SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Long story short I ended up filing for divorce and leaving for a few weeks to visit family after my wife's year and a half physical affair. She kept saying that she had stopped but then I would catch them again. A few weeks later, a month later, it always happened again. Finally I could not take the lack of reconciliation efforts at all aside from her asking for space anymore and I left. As soon as I left it was like she did a total 180. She messaged me a ton, agreed to everything I had previously asked, but in my mind it was just too late and I needed space, I blocked her and stayed at my families house. 3 weeks later after noticing her efforts for church and god and everything else I unblocked her and came back to grab some stuff. That was just a lie to myself, I desperately wanted to see her. As soon as I walked in she stood there crumbled, crying, looked like she had lost 20-30 pounds and she's already small, and I saw the old unguarded version of her for the first time in almost two years. I gave up all of my ideations and we talked for the first time for real. She finally disclosed the physical part of her affair and all of the details and for how long. Crushing, but the honesty was so refreshing that I accepted it. She finally got rid of his photos and gifts and stuff, she finally did everything. It was amazing. The heartbreaking part was that she said she thought I was gone for good and had been planning to move in with him and shopping for furniture and had been close with him the day before I came back, unbeknownst to me until after we had been close multiple times when I got back and disclosure happened, but I accepted it as I knew and this was the first real change that I had seen in her.

A few days later however she mentioned how she was thinking about him when we were together after calling him and telling him it was over and that we had been close (which I knew about the call fully and she told me), and it didn't matter to me, I knew it would take time, I was so impressed by the devotion to God and turning it all around with us. Well I ended up having to leave for a work trip a few days later, and after about a week she flew to see me, it was amazing! We had a great couple days and then on our 9th anniversary day I asked her if we were really doing this, if he was really gone. At this point she got all cagey and I saw the old monster of picked words and phrases come out and it really triggered me. Im saddened to say that I threw some of the things she told me in her face as reasons why I didn't trust that he was gone for good, especially if she couldn't affirm it verbally. It turned into a huge fight and she left the hotel. She did end up coming back that night and we somewhat made up and parted ways with I love you's the next day before her flight back. But now I am still here, and she is still home. She is saying I love you and being nice, but she is distant and I can tell she seems bothered if I text her a lot or call daily, so I've backed off and just respond if she contacts me, which is a fairly good amount anyways. I do know that I really hurt her by using what she had disclosed to me as ammo as to why I was so hurt and needed her to say and affirm certain things. But I also have that old feeling again that has never been wrong so far that they are talking again, if only here and there, I mean the man proposed to her while I was gone, but I'm honestly not sure if that's just My trauma rearing its head after this year.

I am here on work for another week or two, and then I go back. The divorce is still in progress and both of our lawyers are hounding us to come to a deal, as we have no kids and nothing crazy asset wise to split or fight over. My intention was to submit a 90 day delay or to cancel all together while she was here, but I just really don't know where she is at right now and during our fight she told me not to. It's like we went from all in, and glory to God, to tenuous ground again. Now it feels like she has what seems like hidden regret of blowing up her thing and she seems like she is kind of going through the motions with me. I am trying to give space and be really understanding, and she is getting very close to God still, which I really love, and she absolutely admits now that the affair was wrong and not ok and she wants to be a better person. I just don't know how I should act or what to expect when I get back. When I think of what happened with them and the months it was happening now that I for sure know it was happening my mind goes to a black dark angry place that I can never let show to anyone. I mean just pure blackness. Not directed at her, but just like a full system shut off until my mind puts it back into the box. I literally had what I guess was a panic attack during a meeting and had to sit there like nothing was wrong for like 10 min while my mind just sort of froze like it never has, it was terrifying and I've just pushed everything back into the box since then unless I'm alone and even then my mind literally won't let me think about it for more than a second without switching to anything else.

I desperately want to stay with her and make it work. Our marriage prior to this was amazing and supportive, and loving, and I think that this thing with the coworker (who is at a new job now thank god) was a frog in a slowly boiling pot type thing, she freely admits she never wanted anything with him until it just happened. I think that she desperately wants to stay and make it work as well, but she is also still in love with him and is trying to find a way to get past those feelings and be free. But she is weak, and I am weak, I couldn't even stay no contact, I can't seem to hold boundaries and I am desperate for affection from her. Does anyone have any tips? I was so excited by the MASSIVE progress after I came back but I feel like we are reverting, she for sure blames me for leaving and is bitter about it on some level, and I don't know what to do, or how to face my feelings about what has been done. I don't want to give up on her.

I’m sorry you are in this roller coaster and being emotionally drained by all of it. And I’m saddened by the fact that infidelity has impacted your marriage.

First, your wife’s actions don’t match her words. 🚩🚩

Second, she’s out furniture shopping with the affair partner? 🚩🚩🚩

Third, the moment you are not around she’s not being trustworthy. 🚩🚩

I think you have to ask yourself what is best for you? Do you want to stay married to someone you cannot trust?

