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Divorce/Separation :
For Those Who Tried R First

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 user4578 (original poster member #84572) posted at 11:03 AM on Friday, November 8th, 2024

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:06 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

posts: 177   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2024   ·   location: UK
id 8853289
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 11:25 AM on Friday, November 8th, 2024

When I realized he'd never be a safe partner.

It was about 18 months. Around a year, I could see he wasn't doing the work, but said his IC said MC would be ok.

In MC, he confessed to basically sexually assaulting somebody (his niece) and I knew he'd never be a safe partner.I

I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary. I've been so much happier and content are D than I have been in forever.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3960   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8853290
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:14 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2024

Nine years.

I wanted to believe.

When I realized he could never be; Then....Then I had decided to stay until the kids were out of the house.

Eventually, the lightbulb moment came of "that" was the example I was showing of a M to my children. They did not know what was going on and we never fought. BUT kids can pick up vibes, etc.

Final was the Dr Phil realization of a kid rather being from a broken home, then being raised in one.

I should have done it WAY sooner but we each have to do what is right for us.

posts: 6937   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8853296
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 user4578 (original poster member #84572) posted at 2:36 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2024

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:06 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

posts: 177   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2024   ·   location: UK
id 8853314
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dontlookbackinanger ( new member #82406) posted at 6:57 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2024

Not trying to thread-jack, but giving you my context to tell you you're not alone.

My Dday will be 3 years ago this coming December. I am one of those, "if not for the kids... (and finances)".

We're in R only in the sense that my (m 54) WW (f 49) of nearly 25 years pulled her head out of her limerence a** relatively quickly, has demonstrated genuine remorse (I believe that), shut it all down (NC, etc.), we engage in intimacy, she does little things to convince me she's "all-in" and I don't explode at her in anger anymore.

So she thinks we're "doing well".

However, she adamantly refuses to do real work on herself (any kind of counseling) and at times still demonstrates a kind of "tone-deafness" to the damage she's done. So for the kids and our financial situation, I have accepted what we are now. And for me I do love her, but I don't see it ever being the same as before without her doing the real work.

So I've just decided to accept this until my youngest is in college (3 more years). Then I'm 75%-80% sure I will pull the plug. I am holding onto the right to pull the plug sooner and that 20%-25% possibility that she could do what is needed to keep me in the relationship.

I know a lot of people will say it's a bad way to present a marriage to your kids, but you know what, everyone's situation is different. I've weighed-up the potential consequences of my kids live's being up-ended by having to sell our home (neither of use could afford it on our own) and all the other disruption a divorce would entail at this point in their lives against what they may take-away from my decision to stay in terms of a healthy relationship and I've decided to stay for now.

There are no 'best options' in these situations in my opinion, just 'least worst options'. And this is my least worst option for what it's worth.

[This message edited by dontlookbackinanger at 6:59 PM, Friday, November 8th]

posts: 45   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8853394
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 user4578 (original poster member #84572) posted at 8:00 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2024

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:06 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

posts: 177   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2024   ·   location: UK
id 8853411
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:12 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2024

R worked for us, so I didn't D, but I'll chime in anyway.

It takes some of us longer than others to make the D/R decision. You seem to say you spontaneously change direction. IMO, that's just a sign that you're not ready to decide.

The question is: what are you waiting for?

You describe a WS who doesn't seem to be a good candidate for R? Do I read you right? If I do, do you think your H will become a good candidate?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30499   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8853412
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 user4578 (original poster member #84572) posted at 8:33 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2024

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:06 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

posts: 177   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2024   ·   location: UK
id 8853415
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dontlookbackinanger ( new member #82406) posted at 2:32 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2024

Wow user4578- your situation is so similar to mine it's eerie.

When I busted my WW, in her complete f'd up hazy state, she explicitly said, "don't expect me to beg you to stay" coupled with the occasional, "you have every right to leave me, I would understand". Really?! Of course I have that f’ing right! When I told her I had talked to two divorce attorneys and a mediator, it was a REAL shock to her. I think the reality that I was willing to do that shook her out of her state. But then I didn’t follow through and she kind of settled back into her resistance to really do any work.

These things really strip people down to who they really are and yank the rose colored glasses off your face. You start looking back at your life together and that's when I realized, she’s NEVER made any of our major life decisions. It was always on me. So I recognized what she was doing was almost the stereotypical "exit affair/s". She was unhappy with her life and our relationship so rather than being honest with me and talking about it, she made some truly horrible decisions and I honestly believe she was thinking… "right, I f’d-up so much, he will certainly make the decision to end our marriage". I actually said to her on a couple occasions that sometimes I think she’s just waiting for me to make that decision and it would actually be a bit of a relief to her if/when I did.

Like yours, mine hates having to do any more 'work'. She feels she's done what is necessary so let's just move on (rug sweeping of course). Like you, I’m kind of getting worn down by the relationship and questioning what I’m waiting for, but then come back to what I said previously… I’ve made this decision (for better or worse) not to blow-up our kids’ life and our finances that would jeopardize our lifestyle. Just typing that sounds so dumb, but it is what it is right now, and I also don’t want to be seeing my kids 50% of the time.

