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Newest Member: M0771

Just Found Out :
Two weeks in . . .

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 hope71110 (original poster new member #85024) posted at 6:13 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

Well this is a post I never in my lifetime thought I would have to make. D-Day was June 25th for me, and I did not see it coming. My husband and I have had a rocky marriage. He has had a porn addiction the entire time, which was revealed to me approximately 13 years ago. We fought through that and the feeling of betrayal that came with that until roughly 7.5 years ago where his addiction to porn caused him to miss some big signs and he put himself in a place where he was raped. We both thought that was rock bottom and it would all done. He refused to go to counseling, continued to withdraw into himself, and stopped connecting. I had zero ability to pull him out of it, so roughly 3 years ago I gave up. I just decided he seemed to want to be roommates and nothing more, so I would just resign myself to the fact that was all I was getting, because the alternative of waiting in the "not yet" and longing for more was just becoming too painful. This was 16 years into our marriage.

Our marriage was rough, but got significantly rougher when I decided to return to the workforce and become a teacher in Spring 2023. I worked hard, he said he was proud of me, but we were still at odds. We had a HUGE fight in August, (I don't even remember what about) and he went on a work trip across the country. (Normal for him, he travels for work) for over a week. He ended up convincing himself on this trip that I was getting a job so I could leave him and beginning an emotional and physical affair with a coworker who very clearly sought him out.

I knew NOTHING and he had two more more trips out there. On the third trip, I saw way too many signs and told him I was convinced he was having an affair. I told him not to come home. He called me almost immediately, texted me the entire flight and basically told me he was mortified that his actions had convinced me that he was having an affair. I stupidly believed him, that he was just pretending to be a bachelor. Turns out he was ending it in December before I figured it out.

She was/is a little bit crazy. She invented a baby to attempt to have him stay. Offered to move across the country with him to be with him and still be close to our kids. She physically assaulted him and then threatened to call the police and tell them he beat her. She facetimed him and forced him to watch her abort the "baby" by taking a pill (I do not know if it was real or not, but as a woman who has been pregnant, I am highly doubtful that this was more than a ploy). She extorted him for money for medical expenses and when he had to return to the area in February, drunkenly walked down a hallway screaming that she wanted to have sex with him and then attempted to sexually assault him. So far she's left us alone and apparently was terrified that I would find out. He's not reciprocated any contact since May, and that was only to tell her to stop messaging him. She attempted contact in June and he did not respond. He's deleted all social media, all forms of messaging, blocked her on his phone BUT she works for the company and can contact through email. She has not, and he has friends at the company including his boss that are protecting him from having to ever deal with her.

We have three children, all girls. I am absolutely devastated to say the least, but still considering staying because despite all of this, he is the love of my life and the person who is before me is broken and trying to change for the first time in our entire marriage. He's reminded me repeatedly that this is not my fault, it is all on him. That he could never make this up to me. That my anger is so justified. That no matter what I say or do, including me threatening a revenge affair, nothing could hurt him as much as it hurts to know how much he hurt me.

I'm really just looking for solidarity I guess. Other viewpoints. Someone to talk to when I am pissed off and to remind me not to do something stupid. Just to know there are other people out there who have dealt with this and come out the other side. A place to come where I don't have to excuse my feelings to anyone. I guess.

Thank you for listening.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2024   ·   location: New Jersey
id 8841873
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:15 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

his addiction to porn caused him to miss some big signs and he put himself in a place where he was raped

How did watching porn put him in a position to be raped? Can you tell us about that? Did he file charges?

It sounds like he's been looking to cheat,or cheating, for a long time,prior to the affair that you know about.

Attempting reconciliation is hard. Him continuing to travel,for work, will make it extremely difficult to heal. He needs a new job.

What is he doing to become a safe partner?

