SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The affair happened 13 years ago. I gave her another chance, and even though she hasn't had another affair, she's still been uncaring to me.

I finally started the process. That played out over in the General forum the last two months. If you want to you can catch up here:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/664931/did-i-make-the-right-choice/

Anyway, her lawyer is asking for 1800 / month for 10 years. My lawyer thinks that is absurd. This sucks. I should have left years ago.

My forgiving and patient nature is biting me in the ass right now.

As well as my stupid idealistic view on the marriage. I always chose to see what I thought could be and not what was.

Actually fighting off a little self hatred right now.

Hopefully your lawyer can help get that to a more reasonable number.

I completely get the kicking myself in the behind for not leaving earlier in the M. I put myself through years of misery hoping my M would get better, that my xWS would change, and of course my fear of breaking up the family. I wasted so many years and my mental and physical health took a great hit. Not to mention our kids saw a really crap M. Not something that ever should have been modeled to them. But it's better late than never and things get so much better after D. I am living my best life now in peace and my kids have adjusted to the new situation. Alls well that ends well.

My own lawyer is pushing hard for 0, based on the fact that she's spent 5 of the last 6 years in grad school (so there is no need for training to reenter the workforce), and also on the fact that she works full time and will be self sufficient.

She also attends a lot of conferences in her field as a presenter, and a little less than two years ago she actually won an award for best presentation. So she's already considered an expert in her field -- there is no rust to shake off here, she's not some stay-at-home-mom who gave up her career for the marriage.

I kind of wonder if she's just trying to inflict pain. A couple close friends of mine had the same reaction.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 8:12 PM, Thursday, March 6th]

I applaud you for taking steps to take care of yourself. False R is the absolute worst.
Your STBXW's lawyer certainly seems to be reaching. Do you still have children at home?

We do not have any kids.

Divorce is a negotiation process.

Your lawyer will help you get to an alimony $ amount you can live with and for less than 10 years.

Hang in there! You will survive this.

And I hope your future will be filled with happiness and peace. And may you find relationships in the future that are fulfilling and rewarding for you.

I’m glad you see your STBXW for the person she really is. I’m sorry I pointed out her cruel demeanor in the General forum section, but I feel like someone needed to help you open your eyes to who your STBXW really is.

One thing I would suggest you consider.

With no kids the two of you can divorce, and you have no more interaction with her other than you want after that.
This might sound cold after a long marriage, but this is actually very common. People don’t divorce because they get along so great. Divorced couples hopefully become amicable and even friendly if they have to coparent, but it’s not likely that you will drop off for a coffee or invite your ex to dinner or whatever once this is over.
So... look for ways to complete this process once and for all...

Your attorney will give you a realistic picture of what to expect. But consider this:

Let’s imagine solely for the sake of this example that she was entitled to 1000 per month for 10 years. Again – solely for this example.
That makes 1000 x 12 x 10 = 120000
Let’s also imagine you had a house valued at 300k and maybe a 50k mortgage.
In lieu of spousal support you could offer a one-off payment in the form of you getting less equity in the house.
You could even offer 80k as a one-off payment, arguing that it’s money-up-front, that she doesn’t have to factor taxes, devaluation due to inflation or that you go bankrupt, disappear or die.
That money could be paid in the form of part of your share of the house: 300 – 50 = 250 of assets, split in half = 125k each, minus the 80k in lieu of support = you have 45k in the house.
She wants the house – she pays the missing amount (45k) by forfeiting whatever right she might have to joint savings, pensions, 401k or whatever.

The goal is that you both basically get half of everything, except that it’s not half the house and half the cars and so on, but half the value.

Have to say that personally I would prefer writing a monthly check for 1000 for rent – something I could get out of by buying a new home in the next 10 years – rather than sending her a monthly reminder of the marriage.

If your lawyer objectively thinks their offer of 1800/mo is crazy, your W probably has told her lawyer she doesn’t want a divorce so make it look horrible in an Effort to change your mind.
It’s a stupid tactic from our perspective.

My lawyer's actual words to me were that the offer was "absurd given the facts of this case."

He said he would argue for 0, but said I should be prepared for something like 1000 / month for 5 to 7 years, on the high side.

He said her extensive and recent education, the money she makes, the fact that she is currently full time and never left the workforce, and that she will be self sufficient are all in my favor. For those that are curious, she makes 70k / year.

Per my lawyer the only argument she has is the length of the marriage, which is my own damn fault. (and for those who aren't familiar, the A was 13 years ago) I should have left then, I should have left then, I should have left then.

Any one from the JFO forum poking around in here, just divorce. You can always remarry if you choose R. Your forgiving and/or patient nature may be used against you in the future even if everything else is in your favor. It's stupid.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 5:17 AM, Saturday, March 8th]

Maybe you'll be able to switch equity in something else? $60k-$72k from the home so you don't have to pay alimony? Just spit ballin' ideas.