And like you, some days are fine, I’m pre-occupied enough that thoughts of the whole thing don’t surface, but then they do and the anger and hurt start simmering just below the surface again. And I do believe I’d be a better, more present parent… and less angry, or at least not having to expend energy to keep that in check.

Mine is also complex it seems, or more complex than I knew. Just a few months ago in a rather heated conversation where I was pressing her on had she really done any self-reflection and how she could possibly have made these decisions (always trying to understand the "why?"), she broke-down and told me she had been molested and sexually abused as a young teen. I was just shocked into silence. And then I felt horrible. So it’s that weird feeling of guilt about things I’ve done/am doing.

She clearly had never dealt with the trauma and then so many pieces fell into place. Not that I’m letting her use it as an excuse, but it was the stereotypical unresolved trauma manifesting itself.

Still very mixed about it… how can you be with someone for 25 years and not trust them enough to share that with them. But in talking a bit more about it with her, it was clear, she viewed her trauma as HER trauma and burden to bear… she felt so let down by people close to her that she feels no one can be trusted to help her. I told her my view is that part of being in a marriage (or similar committed relationship) is that "your baggage" is "my baggage" too. We should be willing to help each other carry that stuff and deal with it. But it’s not how she thinks.
And finally, exactly like you, in the dark corner of my mind, there’s a perverted piece that hopes I catch her again or find-out she wasn’t 100% truthful (I’m sure she hasn’t been) so that I can say "f--- it! I tried". There would be a measure of relief on my side as well if I’m being honest.

Alright, this is nearly a thread jack, but again my point is that, the situation you find yourself in is not unique (sadly) so at least take a bit of comfort there are those of us here who completely understand and can empathize with you. It’s just a big s—t sandwich.

posts: 45   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8853491
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 user4578 (original poster member #84572) posted at 4:24 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2024

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:07 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

posts: 177   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2024   ·   location: UK
id 8853494
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:12 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2024

Isn’t it bizarre that their infidelity has caused so much trauma and yet here we are sometimes wishing they would do it again so we could say enough is enough, I’m done.

News flash - the above statement is a cop out.

No one ever needs cheating as a reason to end a relationship or marriage. Here’s my position: my H cheated on me twice. We’ve been happily R for 11 years from the last affair. But if I ever wake up one day and decide this marriage no longer works for me, I will end it.

Of course I would be sure to voice my feelings and give him an opportunity to address it. But if it cannot be fixed, then it cannot be fixed and it’s time to move on.

Why people choose to stay in unhappy marriages or situations makes me scratch my head. I understand fear and change blah blah blah are things they scare people.

But people deserve to be happy and if you feel you have done everything to make the situation work and it doesn’t, it’s time to change that dynamic.

You deserve better than to be "so-so" IMO.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14253   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8853500
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 user4578 (original poster member #84572) posted at 6:37 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2024

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:07 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

posts: 177   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2024   ·   location: UK
id 8853505
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 6:52 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2024

Deciding to stay is accepting the reality of the person you are in a relationship with vs who you think they are or want them to be.

Ask yourself this - do I want to be exactly where I am now (in terms of this relationship) in one month or 3 months or one year etc?

One of my regrets during the false R period after dday1 was giving my cheating H waaay too much credit for his abysmal behavior in "reconciling". In reality I was doing everything — he was doing almost nothing.

So if on one morning he says "good morning" I would be excited b/c "he’s trying". I would think there is "hope". In reality he could not have cared less and just said good morning out of habit.

If I dealt in reality I might have saved myself from months of anguish and further trauma. But HOPING someone is going to change or things will improve is probably one of the worst places to be.

IMO your line "he’s trying" is just another example of holding out hope instead of accepting reality.

Not trying to be harsh here - just trying to help you see things from another perspective.

Not a Dr Phil fan but one thing he always says is something to the effect of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is crazy or unrealistic or whatever word he used.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:55 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14253   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8853507
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dontlookbackinanger ( new member #82406) posted at 11:19 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2024

The 1st Wife… I’ve mostly lurked here, taking in the advice. And I think you’re spot on. I’m not going to deny you can see it as a cop out and/or excuse. But we’re all different and I’m glad what you did worked for you. All I’m trying to say is that what I am doing and what the OP is doing is not unique and there are no absolute ‘right ways’ and ‘wrong ways’ to approach this s—t storm.

My parents had a s—ty marriage and never should have stayed together for the nearly 60 years they did (he passed eventually). Did they present a bad example of a marriage? For sure! Do I know other couples who project bad marriages/relationships that don’t involve infidelity? Yup. But I am in no way trying to minimize the impact of infidelity.

The whole point is how I’m approaching this (and presumably then OP) is not unusual and we can acknowledge and empathize or not.

For me, there are many factors to weigh-up. I do feel humiliated by choosing to stay. I’m not ok with it, but it is what it is for me. I can deal with it and I will for now. Maybe that will change before my ‘deadline’, I don’t know. But I’ve been through enough s—t in my life, that I really don’t carry anymore what other people think of my decisions. I will do what I think is best for me and my kids.

posts: 45   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8853538
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