Our field of dreams,engulfed in fire..and I'll still see it,till the day I die..

posts: 6762   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8841897
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 hope71110 (original poster new member #85024) posted at 10:38 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

In response to the porn: he is a VERY observant man. He also has some major back problems. He will often have professional massages to alleviate the pain. He went to a place that looked reputable and was not….and basically they would not allow him to leave without getting and paying for something more. It’s hard to explain but he came home saying he cheated on me, and when I heard his explanation, I was the one who informed him it was rape. I think he was so numb to what things looked like he missed the signs of what this parlor was.

Hes been very transparent. Hes been in counseling since December and only waited to tell me because I would have fallen apart and he didn’t want me to lose everything I’d worked for in my job (and he and his therapist decided on this). He spoke to me a day before he knew I had therapy to make sure I had support and has clearly done a LOT of work to be ready to support me.

He’s given me all access to phone, computer and anything I’ve asked. He’s patiently answered every question and continues to take emotional beatings from me without a peep. He will continue in counseling, is working on building a support group around him, and has told those at work that need to know to help him avoid her. He will be looking for another job (and was prior to me asking for it). Since we have three kids and he’s the primary earner, he cannot just quit or he would. He’s looking for a job without traveling, unfortunately the training he has lends to that. I can give details but this for him is a complete 180 from how he has ever been —- which is very self focused. I want to see it last longer than 2 weeks, but so far I am impressed.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2024   ·   location: New Jersey
id 8841903
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 11:16 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're joining us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, plus some with bull's eye icons that are very helpful. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and includes the list of acronyms we use.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages but is a good blueprint for him to follow.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful. Mine helped me work through so many emotions. We call it the emotional roller coaster - it can pick you up for a ride at any time.

If you have trouble with sleeping or depression, please see a doctor for meds. Also, you should both be tested for STDs/STIs if you already haven't been. There are some nasty diseases out there and can give you cancer.

Focus on self-care and your children. This is so tough, and we're here when you need to blow off steam.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3546   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8841906
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Tobster1911 ( new member #81191) posted at 3:23 AM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2024

I am so very sorry you are here. This is the most horrible painful thing I have ever gone through.
I am sure others will be able to offer a lot of thoughts but this stood out to me.

He went to a place that looked reputable and was not….and basically they would not allow him to leave without getting and paying for something more.

I find this very hard to believe. I suppose it is possible but it comes across more as justification after the fact. Buyer remorse as it were. I think I would require a full written disclosure of all acts of infidelity followed by a polygraph before believing this one. We all have painfully had to learn that typically what they tell us is not in fact the truth...

That said, it is possible to heal from this. It just takes a very long time and the unfaithful partner putting in extreme efforts to change. I am 2.5 yrs from DDay and still with my WW. We are in a much better place than I believed would be possible but even still it hammers me out of left field.

One thing he said that is true. It is not your fault. There were 1000s of choices made intentionally before he ever got naked with anyone else. That was super hard for me to get to a point where it sunk in. I didn't want to believe that they did it because they wanted to.....

BH(45), married 16yrs, DDay1 Feb 2022, DDay2 Apr 2022, 2EA + 4PA over 6+ yrs.

Glimmers of hope for change

posts: 34   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2022   ·   location: CO
id 8841922
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:25 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2024

I agree with the polygraph.

Massage parlors, like that, don't force people to have sex of any kind. That makes no sense. They would rather have just taken his money,and given the Massage. More likely,he had been a regular client, and the place was raided. He freaked out,because he knew his name,address, etc, was in their books. He told you a bit of the truth,in case the police showed up.

BS very rarely get the truth,in the beginning. And, when we accept that initial truth as the entire truth, and we don't dig into it to check to see if it's the entire truth, we never learn what actually happened.

The women at those places are often trafficked. They don't want to be sexual, they're being forced to. They would much rather have taken his money,and sent him out the door.

You said he's a very observant man. He knew you would tell him it was rape,if he told you what he did.

I'd do a polygraph. I'd also look into the past of that Massage parlor. I bet they were raided shortly before he told you what he did.

Also..you said his porn addiction caused him to miss big signs..and led him to this massage parlor. If he has a porn addiction, all the more reason to believe he knew exactly what that place was.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:28 PM, Tuesday, July 9th]

Our field of dreams,engulfed in fire..and I'll still see it,till the day I die..

posts: 6762   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8841945
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 7:57 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2024

Hi there, Hope.

