SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I just wanted to let off some steam. All is going pretty well still with our R, but over the last two days, I have had the strong urge to find OW and pop her on the nose, whilst shouting out what she did with my WH through a megaphone.
I am not going to do this, of course, but I had kind of put her out of my mind (although not as effectively as she put me out of hers during the infidelity). I am a bit annoyed at myself that her unattractive spectre has raised its literally ugly head. I am bigger than this,or hoped I was!
Feeling a bit annoyed that she is having this head space at the moment.
If anyone has any kick-ass words linked to karma, I’d be grateful.

What do you know about her, and what is the thing that’s making you angriest about her right now?

I know that is she is married and didn’t want to leave her marriage but wanted some unprotected ‘fun’ with a married man (the mirror situation to my WH). I know that she is my physical polar opposite. I have seen pictures of her and I know that in my view she is totally unattractive, so I feel oddly demeaned that he risked everything for THAT (that is a catty remark, but hey: true). The main anger comes from the fact it was her who was getting his attention and effort whilst I was working my ass off to keep the family rolling and putting up with him being a horrible jackass. Oh, and he felt sorry for her because her husband wasn’t being very nice to her. Ironic. And she had cheated before in the same way.
That is the sum total of my knowledge.

That is the rant coming out!

Rant away! I get it! I think ranting, especially written down or typed out, can help clarify feelings.

Is her husband aware of her cheating? Like, was it actually cheating on her part, or do you know if they have a mutual polyamorous understanding of their relationship?

Thank you, Grieving.
No, her husband doesn’t know, which was why both parties chose to cheat with someone married: to try to protect their secret.
I do want to inform him, but I can’t definitely locate him. There are only vague possibilities on social media, and this was cheating arranged over the internet, so neither she nor he are in my locality.
Actually, I think the other big anger is the same old: how can adults who are apparently intelligent willingly hurt people they claim to still ‘love’.
Thanks again, Grieving.

If I were going to put time into finding her, it would be to tell her husband. I would think your husband could (and should) tell you who this person is. And by "unprotected" I’m guessing you mean they had unprotected sex?

You have every right to be angry at this woman’s actions. They flew in the face of some of the most foundational ethical norms. She’s a liar, a traitor, and behaved with complete, selfish disregard for other people’s physical and emotional well-being. And it sounds like she was a cavalier repeat offender who was adept at excusing her own behavior to herself and others.

In my view there is no harm at all in looking at that behavior and naming it for what it is. I don’t even think it’s ranting; it’s justified anger.

But I also don’t think you should contact her. It’s highly unlikely to have any positive effects, and it makes you vulnerable and gives her power and a glimpse into your life that she doesn’t deserve. I contacted my husband’s affair partner (she is someone I know), and I wish I hadn’t. She’s not particularly evil or crazy, and she even expressed remorse (I suspect mainly because she was afraid of word getting around), but she was too self absorbed to feel empathy, and she did not deserve that window in my life.

Leave it alone, or maybe contact her husband. But feel free to rant; I won’t judge. I’ve always been of the mind that I can fully hold my husband responsible, focus on my healing and our relationship, and still have the energy to feel some justified anger at his AP. What can I say; I’m an efficient multi-tasker.

It does go away eventually. At four+ years out I don’t care much about her anymore. I mean, I have a very low opinion of her, but she doesn’t occupy much brain space at this point.

Can you print out a picture of her?

Do you have a dartboard?

Trust me, it is therapeutic. 😜

I have found it to be to one’s advantage to keep calm and classy and let the law of cause and effect have its way lest I draw any of it my way.

"The main anger comes from the fact it was her who was getting his attention and effort whilst I was working my ass off to keep the family rolling and putting up with him being a horrible jackass"

This is the gist of what I have been dealing with once it all sunk in. It was a tough realization for me.
I still struggle with it at times.

A friend told me yesterday that we let the doors that slam shut be the wind that takes us to a better place. I hope you find that better place.

No OW is worth letting her take up any space in your head! You will always be better than this!

Thank you, all.
I know who she is. It took a long time for WH to tell me, as he weirdly felt dishonourable about breaking their ‘deal’. But he did tell me, and just knowing that gave me huge comfort.
I agree that she does not deserve head space; her actions have already robbed me of enough. And I actually appreciate the fact that I could go and shout stuff on a megaphone and will not: there is always that potential and I prefer to keep it that way: abstract.
Thanks again for bolstering me when I am in a low place.

Her husband needs to know the truth.

If you have a first and last name and current location. A PI could find her husbands contact info for probably a pretty small cost.

[This message edited by OhItsYou at 4:00 AM, Sunday, December 15th]