SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'll try to make a long story short...my divorce to a serial cheater has been final for just over 3 years now. I have a new, wonderful life and feel as though I'm pretty well healed and moved on. I have a new conundrum that I would be very grateful for new perspectives on! My ex and myself had been together for 20 years since we were teens so most of our friends were mutual friends. One mutual friend I had met through my ex as they went to highschool together. Around the same time that I discovered my ex's final affair and started the divorce process this mutual friend was also going through the same situation. This was 4 years ago. This friend and I became rather good friends and helped each other through our similar situations. Over time we realized that we had developed feelings for each other and stopped the whole thing as we were both going through divorce and just decided it wasn't right. Fast forward 4 years later and we have reconnected. He is wonderful and I intend to pursue a relationship with him. It is long distance now and we have plans to spend a weekend together in a few weeks. My ex and I are finally at a really good co-parenting place and I don't want to mess that up but there is no way I am passing up this chance at a good thing either. Am I awful for going after this? How and when should I break the news to my ex?

OK, I'll bite...

They say we tend to fall into "patterns" that lead us into the kind of relationships we are "familiar with." Whether that's been good for us, or disastrous for us.

Just my gut feeling: if you pursue this you will always have the legacy of your XWH hovering around in the background, and maybe that contamination is something you don't really mind? Like...unfinished business? Really, it's pretty common to want to "strike back" through having a New Beginning that the X finds out about.

I think I would want to delve way deeper into my "why do I want to pursue THIS particular man?"

You don’t owe an Ex an explanation.

Period.

It’s been years and you can choose to say "I’m keeping my private life private."

You don’t owe an Ex an explanation.

This

What are the ages of your children?

With this being long-distance, I would think you would have a lot of time to get a feel for this relationship before it got to the point of intermingling him with your children (ie and having to make the decision of telling your ex).

BUT with their being mutual friends, the chance of it getting back to him quickly is high even if you do not have this NG around your children yet.

Do you anticipate your ex being an azz about it ("I always suspected something there.....etc)?

Bottomline is your have to do what is right for YOU and your children. I think I would consider what will happen to that relationship with the NG if it doesn't work out. I.e., are you willing to risk losing him as a friend, etc?

Are you awful for this? No. You might be awful if you like sour cream (shit is nasty, wtf is it a thing?).

When do you owe your ex a headsup? When you get married again, maybe. Til then, the ex can fuck off.

Also, it's sounding a bit early with the new dude to be thinking on relationship shit. Go have fun with the dude and forget about expectations and commitment pressures. That'll come naturally, yeah? Plus, you've already done the whole 20 year marriage stuff... you in that much of a hurry to get back into it?

Notthevictim

On no! I like sour cream on my traditional tacos…

Millgirl

It always feels good when people who have healed (whether bs or ws) stop in and share. It gives me hope.

I personally would not date anyone in EXWH’s friend group because they were active participants in the cheating and coverup around it. But aside from someone being a cheater supporter (which you said this possible nb does not have a cheating positive mindset), I don’t judge dating someone in one’s wider circle.

That said, it’s been my experience that taking things very slowly love-wise is in my best interest. I spent a lot of time learning about relationships and healing both before I found out about EXWH’s dd2 and after.

Some people can do a weekend trip and keep a clear head. Some people can have sex on the first date and still be faithfully married 30 years later.

I do know one couple who caught their long term spouses cheating with their now spouses’ then spouses. I know it’s a bit confusing. The 2 couples had been friends for years. The 2 betrayed spouses got together and stayed together for years. I don’t think they did it out of spite or a rebound. They seemed happy with each other and to share a lot of values and interests in common.
Everyone pretty much remained friends with the bs and felt like they got the happiness they deserved. I do not know how their children felt about the situation so can’t comment on that.

No one can tell you what is right or wrong for you. I do wish you much happiness and joy and healthy future relationships.