I want to welcome you here and let you know that I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I am so glad you were able to find us, but I am so sad that you had the need to.

Most of us are just regular, every day people who have experienced trauma and have come here to share and seek insight from those who have gone through something similar. I joined in 2018 after my initial dday. After you have been a member here and in other infidelity-related forums, you start to see distinct patterns emerge. Its the craziest thing! Sometimes I feel clairvoyant, because I can predict what the wayward spouse is going to do or the motive behind a certain action with stunning accuracy. The thing is, I have no super natural powers, its just human behavior and it is so predictable.

I read this with my Just-Found-Out BW glasses, and I relate so hard. You have an image of your husband in your mind, you love this man (the image) and the life you have built together. You desperately want this never to have happened and you want to just hurry up and resume status quo. You want your old life and your old future that you have been planning and banking on for years.

I then re-read this again with my current Former BW glasses. I have been through multiple ddays, police visits to my house, divorce, child support bullshit, lies etc. There are several things that jump out at me that I can spot instantly now that would have gone straight over my head when I was freshly betrayed.

1. Massage parlor rape
Are you familiar with Occam's razor? Its the principle that the simplest explanation is the most likely one. When I hear that a man went to an massage parlor and got a forced happy ending, I think, that makes no sense at all. How did you come to learn about this rape? How did you go from "has a porn problem" to "in a massage parlor getting a happy ending from some evil pervert masseuse lady"? It feels like an extremely unlikely tenuous stretch and I think the amount of benefit of the doubt you would have to offer to continue to suspend your disbelief is unsustainable.

2. Ability to Accept BS Reasons
Your gut was screaming at you that he was cheating on that third trip when you confronted him. When you confronted him about it, he was able to spin some BS that you would somehow accept. How do you know he is not doing the same thing about the "rape"? Does it make more sense that the admitted cheater was raped or that he had just cheated and lied (something he has already demonstrated the capacity for)? We do this because we don't want to believe the truth. If we believe the truth than we have to feel bad feelings about the person we love and it might change our our very much wanted future.

3. Other Woman Was "Crazy" and pursued him
My XWH's OW was batshit insane too! And she pursued my XWH too! Yes, we all agree that OW are pond scum trash that aren't allowed to eat at our table. The fact remains that your husband invited this crazy lady into your life and put you at risk. Like a vampire, the crazies can't come in UNLESS YOU INVITE THEM. To this end, whether the lady was crazy or sane, does not matter. Whether she pursued him or not, does not matter. At the end of the day, your husband chose sex with the crazy lady over his wife and family's safety, stability and happiness.

The biggest thing I have learned going through betrayal, is that what you have here is not a husband with a cheating problem, but rather a husband with a character problem. The character problem is that he is able to give himself permission to prioritize his impulses over the safety, security and happiness of his wife and three daughters. This particular character flaw can present as cheating, but it pops up in other awful ways as well. My husband also had an alcohol and spending problem he hid/lied about. Now, I would be wrong if I say that all cheaters are unable to make the changes needed to become a safe partner. However, it is a herculean effort and I would say that the percentage of couples who reconcile successfully (operative word is successfully, just because you are still married doesn't mean you are reconciled) is extremely low. The reason that is, is that the very character flaw that allows them to cheat, also makes it extremely difficult for them to change.

Cheaters don't like to feel bad. They use cheating to self sooth or to boost their ego or as a coping mechanism. Addressing the ugly parts of you and your character flaws feels really really bad. It is also super hard as they have to work to change how they cope, think and act. They have to learn how to live authentically and this is simply awful to those who have gotten by on inauthenticity to date.


None of this is anything you want to hear because of course you want to hear that your husband is going to snap out of it and your family and the future you planned for will remain in tact. The problem is that your husband can't snap out of it, because this is who he is. He convinced you that he was someone else and you built a life with this imposter. Unless this man gets INTENSE therapy, you will continue to see instances where he priorities his impulses.

