Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
Separated and it isnt what I want

default

 Baxattack19 (original poster new member #84973) posted at 10:29 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

Hi, my husband left me at the end of April and our separation was made official on May 14th. He kept giving me hope that we could work on Things from April until May 14th and completely ripped the rug out from under me.he kept saying all these horrible things about me, like I treated him bad and made him feel bad about himself but I have never done those things, I was always just trying to get him to include me. At the beginning of June I went through his phone records on my account and through a joint account that I don't have a card to and found constant calls and text to the same number and looked it up and found out it was a female he works with. I also found 4 charges to hotels when he would ask me to spot him some money from our other joint account and when I had Covid at the beginning of the year. I have met with a lawyer and I'm drawing up the separation agreement that I don't even want but he is treating me like I don't exist and this is all my fault. I confronted him on father's day and told him I know all about the female from his work, the constant trips and charges in the area he lives and his phone records and he is denying it all. I don't want this separation or divorce but he seems to not care about my feelings at all and won't give me the time of day and is making up his own schedule when it comes to seeing and taking our daughter out of the home without telling me until the day he makes the decision. I don't know what to do or how to feel....I just want him to be mine and to give us a chance.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840568
default

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 11:50 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

Welcome to SI and so sorry that your WH (wayward husband) has been such a jerk. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms that we use. Is the AP (affair partner) married? If so, you should contact OBS (the other betrayed spouse). This isn't to hurt them or cause problems, but it gives the OBS the information they may need to make informed decisions for their life.

I hope that you've been to the doctor to get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there. If you're having trouble with depression, anxiety or sleeping, your doctor can give you some meds to help you through the start of your journey.

So sorry you're hurting. It sounds like he's done and there isn't much to work with. He's incredibly selfish and isn't thinking of you at this time. It hurts like hell.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful. They can help you walk through the emotions and effects of the trauma.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8840575
default

 Baxattack19 (original poster new member #84973) posted at 12:56 AM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

Yes, AP I'd married and I have tried to reach out but can't seem to find the right number. I have an appt scheduled with a doctor but they can't get me in until July 2nd. I have been in IC since Feb 28th because he made me feel like I was the one with the issue and I believed him and got help. I have also been medicated since the beginning of March and they upped my dose last week.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840589
default

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:34 AM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

he made me feel like I was the one with the issue

What a liar! Cheaters are lying liars who lie, and I'm so sorry that he did this to you.

I just want him to be mine and to give us a chance.

I get this, because it kinda was where I was back at the first dday. I wanted the kind, caring, loving guy I thought I married. That wasn't who my XWH was and the kind, caring guy didn't really exist. Even though that's who I wanted, I had to put the hopium pipe down and realize that wasn't going to happen.

making up his own schedule when it comes to seeing and taking our daughter out of the home without telling me until the day he makes the decision

Do you have a parenting plan in place? You may want to get one established so that visitation occurs at a cadence that is acceptable to you. There are parenting apps that are available that help you track conversations so you have a record of when he sees your DD (darling daughter)...and when he doesn't. My kids are adults, so I didn't need to use a parenting app but some of the SIers have found them very helpful.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8840604
default

 Baxattack19 (original poster new member #84973) posted at 2:44 PM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

I'm currently working with a lawyer and paying for all the documents to be set up for something I don't want which is seriously the hardest thing I've ever done but I have a good lawyer who has listened and is fighting for what I want for my daughter and I to continue having a good life.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840625
default

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:48 PM on Monday, June 24th, 2024

Glad you have a good lawyer. I'm so sorry your WS is treating you with such disdain, lack of empathy and emotional abuse. You do not deserve that. He is acting that way because he has an empathy chip missing, has a low emotional intelligence and the A driving his mood.

When there is no empathy or remorse there is nothing to work with or save. While I know it hurts terribly you are making the right decision with D. It takes some time to heal from this so make sure you are eating and drinking water. Seeing your therapist regularly and keep posting and reading here.

Infidelity alone is abusive and you have his disregard for you on top of it which is just awful. He is an awful person to do this and treat you this way. Also not a great father to put the mother of his child through this kind of emotional abuse/torture.

Hang in there the days are hard and often take two steps back and one forward but you will heal from this. Sending you hugs!

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:50 PM, Monday, June 24th]

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8840694
default

HopeToHealSoon ( new member #84876) posted at 3:35 PM on Monday, July 15th, 2024

Your story sounds similar to mine. I spent 3 months trying to get my STBXH to reconcile. All the while he was continuing to text/talk to his AP. He'd treated me like crap for the entire 9 months he was having the A. I am coming to realize that he probably checked out long ago, while I was sensing the disconnection and trying like hell to connect with him. It's a horrible feeling to have to be the one to file the D, even if you don't want it, but you have no other choice. I realize it is like trying to get away from an abuser, which is so outside of my realm of experience, that it's been incredibly traumatic.

Hang in there. I'm hoping to start moving past this and wish the same for you.

BW, 49 (kids 10, 13, 14) D-Day: April 10, 2024Separated: April 12, 2024Divorce Filed: July 11, 2024 (after STBXH couldn't do NC and continued to lie about A)

"I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become." — Carl Jung

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2024   ·   location: Central Texas
id 8842634
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20240712a 2002-2024 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy