SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know it’s awful and not fully reasonable or fair, but I feel jealous of those of you whose spouses confessed.

My H "confessed" but made it seem like a one time thing. Or not to be taken seriously. Ten days later he tells me he is D me. 😢

I did not know about SI at the time. I was operating on common sense BUT not making the right choices at that time (though I thought I was).

For the first three months I made all the mistakes - pick me dance, dragging him down the reconciliation path — meanwhile he’s still cheating.

After six months I finally wised up, put on the bitch boots and told him to get out and oh, BTW, I am Divorcing you.

So trust me when I say that just b/c the cheaters admit it, doesn’t mean they are telling the truth or are being noble. They are still lying cheating jerks.

PS I knew that one night when he came home 6 hours late and never responded to a call or text message that something was going on. That’s why I got up out of bed when he came home (which I never do) and confronted him in the kitchen. I knew. I just knew.

goingtomakeit

I am in love with her again. But she is not my soulmate anymore.

Hopefully, someone else sees their spouse as two people, and has somehow reconciled the two. How do I merge these two versions of my W?

The AP didn't stab you, your Partner did. I don't buy into AP's preying on Partners. A Partner who cheats possessed shitty morals that led them to cheat. AP's are just a tool for them.

This is a shitty road. I should not be here-ever. I should not know about SI.

Soulmate - just a way to say someone you know who shares a lot of your life's dreams. Implying that ALL of the dreams mesh.
Nah - "Pie in the Sky" thinking

I don’t think I can love her like I used to. She was my number one. Now, my sons are number one. My sister is number two, I am number 3, and she is number 4. I don’t think I can push her up, I’ve tried, but my sons and sister never betrayed me.

If you're going to stay - give all you have. Sort of like deciding to climb a mountain. You either do or don't - halfway ain't going to get you to your goal.
Well, suppose you physically can't. That is just your lot in life so figure out how to accept and move on.

Make here Numero Uno in your life and see what happens. If no reciprocation - you have your answer regarding what she thinks of you. The fly in the soup? - You have to accept she regards you (conscience or not) as 2nd best. Or?

If you don't or can't accept your situation, decide to work on fixing. You get IC (Cheating in a Nutshell should provide perspective) and get a copy of "The Body Keeps the Score" for you. For her - she needs to figure out what makes you #1 in her life and show it. By actions and words too.

You can't push a rock with a rope.

Unpleasant work to do . . .

and your handle? goingtomakeit - does that handle still apply? What do you WANT and what do you currently SEE and where do you want to be in the future? Try and map your work to do so that you are working on the path to that goal.

Life is hard

My stbxh travels for a living so I went to see him one weekend. He feel asleep and I went looking in his shower bag for dental floss. I found a secret phone instead, turned it on and found sex videos of the two of them and graphic pictures! I was devastated beyond belief as he had lead me to believe he was impotent for two years! He wasn’t!!

Hopping on very very late to chime in on this.

Recap: My husband had all the signs of an unfaithful spouse in 2018 and late 2017. All the classics: denied, how dare I, I was the problem,I was no fun, he was not happy.

He left in Aug-Dec 2018 and said he was depressed. Of course I asked a billion times about another person. How dare I! He was sad and needed space and time. But said we should divorce. Came home holidays 2018. Phew! Crisis averted.

In July 2020, I (for the first time ever. Guided by the spirits? Ready for the info according to the universe) I looked at his email. I went into his password book and found evidence of the affair in 2018. All the "rebuilding" all my grateful acceptance of the time he had spent away to "get his head straight."

This group can understand how my reality tilted. All the times I had asked in a kind and loving way. All the times I had presented calm pleas to please help me understand. The 20lbs I lost in 3 weeks (never do this) as I vomited and shook after he left with no warning that one random Saturday morning. Telling my accountant, my financial adviser and my adult kids (a remarriage for us both), because I believed we were likely to divorce (based on his direction).
All the months alone, scared and embarrassed. He was in Atlanta every chance he could. We lived no where near Atlanta. A 3 hour plane ride in fact. Reconnected with a woman he had dated years ago who was now widowed. He is a dead ringer (pun totally intended) for her dead husband. Like shocking. Girl had a type. I am not saying she bewitched him but come on, man! She knew he was married and I had no idea.