I will tell you, that if he is really doing the work, it will be obvious. If you are wondering at all, then he isn't changing. The changes will be extremely drastic and he will feel like a different person. I wish you the very best luck. You can be happy again, but it just might not be with your WH. Please continue to post but do not show this site to your husband. It can be tempting, because we validate you and you will want to show him. However, if he gets this site and can read your and our posts, he can use them to further manipulate.

<3

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 302   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8841998
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self-rescuer ( member #35059) posted at 8:51 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2024

Please read BigMamaJama’s excellent post again. Yes, it will be a painful read because it will challenge your personal narratives but it will offer you some perspectives that you must acknowledge.

You describe your husband as a victim in situation after situation. Actually, he is experiencing the consequences of his dreadful decisions.

He has made countless choices that have been counter to the loving interests of you and your daughters.

Please seek out a counselor who can help you get some clarity. You’ve been coping with this for years and some professional insight would be so helpful/healing.

How are you tending to the the emerging story of your life?
~ Carol Hegedus

posts: 922   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2012   ·   location: the south
id 8842026
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 hope71110 (original poster new member #85024) posted at 1:09 AM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2024

Thank you all for your honest feedback. I appreciate it! I did realize I wasn't terribly clear because I was with-holding details -- not entirely sure why. The incident that I referred to as a rape . . . he came home and told me he had been unfaithful. In going through the details, something didn't add up to me, and I have a background in psychology. So I consulted a counselor, asked a few pointed questions, and I informed him that he never consented. He would not accept that answer for a long while, but eventually, through counseling, realized it was indeed non-consensual which is almost impossible to explain without going into detail I don't care to relive. So there is nothing about that encounter that I question, and I have done the background digging on it.

On the other hand, I do 100% agree that it is a character problem, and he does as well. I've seen a 180 shift in him in the last two weeks, he is not the man I married or the father the kids are used to. It was a slow shift from January until now, but he absolutely did the work to be prepared for this. He is in intense counseling, and has admitted his character flaw. I've never seen him this broken, and he is absolutely devastated that he risked what he risked for zero gain. He did not tell me but I have since learned from him allowing me to ask his therapist, that has had suicidal ideation since January, but has not tried to do it.

Heaven knows I could be very wrong on all counts, and my gut could be off but here's my real talk on this one. I'm pretty sure I knew he was lying and chose to believe it because I had no out and was in the middle of a career change with three kids and thought I needed him. I have been in weekly therapy since I accused him in December, and I have upped that to twice a week. She is incredible and gives him ZERO quarter when I speak, so she will not let me do something stupid. It remains to be seen if he stays the course, but in these past two weeks I've seen a completely different person and I am hopeful. And again, I may eat my words, but I'd rather try than not try at all.

Thank you all for being so kind and accepting. I appreciate it more than you know.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2024   ·   location: New Jersey
id 8842053
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 3:48 PM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2024

Ok, the additional details add some color to your story. It sounds like you may have seen a drastic shift, and that is hopeful. But in the meantime, please continue to just watch his actions and completely disregard his words. If he really has started to make those critical changes to his core, then you will continue to see him develop into a safe partner. And he may backslide a bit but you will continue to see progress. It would be wise to just sit back and watch for a while. If it is just surface-level change, then he won't be able to sustain it for very long.

Also look for hints that his character has not changed in other behaviors. Like, lying, bad decision making, omissions, etc. Like I said, this character problem presents in different ways. So, even if he ostensibly stops cheating, if you see this behavior crop up in other capacities, then that is a giant red banner that he is not making the core changes that are critical to sustaining your relationship.

I hope with all my heart that you two will beat the odds and he will become the safe partner you deserve. However, it will take years of consistently good behavior and decisions before it is safe to trust again. Until then, your default setting should be distrust and he should have no problem proving himself until you reach that point. You and your girls deserve the absolute best and anything less than that at this point is causing harm.

Keep sharing your journey with us and keep side eyeing your husband for the indefinite future.

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 302   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8842092
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