SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all,

its only been just over a month since my BH found out about my one night stand and emotional A, i thought to some extent we were making some progress (staying at the house for a week instead of two days, sleeping in the same bed again, some physical intimacy instead of none, one or two kisses and letting me stroke his leg etc instead of telling me to get off) but then today went horrible.

I went to see my mum last night, he has my location etc but then when he picked me up this morning he seemed to be completely different to how he was when he dropped me off, he started to insult me telling me he could do better and get a new girl today if he wanted, that i deserve to be alone and he will laugh at me for losing the best man in the world and it triggered me so i said 'well im sorry for hurting you but if thats what you want then do that' and it only spiraled from there.. i am really working on myself but i cant seem to grasp how to get through the insults and understand how were on a path to R when these moments/days hit.. he says were not together and thats what hes going to say if anyone asks cause im an embarassment but then on the other hand says he doesnt know still what he wants to do and that if i cant take a gamble then i can f off.. to which i tell him i am taking that risk because he is all i want. What im asking is how can i handle my emotions when he is really nasty and im truly scared ive lost the person i love? i cant help but cry and beg for chances but i know that it only esculates his anger and pushes him away..

[This message edited by dc1997112 at 8:45 AM, Tuesday, February 25th]

There is no stop sign so I'm going to jump in.

He shouldn't be saying nasty things but he's been through hell and needs to get some of this pain out of him. He feels discarded and rejected. He doesn't understand why you discarded him and rejected him. His belief in your value of him has been destroyed. As a betrayed husband loyal for 20 yrs I know how it feels to have your wife choose to have an emotional connection and sex outside of your marriage. He's in trauma and you put him there.

Put yourself in his shoes and imagine the amount of patience and grace he's offering you by giving you a 2nd chance. It's an immense amount even if he sometimes says nasty things. Non of us are born with a manual on how to deal with your wife screwing another person.

It's not fair but in essence in a not so healthy way he's saying....I feel like I deserved better than what you did to me and I'm extremely hurt. I'm worth more than what you did to me. Sometimes I feel so hurt I want to run off and find someone who will not hurt me like this. He's not wrong, he's suffering a great trauma and it feels like a massive injustice.

I think if you can grow an appreciation for his hurt and patience-it may help grow your patience during the turbulence. Telling him to run off and do that signals to him that your not bought in imo. As a betrayed I can imagine it makes him feel like he has to fight through all of this pain and rejection but you won't fight through an outburst.

Eventually he needs to find better ways to communicate his hurt. I think if you can listen and read between the lines it may help and may not be so hurtful.

I feel a need to start this post with the following statement: There is nothing that justifies or makes you decision to have an affair correct. No matter what your relationship was pre-affair, infidelity was and will never be the correct or even a good solution. No matter what, YOU need to recognize that and work on whatever issue made you decide to go down that path.
I also want to note we only have your posts... His experience on all this can be totally different.

These are excerpts from your first post:

BS and I have been together for 4 years,
an abortion that he wanted and i didnt, alot of yelling at eachother back and forth, trust issues with eachother when nothing was even there yet, finance issues and control issues and just overall what i thought was something so perfect turned into a mess and we both in a way resented eachother for it all and couldnt get past it in a healthy way.
my husband was sleeping on the couch for 4 months and i was a begging mess just wanting love from him, for him to come to bed and for all of this hate in our house to stop, still nothing worked and we felt so far apart.

From your second post:

it was over end of story, i got to my sisters and in the following 3 days he had called me 127 times to yell at me, ask me questions, make fun of me that i lost him and tell me it was over, if i hung up based on the names he was calling me, he would call back and keep going, calling me to tell me i didnt deserve him, he doesnt miss me etc

got yelled at by him and had sex (he said 'lets have sex while youre here, we may as well unless you want me to get bored here by myself') he then dropped me back at my sisters, he called a couple times after that to yell at me again,

he would also have moments in between of yelling at me and telling me its over

youre going to hate yourself in the future for how loyal ive been to you,

He still every week gets me to go to my sisters so he can have some space, normally when this happens i get texts while im there that are hinting towards not being together

'i could go get someone who wont hurt me' 'you shouldve thought about loving me before now youve fucked up our whole future together' 'you cheated me out of having at a lifelong relationship' 'its not the same, youre not mine anymore' things like this' 'youre for everybody not me' 'youd fuck anything that gives you attention' 'i can never trust you again' 'youre just a whore'.

From the above post:

he started to insult me telling me he could do better and get a new girl today if he wanted, that i deserve to be alone and he will laugh at me for losing the best man in the world

Let’s start with your first post and your description of a FOUR year relationship. You talk about those four years as if it’s normal to have extreme phases...

