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 Swann (original poster new member #84972) posted at 10:28 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

Hi I'm nervous. I see a lot of stuff about physical affairs but for me my husband is addicted to porn so I hope you guys support wives of porn addicts as well...

The addition started long before I was in the picture but he stopped when we were dating I knew it had happened when we got married but it wasn't supposed to be a problem anymore. It came back late in pregnancy with my first kid. He told me it had to do with how I looked. Postpartum he watched it and said it was because I couldn't have sex with him. He worked hard and became a much nicer person again (I feel like his personality changes when he watches a lot). Lots of apologies and it became bigger gaps in between and he told me it had stopped but that wasn't true. Not sure the exact date but pregnant with my second child I found out he hadn't stopped it had just gone from everyday to one or two times a month he was very apologetic and heartbroken and started being honest about it again. When I was in labor laboring at home he disappeared for a bit and when he came back I could see the guilt and he told he he had left to watch it. He was very kind and perfect the rest of the birth and postpartum he never blamed me for him watching it this time round and he was very sorry and he watched it less.

Baby number 2 has a sibling born less than a year from her and during the time of my pregnancy with baby number 3 he went 6 months sober watched it twice and then back to being sober. Baby is three months old I found out he has been looking it up on Spotify but apparently has only looked it up and felt guilty and stopped what he was doing.

At this point I'm furious because I told him I didn't mind if he struggled he just needed to be honest so that we could get to a point where he can be porn free this is something he agreed to we are both religious and in our religion porn is cheating so I feel like I'm being gracious.

A week ago he came to me crying and said he was so sorry he has been doing work on his own listening to podcasts and such and he said he realized how bad he had been and all the meanness and he was able to talk to me about my pain in a really real way he says he wants our marriage to be great and to earn back my trust after everything and he's sorry for it not being a huge deal to him before He wants to stop watching it for good but promises to tell me when he stumbles.

I just need a place where I can find encouragement and advice.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840567
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 Swann (original poster new member #84972) posted at 10:29 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

Ps.im sorry if this isn't where I'm supposed to post I really don't want to overshadow anyone else struggling

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840569
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 11:15 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. There are also some posts with bull's eye icons that we encourage newbies to read. The Healing Library is loaded with information and has the list of acronyms we use.

There are varying thoughts on porn use here, so you may see all kinds of differing advice. One of our sayings is to take what you need and leave the rest.

Is your WH (wayward husband) in IC (individual counseling)? If he thinks he's an addict, then he should be seeing a CSAT (certified sexual addiction therapist) and working a 12-step program. He needs to dig and find his whys.

You may benefit by seeing a CSAT therapist for betrayed wives (BWs) or with a betrayal trauma specialist. They should be able to help you navigate your thoughts, feelings and any associated trauma.

He may wish to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. There are threads in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum for partners of sex addicts and for those affected by emotionless infidelity.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3584   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8840571
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 Swann (original poster new member #84972) posted at 11:56 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

Thank you for that. He's not in counseling he believes that counseling is pointless and will just say to divorce I'm more open to the thought of therapy or counseling but I'm not in anything currently. This is the only support from anyone I've gotten really

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840576
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 Swann (original poster new member #84972) posted at 11:58 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

I'm very alone I found you guys online I just need someone to know and help

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840577
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Brittn ( new member #84766) posted at 12:39 AM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

My wife had an employer whose husband was porn addicted. He snuck out of bed nightly for porn, it was a nightly addiction. Your husband can access at will on his phone anywhere, anytime. The toilet, the car, where ever. I agree that it likely corrupts the way he looks at you and treats you. I doubt that he can kick this alone. I would try to maneuver him to therapy, try to get him in couples therapy. He'll be embarrassed to discuss it, I suspect.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8840582
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 Swann (original poster new member #84972) posted at 1:21 AM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

It does change the way he looks at me when he's watching it a lot it was hard and he would tell me he would go watch it if I didn't sleep with him and even though things get better with him lying again I'm scared he will go back to watching it every day.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840590
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 Swann (original poster new member #84972) posted at 1:27 AM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

As far as counseling goes he just says they would only tell us to divorce because of how he treated me and we can't go to any older wiser couples because it will change the way they feel about him.
He knows I'm on this site my goal is some encouragement and advice on how to heal myself things that help people and such. I feel so worthless I feel I am nothing. My friends all think that the only reason a husband would watch porn is if his wife were ugly or bad at sex or depriving him. He says though he is attracted to me and we have sex multiple times a week and he says it's good. I workout everyday and I'm in shape but I feel I must be hideous.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840591
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 Swann (original poster new member #84972) posted at 1:29 AM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

