SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you everyone who posted and supported me when I was struggling through the nightmare of discovering my WH's long term acting out with porn and prostitution.

I kicked him out of the house 3 days after dday. I immediately felt much better not living with his oppressive and controlling presence. It took me a while to process the shock and craziness of my marriage to someone it turned out I didn't even know. I am slowing coming to terms with the fact I was trauma bonded to STBXWH, but distance from him was all I needed to see clearly. I'm strong and recovering.

What really helped me was finding old pages from the I Can Relate forum, the Partners of SAs thread. I spent days reading about those women's journeys, back on pages 18, 19, and 20. Then there was a lot of traffic on the thread and the group was tight knit and very supportive of one another. So many incredible, smart, and honest ladies gave their pain, confusion, and experiences to one another, and by extension to me.

Anyway, reading the stories of those marriages over years of time was invaluable in helping me make a decision of stay or go. Thank you, SI. I would not have been in this better place as quickly without the insights from so many SI members.

Good Going Grey!! I was on the ICR SA spouses forum for years, until for some reason the traffic there slowed down (hopefully everybody moved on with their lives better than I have!! I bet I'm the sole surviving poster from that era that still posts regularly here. But howdy to all who maybe just read!)

I love how you were able to clear your head and make the realization you could free yourself of this sick relationship and know it from your head to your toes. Clarity is such a gift.

Just wanted to mention something critical and often overlooked that I learned about Divorcing a SA from my late sister's horrible D: her H and father of her children had given her an STD because at some point she told me she'd been informed by her doctors that she had gotten "a bad Pap." But she never followed up with the doctors! She got away from him shortly after being told that news, and had to start all over with a handicapped little child after decades of being a SAHM. She immediately fell on hard times for $$$ and never pursued ways to get medical treatment for the abnormal cervical cells, which I'm sure the doctors had at some point asked her to come back and do (at least get a free follow up test, right?) I think she was so traumatized by the sexual violation of what he had done to her that submitting to a Pap test was too much to think about. I can see that happening.

But sadly my sister at age 53 got a diagnosis of squamous cell carcinoma 3 years after her D, which is when she told me this. I was stunned, asked her why she had never thought to get that dealt with at the time. Her answer floored me: she said she had put his creepy self and the marriage behind her completely. I think she blocked out all ramifications of long term physical consequences to her and after all, nobody could have accurately predicted when or if her "bad pap" would develop into cancer. In her case, she died within 18 months of telling me this sad story! My Gynacologist thought that even though her identified "primary site" was near her breast/armpit and was considered very rare to be found there, because it was SCC it may have started as cervical, being the same kind of cells.

I can see where the desire to distance ourselves from their ICK can prevent us from doing whatever we need to do, so I felt I should mention this, really for all of us Betrayed Spouses.

I do miss the ladies on the ICR Spouses of SA forum. The discussions we had there helped me more than any other human resource through the coping and surreal phase. (I'm still in the untangling how-could-this-guy-have-gotten-so-close-to-me phase.) Maybe we never get answers to this puzzle, and maybe just as many people have it happen to them and NEVER FIND OUT? I wish I could help with those answers!

Bless you in your new life.

[This message edited by Superesse at 8:41 PM, Saturday, February 8th]

I was trauma bonded with XWH and I feel that's why it took me so long to get to the place to D. Dr. Ramani has a really good YouTube video about it. She said that it messes with your brain chemistry. When you can't think, you literally can't think because of how your brain has been short-circuited by the abuse.

Remember to continue to give yourself grace.

Isn't it great that you no longer have to walk on egg shells or do/not do something because of their tantrums or pouting if you did? Life is so much easier without my XWH in it.

Good luck!

Divorce filing done, hopefully only a month or two until it's final.

Thanks for the words of encouragement, Superesse and leafields. Superesse, I read so many of your posts on the ICR SA partners thread, and I'm sorry you didn't have a happier ending. Please know that your presence and posts on here have been a huge help with my decision to leave my SA.

I still feel kind of broken, but I'm getting better. My self-regulation tools are getting easier to use, and that helps. I'm still SO angry and PISSED off that he took so many years of my life away from me with his lies and lack of connection. I'm also sad and at times a bit lost.

My biggest hurdle is my anger with myself. Now I'm out of it, I can't believe the stuff I put up with and considered "normal" in the marriage. I was a victim of abuse, and admitting that and seeing it has been one of the hardest things in my life.

I am doing way better than I have any right to be, since my big Dday was only 7 months ago. I've had incredible support from my family, friends, and the women's group I meet with on SALifeline. One of my long-term friends (we've known each other since age 12) has been through betrayal and divorce years ago, and we recently uncovered a dormant connection that has definitely helped me to heal. Understanding what a real connection can look and feel like was eye-opening. I think it pissed me off more, because now I know what STBXH was purposefully withholding from me. And yes, in his disclosure he said he intentionally withheld closeness and loving intimacy from me.

I'm so grateful to be out of the dark time of my long dysfunctional marriage. I'm so grateful to have a true lover that I can trust. My journey is mine again, my one wild and precious life.

First of all wanted to send you strength as you get through this. You are almost to the finish line and it took a lot of bravery to get there.

My biggest hurdle is my anger with myself. Now I'm out of it, I can't believe the stuff I put up with and considered "normal" in the marriage. I was a victim of abuse, and admitting that and seeing it has been one of the hardest things in my life.

This is something I still deal with but it is getting better. It takes so much time to process everything and let go. We have to forgive ourselves as the trauma bond is a real thing and it took a lot to leave the abuse. That is no easy feat. My therapist told me out of all his patients dealing with some kind of abuse and wanting to leave I was the only one of his patients who left. To show how difficult it is. Give yourself a big hug for that.

gray and crazyblindsided, just WOW. I am PROUD of you both. And same here with struggling to process my anger at consistently having stopped short of cutting out this insanity from my life so I could grab a chance to (reluctantly) reboot my life yet again. Age, prior betrayal relationships, plus total family disintegration each served as backdrops to clinging to the wreckage of this marriage. So I see how vulnerable a painful history can make people to a kind of "sunk cost fallacy" approach to get through yet more betrayal. And then hanging on for indefinite time periods, only to see no change.

And thank you also gray for the message of how my ICR posts may have helped move that decision process for you. How ironic it is that I remain stuck 'somewhere down the hall towards the exits,' trying this never-ending detangling from the big mistake I made marrying this man!

You guys are each reminding me that separation is not supposed to be a permanent state. Bless you.

(P.S. Anyone with wise tips for a super-late-life reboot is welcome to share...I'll be 74 in 2 weeks!)

Hey, maybe we should start a sub-forum in NB? 🙂