Frankly it doesn’t sound like a mutually respectful and fulfilling relationship. In fact, it sounds borderline ABUSIVE and IMHO not a long-term sustainable relationship.

Before the affair you two dealt with the decision to have an abortion – against your will. Let’s completely omit the moral decision of an abortion – you two based your decision on your views and morals and that’s fine by me. What I don’t see as positive is if a couple take such a serious decision without mutual consent.
Then it sounds like your normal form of interaction is shouting at each other.
Then you have four months of sleeping on the couch. You mention that you asked for changes and got the cold shoulder.

Now – I think that nearly all infidelity is about validation. From your own description that fits the bill. After months of abuse (possibly mutual) you seek validation outside the relationship. Once again – not justifying it, but possibly trying to understand why your relationship is where it is.

His anger becomes more... understandable... after d-day. We betrayed spouses can find more compassion with him after that. But we have the description on the status of your relationship pre-affair to go on too...
To me it sounds like an escalation of an already abusive pattern. Only now he can blast both barrels, belittling you as a whore and skank and making certain you realize he’s the best you can ever expect.

The reason – I’m guessing – he doesn’t change his pattern is because it’s giving him what he wants. Control, the moral high-ground and regular sex. This is a win-win situation for him.

I have experience and training in dealing with abusive people. As a rule they don’t intend or set off to have an abusive relationship, but it gradually develops slowly. He now has emotional control over you, physical control... he calls all the shots. I could probably find a picture-perfect description of his behavior on page 67 of the textbook I had on the course I took...

Friend
I would be willing to place money on this happening:
If you were to tell him that yes – he can do better and that you are setting him free from this relationship and if YOU were to end this relationship.
His initial reaction would be to scream what a whore you are, how glad he is and all that, before storming away.
If you could resist calling him then within 3 days he will be sending you messages about the dates he’s on, what a whore you are and how happy he is.
If you can resist replying then within 10 days he will be sending you messages about how he misses you and all that.
If you respond then within 20 days you will be back with him.
Do that, and within 25 days he will be shouting at you, demanding you leave and come back tomorrow for sex.

My suggestion:
Take a break. Reach a mutual agreement of no contact for maybe 14 days. During that time, seek guidance. Talk to a trauma specialist, an abuse specialist, your mom and sister. Try to see what is good in the relationship, and what isn’t. Understand what it is you so desperately want to save. Heck... if you want to be dependent on for feeding and occasional cuddles but totally ignored in-between... get a cat.

To summarize: What you are trying to save is not the relationship you think it is. Four years might sound long, but it’s probably 5% of the lifespan of an average female. Unfortunately it’s probably 15% of the lifespan of a domestically abused female...

Friend – and I start with that to emphasize that I do post with your best in mind.

You start a thread every question... You have four posts and four threads. Consider focusing on one or two threads, and responding to the answers people have taken their time to post. Don’t have to agree with us and can let us know we are far off base, even ask we don’t post anymore.
You can also limit your answers to WS only by selecting that option when you post.

I want to really emphasize one thing I bring up in my above post on this thread:

The relationship between you and your betrayed and very hurt partner has been abusive from BEFORE the affair. This is based solely on what YOU share.
He was insulting you and emotionally abusing you BEFORE you cheated.

Therefore I – a BETRAYED MAN – don’t really put the same emphasis or sense of understanding on his abusive and insulting behavior NOW. To me it’s simply an escalation from what he was offering, and it should make you question the whole relationship per se.

Having 4 threads leaves out important information on your situation.

Though a WS telling a triggering BS fine you want to replace me go ahead is not how to recover from an affair.

Time would be better spent asking how to handle your BS when they are triggering.

Also spending nights apart after d day is never a good idea. For the BS will have a difficult time controlling their paranoia when their WS is not next to them in their bed.

What im asking is how can i handle my emotions when he is really nasty and im truly scared ive lost the person i love? i cant help but cry and beg for chances but i know that it only esculates his anger and pushes him away..

I've responded to a few of your threads (those w/o a STOP sign as I am a BS). What this is reading like is you know you shot him full of holes and now want to control his bleeding.

Gently - you can't. You need to fully realize what you did and try to figure out why you did it. Acting like a teenager that got caught sneaking in after curfew while drunk is not going to help you.

And you crying to him while he's metaphorically bleeding out - that is rubbing salt in his gaping wound.

'well im sorry for hurting you but if thats what you want then do that'

to a BS this is the equivalent of "I know I hurt you but can you STFU about it so I don't feel so bad - kay?"

Right now you are getting in your own way and hurting him further in the process.

Just over a month since DD?

That’s nothing.

Patience.