The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:41 AM on Saturday, March 22nd, 2025
Glad to see the collective support has helped.
One other thing that I think many betrayed spouses need to understand is that (in most cases) the cheater didn’t cheat to hurt the betrayed spouse.
They cheated to boost their own ego, put their selfish needs first.
It’s just the BS ends up as collateral damage due to the affair. But I believe (in most cases) the cheater didn’t cheat as some sort of revenge against the BS.
If that’s the case, the AP was just a person who was willing to be a side piece and settle for what they could get. Most often, the cheaters do not plan to leave their marriage (except in my case my H did).
Hope this helps you.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
OnTheOtherSideOfHell ( member #82983) posted at 4:37 PM on Saturday, March 22nd, 2025
Maybe I was "lucky"🤪 as I never once felt second best. I immediately saw both my husband and her as humans of zero morals and pure trash. The fact that I was the last to know that my husband was so disgusting was what bothered me. Almost as if I was somewhat contaminated by the trash for living amongst it. He needed to pull himself from the dumpster to ever be welcomed in my world of decency again.
Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 5:32 PM on Saturday, March 22nd, 2025
It took time for me to get my self esteem back, when I went on my healing journey I took that attitude that the Tanner train is leaving the station, with or without my W. I also decided that at anytime she is free to leave, she is not trapped here the door is open, all I ask is she be honest with me. Thankfully she is still on board and has been solid for 5 years.
As far as 2 place, you never were in second place, the AP was, and he was willing to accept it. Your WW knew you would not accept anything but the number one position so she had to lie and sneak around. You are number one, and if she ever doubts that, she is free to leave.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 33 years
Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 7:58 PM on Saturday, March 22nd, 2025
I’m more or less with Tanner, though my process was a lot more convoluted and angsty. The biggest resource that helped me was buying Living and Loving after Betrayal by Stephen Stosny. It nudged me to take my focus off my husband’s view of me when it came to my healing and self esteem. I desperately wish I were the kind of person who could pull off Chaos’s badass sparkly unicorn self talk, but even though I fall short of that, I managed to come to a place of happiness with myself as a person, with my progress toward my goals, and with my commitment to my values. That helps me rest in tanner’s mindset that nothing is trapping my husband in this relationship. After 25+ years together he knows who I am, and if he’s not happy with that or with his life with me, he knows where the door is.
Once you build yourself up enough, it’s a lot easier to have a healthy, rather than insecure, approach to the question of why she is staying in the relationship. If you’re clear-sighted and confident and remain convinced you’re just a back up, or she’s staying for practical reasons or because it’s the path of least resistance, there’s nothing saying you can’t remove yourself as an option.
Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.
Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 4:08 AM on Monday, March 24th, 2025
HeadPhoneBear
One important example of a milestone is being invited to family gatherings (on her side). There are a number of birthdays and other events that will be happening in the next few months, and if I’m not invited, I will begin talking to a lawyer. The reason this is important to me is because my WW made a huge deal about me being absent from these types of things, and when I said I wanted to go, she told me I was no longer invited. So this has become essentially a canary in the coal mine for me, and I ow use it to gauge my wife’s ability to look forward and not hold resentment for me.
Rereading your thread this pm and realized I should read a bit slower sometimes - Missed that first go some time ago.
Not sure whether you are a 1 or a 2 or - but - big BUT - the above says you "don't count for much."
I would get all my finances arranged and documented and go see legal consul. Plan for a future that goes in a direction not with your spouse. That is, PREPARE yourself for something that may evolve.
Wondering why you accepted such treatment in the past??????????
If you can - read!
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex and Life
[This message edited by Hippo16 at 4:09 AM, Monday, March 24th]
There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery."For a person with integrity, there is no possibility of being unhappy enough in your marriage to have an affair, but not unhappy enough to ask for divorce."
HeadPhoneBear (original poster new member #85723) posted at 12:15 PM on Monday, March 24th, 2025
Hey Hippo, that's a quote from 4characters 
Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 2:40 PM on Monday, March 24th, 2025
HeadPhoneBear (original poster new member #85723) posted at 12:15 PM on Monday, March 24th, 2025
Hey Hippo, that's a quote from 4characters
YIKES!
obviously - reading SI while sober doesn't increase my reading skill!
the "reading" stuff still is a good thing for you to do (the two books)
The idea is teaching yourself or accepting that to get what you should in a marriage - you have to work on it.
Sometimes the "work" results in quite a bit of friction - so be it. Or, you resign yourself to forever being not #1
There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery."For a person with integrity, there is no possibility of being unhappy enough in your marriage to have an affair, but not unhappy enough to ask for divorce."