As far as counseling goes he just says they would only tell us to divorce because of how he treated me and we can't go to any older wiser couples because it will change the way they feel about him.
He knows I'm on this site my goal is some encouragement and advice on how to heal myself things that help people and such. I feel so worthless I feel I am nothing. My friends all think that the only reason a husband would watch porn is if his wife were ugly or bad at sex or depriving him. He says though he is attracted to me and we have sex multiple times a week and he says it's good. I workout everyday and I'm in shape but I feel I must be hideous.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840592
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:48 AM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

His comments about counseling are just him trying to dissuade you from that idea. He’s never done counseling so how on earth would he know what they would say? And we’re not suggesting marriage counseling. We’re suggesting individual counseling for him to understand why he’s using porn when he has explicitly said he won’t, knows that it hurts you. And from your earlier comments, Frowned upon by your religion

You might want to see an individual counselor as well to help you cope with all this. Please note that any form of cheating or addiction to porn is all about the person doing it, and not their partner. This has nothing to do with you, how beautiful you are how good your marriages, how nice you are or anything. This is 100% an issue with him.

Although some may not agree that it’s strictly infidelity, he is lying to you and he is hiding it and it’s hiding and lying. That’s the betrayal. So to me that’s cheating.


You you really need to spend some time and decide what you’re willing to put up with. If he’s just going to white knuckle it like he’s been doing all these years then it’s unlikely that he’s going to stop. So you have to decide what’s going to be acceptable for you as you raise your babies.

Stuff is very hard, and it really takes a toll. So take good care of yourself both physically and emotionally, see your doctor, and take care of your children. I know that you’re going to be OK. You will get through this.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6069   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8840595
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 Swann (original poster new member #84972) posted at 2:03 AM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

Thank you so much for that you are the first person to tell me that (well my husband has but he's also said it's my fault so it's hard to hear it from him). Thank you also for understanding the hurt of the lying and hiding I told him when we got married I understand that he might watch it every now and then but if he was honest I could be ok with that because we both believe it is wrong and a sin against your spouse to watch porn I want him to show I'm more important than that. He just keeps lying he says he loves me and doesn't want it but then he watches it and lies. It changes him he becomes mean he stops sleeping with me he will stop telling me I'm beautiful and not play with our kids as much. I just become a housemaid and childcare instead of a wife.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840598
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 Swann (original poster new member #84972) posted at 2:13 AM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

Also I don't know if anyone will find this relevant but to get to know me better I'll be turning 23 this year I got married at 18 he's my first kiss boyfriend everything I love him and I've only loved him ever I was a virgin when I married him and I feel like I'm very sensitive to things like porn because of how sheltered I am and my sisters were hurt by a person (not my husband) and that was part of his excuse that porn made him do it. While the stuff with my sisters has been delt with it was all going on at the same time as my husband and his addiction.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840599
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:23 AM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

If you would, would you Google Lundy Bancroft and Hiding Behind Sex Addiction? There are people who will say they're a sex addict when they're just being selfish and doing what they want to do.

You may also wish to Google Omar Minwalla podcasts. He works with people dealing with sexual addiction. He has some good information that you might want to listen to, especially about the secret sexual basement.

My guess is that your WH is resistant to going to treatment because he doesn't want to change and/or possibly shame.

His words to you are abusive and manipulative.

I feel so worthless I feel I am nothing.

YouTube has some I AM affirmation videos. I found one by Bob Parker that made me ugly cry the first week that I did them. Find one or two that resonate with you and do them every day. You are enough, you are brave (posting here takes courage), and you're stronger than you think you are.

My friends all think that the only reason a husband would watch porn is if his wife were ugly or bad at sex or depriving him.

Your friends are flat out wrong. If they had to live the way you have, they would know this. IF they've had to live with somebody who is emotionally and psychologically abusive (my XWH falls into this category), they would definitely know that this isn't true. Some people, like people with personality disorders, use porn rather than building/maintaining a relationship with their spouse.

And I'm going to say that when he's using porn, he objectifies you and uses you. BTDT, got the T-shirt.

Adam Levine cheated on his wife who is a Victoria's Secret underwear model. Jennifer Anniston, Halle Berry, Miley Cyrus, Shakira - all have been cheated on.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3584   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8840601
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:53 AM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

I feel terrible for you having to face this situation with no support.

He’s controlling you to his benefit. Not attending counseling is a big red flag here.

He’s making promises you know he cannot keep. He swears he’s not going to watch porn but then he does. He appears to be addicted to porn.

