Really Really Really confused after finally getting full disclosure
Long story short I ended up filing for divorce and leaving for a few weeks to visit family after my wife's year and a half physical affair. She kept saying that she had stopped but then I would catch them again. A few weeks later, a month later, it always happened again. Finally I could not take the lack of reconciliation efforts at all aside from her asking for space anymore and I left. As soon as I left it was like she did a total 180. She messaged me a ton, agreed to everything I had previously asked, but in my mind it was just too late and I needed space, I blocked her and stayed at my families house. 3 weeks later after noticing her efforts for church and god and everything else I unblocked her and came back to grab some stuff. That was just a lie to myself, I desperately wanted to see her. As soon as I walked in she stood there crumbled, crying, looked like she had lost 20-30 pounds and she's already small, and I saw the old unguarded version of her for the first time in almost two years. I gave up all of my ideations and we talked for the first time for real. She finally disclosed the physical part of her affair and all of the details and for how long. Crushing, but the honesty was so refreshing that I accepted it. She finally got rid of his photos and gifts and stuff, she finally did everything. It was amazing. The heartbreaking part was that she said she thought I was gone for good and had been planning to move in with him and shopping for furniture and had been close with him the day before I came back, unbeknownst to me until after we had been close multiple times when I got back and disclosure happened, but I accepted it as I knew and this was the first real change that I had seen in her.
A few days later however she mentioned how she was thinking about him when we were together after calling him and telling him it was over and that we had been close (which I knew about the call fully and she told me), and it didn't matter to me, I knew it would take time, I was so impressed by the devotion to God and turning it all around with us. Well I ended up having to leave for a work trip a few days later, and after about a week she flew to see me, it was amazing! We had a great couple days and then on our 9th anniversary day I asked her if we were really doing this, if he was really gone. At this point she got all cagey and I saw the old monster of picked words and phrases come out and it really triggered me. Im saddened to say that I threw some of the things she told me in her face as reasons why I didn't trust that he was gone for good, especially if she couldn't affirm it verbally. It turned into a huge fight and she left the hotel. She did end up coming back that night and we somewhat made up and parted ways with I love you's the next day before her flight back. But now I am still here, and she is still home. She is saying I love you and being nice, but she is distant and I can tell she seems bothered if I text her a lot or call daily, so I've backed off and just respond if she contacts me, which is a fairly good amount anyways. I do know that I really hurt her by using what she had disclosed to me as ammo as to why I was so hurt and needed her to say and affirm certain things. But I also have that old feeling again that has never been wrong so far that they are talking again, if only here and there, I mean the man proposed to her while I was gone, but I'm honestly not sure if that's just My trauma rearing its head after this year.
I am here on work for another week or two, and then I go back. The divorce is still in progress and both of our lawyers are hounding us to come to a deal, as we have no kids and nothing crazy asset wise to split or fight over. My intention was to submit a 90 day delay or to cancel all together while she was here, but I just really don't know where she is at right now and during our fight she told me not to. It's like we went from all in, and glory to God, to tenuous ground again. Now it feels like she has what seems like hidden regret of blowing up her thing and she seems like she is kind of going through the motions with me. I am trying to give space and be really understanding, and she is getting very close to God still, which I really love, and she absolutely admits now that the affair was wrong and not ok and she wants to be a better person. I just don't know how I should act or what to expect when I get back. When I think of what happened with them and the months it was happening now that I for sure know it was happening my mind goes to a black dark angry place that I can never let show to anyone. I mean just pure blackness. Not directed at her, but just like a full system shut off until my mind puts it back into the box. I literally had what I guess was a panic attack during a meeting and had to sit there like nothing was wrong for like 10 min while my mind just sort of froze like it never has, it was terrifying and I've just pushed everything back into the box since then unless I'm alone and even then my mind literally won't let me think about it for more than a second without switching to anything else.
I desperately want to stay with her and make it work. Our marriage prior to this was amazing and supportive, and loving, and I think that this thing with the coworker (who is at a new job now thank god) was a frog in a slowly boiling pot type thing, she freely admits she never wanted anything with him until it just happened. I think that she desperately wants to stay and make it work as well, but she is also still in love with him and is trying to find a way to get past those feelings and be free. But she is weak, and I am weak, I couldn't even stay no contact, I can't seem to hold boundaries and I am desperate for affection from her. Does anyone have any tips? I was so excited by the MASSIVE progress after I came back but I feel like we are reverting, she for sure blames me for leaving and is bitter about it on some level, and I don't know what to do, or how to face my feelings about what has been done. I don't want to give up on her.
11 comments posted: Monday, January 27th, 2025
Just filed contested divorce and I am freaking out.
Well, long story short I am a military officer, married to my wife almost 9 years now, together for 11, no kids. I deployed last July and got back in Dec to things feeling off, physical intimacy was more but everything else felt weird.
Long story short I found out in March that she had been having an affair when I caught them in his car together while I was supposed to be at work. She then swore no contact, it wasn’t serious, they only kissed once, and more lies which I believed because we never had any problems before ever. From then on I was playing pick me in every way possible, outings notes events dates.
I then discovered that they were still seeing eachother and eventually in June caught them at a hotel another night I was supposed to be at work. At this point I was raging as the same morning we were saying I love you and how we were working on us.
Many fights and me trying to kick her out and divorce her later she again swore no contact that it was finally over, and I gave her the requested space to get over it. Things weren’t good but weren’t bad, no going out or sneaking but also no connection with us at all besides friendliness.
Fast forward to August, I get off work early and see her phone at the store across the way, I drive over to say hi and I literally walk up to her in his car making out with him. They didn’t even see me, I watched for like 10-15 seconds before I walked up told the guy good luck and asked her if she would finally agree and leave me.
After initially saying she would go he then dumped her because he thought I was keeping her here and he was hurt (hilariously) And now she is being the absolute perfect wife in every way, and she almost got me too, until I found all of the gifts he had given her and she then refused to get rid of them.
After about two weeks of me saying that was my hard line and her saying no and asking for time and changing the subject and refusing a uncontested divorce or divorce of any kind I have now filed a contested divorce.
She doesn’t know yet and gets served next week. She thinks I dropped it and is being the absolute perfect wife and questions why I won’t touch or sleep in the same bed as her.
I am freaking out. She has had such a power over me so far and I am afraid I will lose resolve when she is served and manipulates me and throws herself at or threatens or guilt trips me somehow. How did any of you make it through this stage?
35 comments posted: Monday, November 25th, 2024