I confronted him. He trickle truthed and was belligerent, mean and childish. Why did I not kick him out that day? I was 2 years into my gratitude of his being home. It was the pandemic and we were preparing to move halfway across the country for his job. House was sold. Possessions in the POD. I did not have the bandwidth to make a big change. In the first 6 months, he ended up doing a polygraph, committed in a mature way to healing. Acknowldged his actions and Here we are 4 years later.

He is a much better version of himself. I am a permanently lesser version of myself. I do not sugar coat anything. We laugh more. It will never be the same. But I am here and I will never be as weak as I was. My clarity on my adult children being my absolute reason for living is clear. He is a distant second. He should be and he knows that. He lost the oodles and oodles of love, loyalty and generosity that comes with being my person. What we have is different.
It's working.

But I would give anything to have known, really known, what was happening. I don't know why the universe (and HE) did not let me learn the truth until 2 years after the fact. But that's the way it went. It was fun being a romantic. It was fun being carefree and feeling lucky. This is a sedate and mellow feeling.

I had no knowledge of SI. Yours truly made every mistake in the book. I would have loved an anonymous letter. Something to point me where he could not.
I will always be the letter writer if I have actual knowledge someone is being cheated on.

We had an argument and were barely talking over a few days. This is unusual as he cannot stand when we don’t talk. We started talking about stuff over text and his responses were off, acting as if he didn’t want to make up. I cannot explain to this day but I asked if there was someone else. He ignored it and went on about other stuff. I called him and demanded he answer the question. I was at work at the time and stepped away to call him. I never in a million years thought he would say yes. I didn’t have any actual evidence or reason to suspect it. He still left his phone where I could get it and I’ve always had his password. He didn’t spend any unaccounted time away from the home (everything happened at his workplace). I didn’t have any real reason to suspect that, yet something in me told me to ask anyway. Looking back, there were more signs that something was off with him and I kicked myself for not investigating sooner. I have learned since then that it’s not my job to make sure he’s a decent husband, it’s his. So basically in my gut, I knew something was off with WH.

WW confessed the first one. She had gone to him to ask him to run away with her, and he said "Nope, you're too old and I want my own kids". She came home in tears and confessed.

Second one...the usual story of sneaking around and giggling on her tablet and on her phone. I had just passed the pick-me-dance stage and was entering the rage stage from the first EA and decided I wasn't going to be anyone's fool anymore. I checked phone records and found AP2's number. I got into her facebook account and found all of their messages. I went to AP2's church where he was a counselor and chased him around the building until he locked himself in. He didn't call the cops because he didn't want it out he was trying to canoodle with the married ladies that were members.

I then went home and told WW about what had happened. AP2 quit his position a week later, and ran for the hills, going NC with everyone that I know that had contact with him previously. At that point, WW realized it was all over and confessed everything (well, more than everything, but that is another story).

Right now, I honestly don't remember clearly who all I told about it...sometimes I have memories of broadcasting the news, sometimes it feels like I just squashed it. I dunno...maybe PTSD.

I was on vacation camping alone. My husband was at home, and his affair partner was in another state.

I got an update overnight on my iPad. Somehow this crossed WH’s iPhone messages and emails onto my iPad. I still have no idea how this happened at all.

But I hear a text message come in on my iPad, and it’s WH wishing me a good morning. It’s kind of late (she’s two hours behind our time zone), but I think "how nice". Then another text comes in that says "thank you my love".

I’m like, WTH?

Then there are multiple texts back and forth with love and bullshit.

And I scroll up. Only to find the thread going back over three years, with nudes and sexts and all the rest.

So I type my own message back in to the two of them:

"I hate you both. You can have each other. And fuck you."

It was interesting to watch them try to figure out who I was, and then their panic.

Yeah. And then watch them try to say it wasn’t what I thought it was, and I just said, "scroll up, assholes."

After that, I stopped taking their calls.

My Dday 1 was a long time ago. 2015.This was back when you had a limited number of minutes on cell phones. I got a notice we were close to our limit. So I came down hard on the youngest kid who just got his phone a few months earlier. He denied using minutes, so I looked at our bill. It was the fWW. All calls to a google number. I confronted her, and she had a made up story about her former co-worker, a woman who lived in the same state as her former HS boyfriend. I did not follow up. But was suspicious, as she had planned a solo trip to that state to help her friend move. It was his number that his wife did not know about.

So, one night, I picked up her phone and checked messages. She had been careful, to not text, but to email with the former boyfriend on an email that she did not save on her phone. (she logged in every time to send messages). But, she had said too much to her former co-worker in those texts. I confronted her in the middle of the night. She admitted who it was, but not how far it had gone. I contacted his wife right away and torpedoed him. His wife went ballistic. He tried making contact again a few months later. I let him know if he did again, we would be discussing it in person. I think he was scared for the next few years that I would come to his state and do something. I knew him in HS and University, he knew I was not someone to cross.

In the process of discovery, which took forever, I learned of more APs and what she had done. I also learned how broken my fWW was. We got her help. I got some help too, this was traumatic, no matter how strong of a person I am.

What I learned is what I share with people who are getting engaged. If one of you is getting married for what you get out of the marriage, DON'T GET MARRIED. My fWW did not know what marriage was. She needed me to make her happy, and make her whole. I got married so I could give to a family, and hopefully get a partner. She always felt like giving was too high of a price and everything she was given was deserved. She was ungrateful and angry a lot. She was immature.

With a lot of help, and many eye opening experiences later, she is the partner I was looking for. She gives without counting and has learned to be grateful for all that life and our marriage has given her. There is finally balance. It all sucked, but we made the best of it.

[This message edited by woundedbear at 8:35 PM, Friday, October 25th]

We were traveling for work. He said he needed to go check on our house and get it ready for me to return home to in 2 weeks. I was at the park with my 5 year old son and just had a terrible feeling. I called him and everything seemed fine. He was just busy working on the house. I could not shake the bad feeling. I signed into his facebook messenger and see stuff sent to an old friend. Watch another day, and she tells him she climaxed 3 times. I message her from his facebook ( she thinks its him). He tells me his facebook got hacked 🤪.Still want more info so I message her from my facebook after he tells me he was hiring her for a massage for my bday. I tell her I know what my WS is getting me. She responds with ohhhh what is that? Caught right there, she doesnt know. I call him and he is still saying his account was hacked. During that time my father passed away. We get through that with no comfort from him. One day I snap and say I really dont believe his Facebook account was hacked, and found it weird he was messaging her. He says your right it is weird. Took days later for him to admit it, after I kept asking about it. He answered all questions but never did the work (2013) 3 attempts since then, but he was shot down. I do know for a fact. Still married but pretty much staying for our son. I dont trust him anymore. It is civil and sexual, but not the love of my life situation I created in my mind. I can live with that for now. He is gone for work 6 months out of the year.
PS she told him the next day it wasnt going to work out with them. She dumped him 🤣

[This message edited by heartbrokeninaz at 4:25 AM, Saturday, October 26th]

Everybody’s discovery story sounds pretty awful, as was mine. My Wife was out of state on a work trip, assigned by the job to share a hotel room with a mutual friend of ours from her work. After she called me to tell me that she had done dinner and all was well, I got a call from her travel roomie telling me that she had gone out with a lot of her coworkers and was dancing and grinding inappropriately on the dance floor with one of her close coworkers. I started calling her to point out that this was humiliating to both of us (we both knew most of her coworkers) and to talk sense into her, but she let all my calls go to voicemail (later claiming that she hadn’t had her phone with her). She was seen leaving the dance floor hand in hand with this guy and they drove back to the hotel, just the two of them. I heard all of this in near real time from state away, over the phone from that roomie of hers.

An agonizing way to be cheated on. I basically got a step by step telling and was left at home, envisioning the infidelity that she was committing right then, states away.