Friend
You have gotten a ton of advice that mainly suggest you run for the hills. That includes my previous post on your situation.
Just so you are clear on what your two other options might be...
The first one is the one possibly most betrayed spouses fall for: That’s where you think that if the WS stops seeing the OP for a while and things get into some routine then your relationship is saved and "safe".
Seldom – if ever – works.
Whatever made your wife want to seek out this OM, and do so for all these years, is still there. It’s subdued but the urge, the need, is still there. Chances are there will be a relapse of some form within the next 6-12 months are high. It might be a direct relapse – as in you discover she’s physically meeting him. It could be a semi-relapse – as in you discover she’s still sharing with her friends how she misses him and pines for him.
The second option – and this is actually a good option – is where the WS and you do the work needed to reconcile.
This is a couple of years of IC for both of you. This is MC for both of you. This is her discovering why she was OK with doing what she did, her realizing it was wrong and not acceptable, her shouldering the blame, shame, remorse... It’s you accepting that at BEST there might be some slivers to build from the last 14 years, that you at best shared your wife and so on. It’s MC where the two of you completely reestablish communications, how to trust, how to respond to issues and so on. These are hard, expensive years. A minimum of two, but with such a long-term affair and all her issues... I think 5 is closer to home.
The big problem with the second option is that it takes money and time, and that the outcome isn’t clear. If you two had young kids or this was a one-time, short-term, run-of-the-mill office/gym/tennis-club affair... there might be some compelling reasons to risk seeing what the outcome might be.
There is a rule—of-thumb that says it takes 2 years to reach a stage of some clarity after you start reconciling. That "clarity" might be that after 2 years you realize she won’t ever be your wife. It might be that after 2 years she realizes that OM matters more than you.
I have been blamed by a certain segment here on SI for being too pro reconciliation. That label doesn’t really impact me, because for that same group even suggesting reconciliation is possible is considered optimistic. I truly think a couple CAN reconcile from anything as long as both want to reconcile and do the work to reconcile. That includes you two...
However... I also think that there is no obligation for every couple to attempt reconciliation. In your instance... I frankly don’t really see the need, mainly because I don’t really see it happening in a realistic manner.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