You continue to suffer from serious emotional trauma and her behavior to date is the cause of it. You are reconciling yet she’s still thinking about her affair partner 😡😡! Not the honeymoon phase you expected.

There are some great books you and your wife should read. Go to the Healing Library here and look up some of the suggested books. One that comes to mind is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" and there are specific things the cheater should be doing to help you reconcile.

I hope this helps you to put yourself first. I’d suggest you might want to consider if spending your life living with a person you cannot trust and who is not putting you first but rather choosing their own selfish needs is going to be good for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:23 AM, Sunday, January 26th]

Some people should come with a Surgeon General’s sticker, Warning: Loving this person can be dangerous to your health.

Read "Women’s Infidelity: Living in Limbo" by Michele Langley.

You’ll see what you’re up against.

She’s either 100% in for reconciliation or she’s not. Frankly, continue with divorce and see if she’s willing to continue in R with the demotion to girlfriend. Let her show you that you and your relationship are worth working through an actual consequence of her behavior.

I am sorry for all you are going through. Today is my second anniversary of DDay, and although we eventually chose reconciliation, it took time for both of us to recover. For some WS, the affair is like a drug; they need time to detox and heal before it’s possible to even decide if reconciliation is a god idea.

For what it is worth, I found the videos Affair Recovery puts out on YouTube about limerance and affairs were critical to making sense of how someone I loved for 30 years could have had a 3 year affair that almost destroyed us. It has helped both of us understand how to recover, and the most critical truth is you have to recover first before you can decide if you want to reconcile or divorce.

Whatever you choose, the path to recovery is the one that matters. For me, that led both of us to reconciliation—eventually.

Confusion is ok.

Affairs are like wild fires; they burn away all the surface and you look at the person you loved and see them naked and vulnerable, live with that ambeiguity for a while. See where it takes you.

What you're seeing is a mirage. You're hoping that you are looking at the woman you thought you married; what you're seeing is the same packaging, but a very different person underneath. Frankly, the woman you married may never have existed. She is not safe. Continue with the divorce and get into therapy to help you manage the intense emotions you're going through right now. Could she eventually "get it?" Sure. But don't put your own mental health at risk waiting for it to happen.
And if I may. Fellow veteran here. There's no cheating that's worse than any other. But from a purely personal perspective, WS who cheat on their military BS while deployed are about as low as can be. I have no room in my heart for any spouse who cheats while their service member is in harms way. Hard to imagine how she could have justified this to herself.
Stay strong.

She is not in love with him, she is in active addiction of the dopamine/adrenaline the affair brought on.

I could not for the life of me figure out why I was so hooked on the ap. He was clearly a bad choice, and not someone I would have dated as a single person. The escapism of pretending I was this other being, him believing it, me not knowing him allowed me to project things into him that were not there.

Read the article on limerance in Wikipedia. There are some great articles by Dr.Frank Pittman that described each you the psychology involved that created this obsession in me.

I don’t think affairs often result in true love, but are escapism that people become dependent on. The cure is no contact, and the longer that is maintained the more she will see this.

It doesn’t mean she will, it doesn’t mean you should wait. You need to focus on yourself and protecting yourself from further damage. I hope she is in therapy.

The divorce is still in progress and both of our lawyers are hounding us to come to a deal, as we have no kids and nothing crazy asset wise to split or fight over. My intention was to submit a 90 day delay or to cancel all together while she was here, but I just really don't know where she is at right now and during our fight she told me not to.

Oof. She's not right about much, but she is right about that. If she's telling you not to stop D proceedings, there's your sign. I'll bet ten bucks she never really ceased contact with the AP. You could be in for a rude awakening when you return home.

I am trying to give space and be really understanding

I think you should stop trying to be so understanding of your wife's repeated betrayals and feelings for another man and work to be more understanding and respectful of your body's natural response to betrayal, which could be quite detrimental to your mental health and your career if you continue to squash it. Do yourself a solid and get out of this maddening cycle, and find an IC to help you process.

She is not in love with him, she is in active addiction of the dopamine/adrenaline the affair brought on.

I know she's not, but she sure thinks she is. Even though he's older, has a bunch of kids, borderline alcoholic, terrible life, got kicked out of his house recently by his spouse who is leaving him. She thinks he is literally a perfect angel that has been abused by his spouse and she has been under his near total control. It's literally scary and blows my mind. The things she has done for him are not only beyond anything she ever did for me, they are literally dangerous to her personal and professional life. I understand its all Limerance but dang how do you even come back from that.

I know what you are saying.

Right now she is not at all safe, thinking clearly, etc. I said what I did because you need to see that she is not mentally well and there is no quick fix for that.

The no contact is the cure but it was months of that before I started making sense and started healing in earnest.

How are you doing now, Paltheon?