You realize that loving him is not enough to stop his addictive behavior.

You need to go and get counseling for yourself. You need someone to talk to that can support you. Find someone who is experienced in dealing with a porn addiction.

You have to put together a very hard drop dead date. If he continues to lie and watch porn beyond X date, you need to move on and get out of this situation.

You need and MUST put yourself first.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13978   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8840616
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 Swann (original poster new member #84972) posted at 12:57 PM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

It's hard without support for sure. You guys though are being especially kind since I know porn is not standardly considered cheating.

He keeps saying his is sorry and he has talked about very specific ways he's hurt me he talked a lot about how he sees my pain and he's sorry he hasn't always seen it he is asking for one last chance to make it right without telling anyone. For my safety he has a handwritten letter that details things he has said and done. The letter is for me to give to anyone I choose if he hides anything again. He's been different since the last time I found out about stuff he's been soft around me very loving. I just am scared it's not real

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840618
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 Swann (original poster new member #84972) posted at 1:13 PM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

Thank you everyone so much. The point about the models getting cheated on is especially helpful.
My family is Calvinist which is Christian but it focuses on sin and how everyone is terrible and only deserves hell a lot more.H and his family are just Christian. Both believe porn is cheating though cause Jesus says even looking at a woman with lust is adultery. During all of this I reached out to my dad because he does marriage counseling. He told me and I quote verbatim "well you only deserve hell so you don't deserve a husband who isn't addicted to porn." When I told my husband this he was deeply sad he says I deserve better he says when we got married he could see how my childhood affected me. I'm the type of person that does everything everyone else wants me to do so they will ignore me. I got spanked alot because my older siblings would tell mom and dad I did things I didn't because they wanted me in trouble. Dad said if they are lying then I have to act so good that he will believe me over them.
All that to say my husband feels he has taken advantage of that and it makes him very ashamed that he has added to that pain we got married very young partly because he wanted to get me out of all that and he is sad because he didn't protect me like he wanted to. He says he was supposed to make me feel safe and he failed and it's going to be different now.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840619
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:34 PM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

Is your father a certified marriage counselor or is this some title he got from his church or a title he gave himself?
That statement – the one about everyone going to hell and you deserving your abusive husband – makes me feel qualified to call myself a dentist simply because I flossed yesterday.

Both you and your husband need non-religious based help. As in a certified counselor, a certified marriage counselor (there are even those that base their foundation on Chrisitan theology, but don’t tell you that your past choices make your eternally damned...). I am fairly certain your husband needs help, and I do think you could do with a lot of help from outside. I suggest you contact a family-abuse hotline and see what they can offer, as well as look at Al Anon.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12484   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8840620
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Washashore ( member #55301) posted at 2:44 PM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

Baptist minister here, who went to Princeton Theological Seminary, a reformed (Calvinist) school. The way you were raised (from what you have said) wasn’t Calvinist. It was spiritually abusive, bullying, and controlling. I know, having lived through similar.. We skate around religion and politics here, because it so often is divisive. But you and your husband need to know that you are loved right now as you are. The scriptures resound with it. God loved you first. Because of this escape/repentance from sin is possible. You are loved and God thinks you are worthy of it.

As Bigger recommended, get some secular counseling. It will enlarge the echo chamber you were raised in and give you clear and less judgmental voices without the weight of generations of mandatory religious shame.

Thinking of both of you and hoping you can see each other and yourselves for the good and strong people you are, and not just those parts that are broken.

[This message edited by Washashore at 12:41 AM, Monday, June 24th]

posts: 90   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: Iowa
id 8840624
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 Swann (original poster new member #84972) posted at 7:56 PM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

Hi thank you guys so much I have found some stuff through seeking integrity which is for people who struggle with addictions and their spouses I think they will be able to hook us up with some stuff I'm graceful to have heard from some different people and know I'm not crazy to feel how I feel. Thanks for being gracious about the fact that my story is a bit different I've approached the support.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2024
id 8840651
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:56 AM on Monday, June 24th, 2024

Your H may have the best intentions. However without professional help I doubt he can overcome this. An addiction is very very hard to overcome. Certain events will be triggers and it can happen in an instant that he’s back to viewing porn, even though he knows he shouldn’t.

I’m not going to comment on your family because that’s just a sad way to live thinking you "deserve" to be unhappy. Just know you deserve better and being religious does not doom you to an unhappy life. If it did the word "rejoice" would not be in the Bible.

You need counseling for yourself. I cannot say it enough. It will / can help you tremendously. Please consider it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13978   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8840676
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