

IOW, your stuckness mat be telling you something. Mt reco is: find our what your issues are and resolve them, even if it means D.

Thank you both for your replies.

WoodThrush - Honestly, no I don't feel like I have free rein to talk about all of it anymore. Well, I do in that he will tell me I can talk about it and he will listen, but the last couple of times I've tried, I don't like his reactions and I'm not very good with my emotions and tend to cry at the first sign of any emotion building so I try to avoid talking about it as much as possible if I'm honest, which I know is bad, but I just don't know how to talk about it and he doesn't know how to react to it in a way that's helpful to me. He has a bit of a deer in headlights look when I bring it up and says 'What have I done today that's made you mad/sad?' and that question brings out a rage so quickly! I've told him I hate that question. He always seems to think he must have done some thing that day that's made me think about it, as if I don't think about it all the time. Maybe MC would be good for that kind of thing? I don't really know.

Sisoon - I have said to my WS many times that the thing I find hardest to get over/understand/let go of, is his behaviour after the ONS. Obviously with the actual cheating I have mind movies and a million other things attached to it, but the stuff he did after hurts more and I can't wrap my head around it. If we didn't have kids, and I know you shouldn't stay for the kids, all of it would absolutely have been a deal breaker.

I think he avoids IC because he has a lot of childhood trauma that he doesn't want to touch. He hates taking about bad things that happened to him, if he ever does it sends him into a spiral, he just can't seem to handle it. Similar to how he reacts when I bring up his infidelity, but worse. I don't know a way around that really.

Torturedpoet I am really sorry you are dealing with all this. In my situation some days are harder than others, so just remember to take care of yourself and give yourself grace. Also just take one day or part of a day at a time. I hope you feel more like your old self soon. There are free videos about betrayal trauma on the Bloom website. I have found those to be helpful. Wishing you peace and calm 🕊️

I think he avoids IC because he has a lot of childhood trauma that he doesn't want to touch. He hates taking about bad things that happened to him, if he ever does it sends him into a spiral, he just can't seem to handle it. Similar to how he reacts when I bring up his infidelity, but worse. I don't know a way around that really.

Gently, he is the only one who can find a way around that.

My bet is that his infidelity stems from his avoidance and his reaction when he can't avoid. My guess is that you're stuck because you know deep inside you that he is not changing from betrayer to good partner, that he needs to deal with his own trauma in order to make that change, that he so far has shown he won't resolve his trauma, and finally, that therefore R is doomed.

Have you considered the simplified 180? It's at https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/598080/the-simplified-180/?ap=141, and I've asked for it to be 'awakened.' It's much more coherent that the base 180 document.

I think you'll be in for a very bumpy ride unless your H starts to heal from his trauma. I think your best bet is to somehow decide and communicate that you won't stick around unless he addresses his trauma in IC.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:33 PM, Monday, March 17th]

sisoon's advice above is very sound.

Any advice on how to knock myself out of whatever this is would be very much appreciated. I just feel like I’m not really here right now.

I was you not so long ago. The numb stage can last a long, long time, especially if you're staying for the kids and not getting what you need from your WS. It sounds to me like both are true. Feeling stuck means feeling powerless and not in control of your future. You need to find a way to take charge of your life again, and you probably need to separate for a while so that you can truly heal yourself. It's also a great way to shake your WS out of his shame, self-pity, and avoidance. My WS was very much the same way, and the only thing that ever snapped him out of it was separation. We did IHS (in house separation) for a while, but eventually I found a way to my own apartment with the kid being no wiser about our difficulties.

I think you're dissociating and unable to focus because you have so much repressed pain. Trying to maintain a semblance of "normal" in front of the kids with your WS is super hard and mentally exhausting. Ask me how I know! I suggest you find a way to afford IC for yourself and make a plan for your future that doesn't include your WS. It's really hard and absolutely terrifying (and tragic!), but I can almost guarantee that it will get you out of your current state of mind.

Torturedpoet....he does not understand what he did to you based on what you said. Please ask him to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. There really is much more going on. I believe you are still in the Betrayal Trauma phase. Have you read Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays? That will help you too.

Thanks again for the replies, I appreciate the wisdom and recommendations.
As I say, I am really struggling with reading and concentrating right now, I have a few books that have been recommended here that are half read, a few pages read or still untouched.
A friend of mine has been seeing a somatic therapist and highly recommended her so I think I'll try to book an appointment with her and see how that goes.

I think you're dissociating and unable to focus because you have so much repressed pain.

I think this is what's happening, I don't really know what to do with all of the feelings I have right now so I try to just lock them away.

My bet is that his infidelity stems from his avoidance and his reaction when he can't avoid.

I agree with this and have said as much to him. When he admitted his relapse and we discussed how to go forward, him getting IC was a non-negotiable term for him staying at my house. I did however say I would give him some time to settle into NA and get used to the other changes he'd made first, like cutting contact with life long friends, quitting his job, etc. But I think maybe now is the time to bring that all up again.

I got myself a little worked up because I thought he's not doing everything he should be and trying to avoid it but I think he is just taking his time so he doesn't get overwhelmed which is understandable but I'm just too alert to every tiny thing and see everything as a red flag I think.

For example, at NA, he'd not yet chosen a sponsor to start working on the steps with, so he's been going to meetings and sharing and listening, but I didn't realise you need a sponsor to meet/speak one on one with weekly to work through the actual steps of recovery. I really thought he was just trying to avoid doing that because he didn't want to start working on the steps and then I spiralled thinking he's not taking it seriously, it's going to happen again, I can't handle it again, and so on.

He came back from a meeting yesterday telling me has a sponsor. Obviously it's an important decision to choose your sponsor and he was just taking his time to observe and get to know people a little better to see who he thought would be best suited for him and who he would feel most comfortable discussing these things with.

I hadn't discussed any of my feelings about this with him, because I just don't like discussing my feelings lately, but I definitely worked myself up over nothing there, but for obvious reasons. I'm just a bit muddled. Hopefully IC will help me get my head screwed back on. I feel like I can't see anything for what it is, like everything is a warning/danger sign and I'm always on my toes. Even if I had discussed my concerns about him not getting a sponsor yet before I spiralled and he had explained to me why he was waiting, I think a big part of me might have assumed he was lying/making excuses.