SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone. This is my first time posting, but I have been lurking in these forums ever since D-Day #1, finding so much comfort and reassurance in the experiences I have read about. So many of your own stories mirror my own. Anyway, on to the point.
After the first time I caught WH cheating, he swore it was a one-time thing and would never happen again. I never really believed him, and his side of the story never added up (I have the AP's side of the story, and believe her over him, tbh). Anyway, the cheating has not stopped, he has only gotten smarter about it. He uses escorts instead of finding women who can stumble upon his wife on Facebook. Anyway ... I decided at first to attempt R. I laid out boundaries, made my demands, and we did a short stint in couples counseling (it was a disaster). It wasn't until I sought individual counseling that my eyes have been opened and I see him in a whole new light. Nearly a year of intensive therapy and healing and soul-searching has led me to realize that it's time to end my marriage. I literally woke up one day at the beginning of 2025 with the realization that this will be my last year as his wife. I cannot describe the peace that washed over me in that moment.

Aside from being a cheater, I am fairly certain he is also a narcissist (like, clinically) and he is verbally and emotionally abusive. He is a combat veteran with severe PTSD and TBI and uses these things as excuses for his behaviors. After 17 years I have had enough. I am putting a plan into action to prepare myself for the separation and divorce. Because he's got narc tendencies and lashes out when he is 'hurt', I am expecting a battle. I am expecting him to make things difficult for me. Thus the reason for this post. I am hoping that those of you who have been through this before will be able to give me some tips on how to prepare to upend a life I spent nearly 20 years building. What should I be prepared for in advance? What steps can I take to assure the security of myself and my three children once it's time to leave? My hope is to be ready to either kick him out or move me and my kids out by the end of the year.

A little bit more about my situation. I am currently a student pursuing my Bachelor's degree and will graduate in the summer. I have not worked a full-time out-of-the-home since like 2008. I was a stay-at-home mother before going back to school, and also ran a small business that made me a decent amount of money. I put a pin in that business to go back to school, but I plan to resurrect it to start generating myself some income. I have a part time job on campus plus royalties I received from some books I wrote and published (that totals about $1800 a month). Anyway, that isn't enough to support me and my kids so I am already looking for jobs I will be qualified for once I have graduated in a few months. In the meantime, I am planning to save as much money as I can so that I can have first and last month's rent for a house rental and a down payment for a car (he pays for my current car and I expect him to snatch it back when I leave). We have three children (17, 13, and 11). I am willing to split custody though I know I will have them most of the time as he works long hours and also travels out of state weeks and months at a time. My credit is abysmal because there's never any extra money to keep my cards paid down or pay off debts because he is a compulsive spender. I plan to try to boost my credit score as much as possible by the end of the year so that I am in a better position to get a place and a car. Because he is former military and a disabled vet, I get certain benefits that I will certainly lose once we split, as we haven't been together long enough to entitle me to any of his retirement or benefits. I would have to hang in there until 20 years and I simply cannot and will not do that to myself. I have barely survived mentally as it is. I have been on military insurance my entire life and don't even know how to shop for healthcare. I've never had to pay for it and copays and prescriptions have always been cheap. My first job out of college may not have benefits, so I am at a loss as to what to do on that front.

Wow, this is a lot. Sorry it's so long but I wanted to make my situation as clear as possible. Any advice that anyone can offer will be appreciated. Thank you all.

Not that I have first-hand experience with this, but from my psych schoolwork and community service hours working with court-mandated social workers who counsel abusers, the first thing I thought of to help you was: look for a local women's advocate for "victims of domestic violence" as they ought to hear your story and provide you with resources in advance of you ever possibly needing them.

I know our area has one such program called Response, for situations of displaced families, etc. Family Promis is another one we have locally. Not sure if it's nation-wide. You will be wise to do what you are doing and bide your time to keep things cool until you "do the walk" for your mortarboard (Wheee!) And line up a legal aid source, as well. Leaving a Narcissist can be difficult, and with PTSD and TBI on top of that, I'm a little worried.

But you certainly sound like you are doing well emotionally, hang in there and keep smiling as they say.

You will be wise to do what you are doing and bide your time to keep things cool until you "do the walk"

This ^^^ especially when leaving a narcissist. Be prepared to be harassed, stalked, and made to feel like you are evil for leaving him. He will most likely try to love bomb in between the rants that's what my ex narc did.

It sounds like you have a well thought out plan. I would follow it until you are out and then communicate through a parenting app. I eventually went no contact as my kids got older.

I would keep the therapy while you are transitioning to your freedom. Mine was a lifesaver. Build a good support group of friends and family that will be there for you through trying times.

Make sure you find a great lawyer who will get you everything you deserve. They usually know how to deal with narcissists too.

I’m sorry you are Divorcing but I believe you have a great future ahead filled with peace.

First get at least one credit card in your name alone. Establish your own credit now. Cancel any and all joint credit card accounts if you can.

Get copies of EVERY financial document. Tax returns for last 5 years. Copies of retirement accounts. Copies of all recent bank statements and copies for every month going forward. Copies of life insurance policies and health insurance too.

Open your own bank account that he does not have access to.

See an attorney now for a consult. They can guide you in these early stages.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:44 PM, Wednesday, March 5th]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. I can't figure out how to quote people but I'll try to respond to everything so far below.

I will certainly look into advocacy groups and legal aid. I've already begun looking into divorce lawyers and hope to meet with one soon to discuss my next steps.

Continued therapy is definitely happening. In fact, I have an appointment tomorrow and plan to discuss all this with her. Honestly it was the therapy that got me to see what I was blind to, so I'm not in a hurry to give it up. I also have plenty of childhood issues that need addressing. haha! But seriously, I am in a much better emotional place than I was last year and the year before. D-day #1 was September 2022 and it's been a roller coaster since. But one thing is for certain, I have not felt this sort of peace the entire time. Not until I settled on divorce. That's how I know it's the right call.

With his mental health issues on top of the narcissism I am terrified. I know he will not physically hurt me, but I know he can make my life an emotional hell if he tries hard enough. So I have been watching videos and reading up on narcs and verbal abusers and priming myself for the inevitable. My hope is that by the time everything goes down I will be ready to face him and tackle whatever he throws at me. I know it won't be that simple but I'm already learning some interesting techniques on how to deal with a narc. One thing I know for sure, once he realizes I'm done crying over his BS, he will realize that it's for real and I am done.

I do already have a few credit cards in my name only. The limits don't amount to alot but they could be helpful so I'm starting to pay those down and will stick to 30% use and monthly pay-offs to build my credit and keep the card clear for emergencies. We have a joint bank account, but because of his spending and the way he would eat into the money I made from my business I opened an account for just myself years ago. I've already started rolling what I can into savings. Tax return info is easy. I do our taxes every year and all the records are stored on turbo tax. not sure how to go about looking into retirement accounts but I will figure that out.

Again, thanks everyone!