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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Reconciliation :
Can't Stop Thinking About AP


woundedbear ( member #52257) posted at 8:08 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

AdLarue17, It is not about her. It never was. Hellfire is right. Close that door or window, and nail it shut. Lock her out of your marriage. She should have never been there anyway. Don't waste time on competing with a ghost.

Me BS (57)FWW (57)DDay 3/10/2015 Married 34 years, together 38 2 kids, both grown

posts: 274   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8839282

HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 8:35 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

R works when both parties do their own work.

100%, I guess I’m just talking about who drives the car back out of the ditch while the engine is still smoking. 🤨

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3252   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8839289

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:02 AM on Wednesday, June 12th, 2024

For me it was an interesting experience living through and surviving his affair.

A bit of backstory to understand how I got to where I am. Dday2 was the worst if it all. At that point it was 6 months from dday1. I thought we were R when in reality he was still cheating unbeknownst to me.

He comes in the room to tell me the OW called. I very calmly tell him I need time to process this and he should leave the house as I need space. He comes home a few hours later and says (yet again) he wants a Divorce. I just crumble b/c he’s been back and forth between wanting a D and then taking it back and saying he doesn’t want a D.

I am a mess so I ask him to take the kids out to eat. I don’t want them to see me. They come home from dinner and he says he needs to talk to me. I decide to avoid that conversation and went out to a meeting at church. I come home later that evening and callled the OW!!! I learned in 2 minutes the affair never stopped.

I won’t bore you with the details but I tell my CH the next day I am D him. I’ve had enough and I have finally decided to put myself first and not him or our marriage. And I told him he was free to be with the OW.

Suddenly he’s no longer interested in her. They are "over". I told him to go move in with her. He refused. Said he’s not interested in her.

Sooooo it’s a long winded story but the point is all those months my H was convinced that the OW was the best thing EVER ended up with him seeing her true colors and not liking what he saw in the end.

So while she may have been 20 years younger he realized why she was single. She was a hot mess. What was once so appealing and attractive to him gave way to reality and his realization of what he was facing in his future if he stayed with her.

All that to say the AP is not better or funnier or anything more than an ego boost for the cheater. And once the shiny newness wears off, the cheater is left with a hot mess of a person.

Don’t waste your time obsessing over the AP. They are nothing special.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:05 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13971   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8839367

 AdLarue17 (original poster new member #84917) posted at 12:16 PM on Wednesday, June 12th, 2024

Thanks everyone for all this feedback. It does really help. I just want my brain back! I am an overthinker on a good day so this is like my brain on speed.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: Virginia
id 8839375

Fof9303 ( member #70433) posted at 1:03 AM on Thursday, June 13th, 2024

I am sorry you are here, but so happy that your husband is putting in the work to make your marriage strong. Ahhh, the old AP thoughts... Honestly, it just takes time. The further away from it you get the less time you spend thinking about her. I know this might sound weird, but I started praying for her. Like what?! lol. Yep, I prayed for this woman, this marriage destructor, to stop harming others and to realize what she had done... etc.. etc... It did give me peace. It was not easy, but when I went down that slippery slope, I began to pray. Give it a try.. might help :)

posts: 181   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2019
id 8839462

BoundaryBuilder ( member #78439) posted at 8:22 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2024

Dear AdLaure, what you're feeling is 100% normal, and only natural early post D-Day. Please take this to heart - the betrayal was NEVER about her. IMO, It never is about the AP! For my H, it was all about how the A fed his entitlement, how her fake flattery filled his self esteem tank. Basically - It wasn't HER that appealed, it was the ego stroking he was after. Took me a while to internalize this truth and BELIEVE it, but once I did, the intrusive thoughts about her began to fade away.

6 years out for me. She's a poor excuse for a human being but pfft (snapping fingers). That doesn't mean I FORGIVE. Or that I don't still feel contempt. Contempt is not as active an emotion as hatred, so that works for me. So glad I don't expend that level of energy on her anymore. I don't think about her much at all these days. Yes indeed, as others have said, the passage of TIME ----- and forgiveness for MYSELF (not her :-) helped to cool obsessive thoughts. Have you read "Honey they always affair down" thread in JFO forum? That thread is good for a boost and helped me to view those post D-day AP focused wild emotions as commonplace - not crazy :-). My story is on page 21.......if you want to take a look.

Things that helped evict her from living rent free in my brain- maybe they'll help you too -----

--In the early years I had a strict no peeking policy for her social media. Lately I look once a year or so. Just to remind myself she is NOT the temptress created in my mind.

-- I wrote a loooong letter to her. Polished that thing for weeks. Ceremonially burned it in the BBQ after sharing it with my husband. Felt fitting HE should read it. My pain would have been ego kibble for her so NO contact was the way to proceed - no social media posts, no confrontations or name calling. No contact from H and I was the ultimate diss. Dead air spoke louder than any confrontation. So keep up that NC! NC really is the best way to shut her out - and to move on in your marriage.

--Humor is also a great healer. Do you have friends or family to share your feelings with? I knew I was healing when I regained my sense of humor and got satisfaction out of mocking her with my support crew. The joking helped me to put her behavior in perspective. I kept friends in stitches creating nasty nicknames and hashtags that described her perfectly. BUT - Joking with H about AP never did sit right with me. Inviting him to roast her would take the heat off him - felt like him shifting blame onto her. So we never went there.

--And finally, have you shared the obsessive AP thoughts with your H? Avoiding tough topics because you don't want to "ruin" things does feel like rug sweeping. My husband absolutely knew about the burning white hot hatred I felt for her in the early days. My pain was not rug swept or minimized for his benefit. I let him see all that insecurity and ANGER. Helped my healing to be brutally honest, and him witnessing/recognizing ALL the myriad devastating emotional consequences of his selfish choices was important to rebuilding. Hope this helps AdLaure.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 6:12 AM, Friday, June 14th]

Married 34 years w/one adult daughter
HIM: 13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
D-Day=April 21, 2018

posts: 218   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8839549

 AdLarue17 (original poster new member #84917) posted at 4:28 PM on Friday, June 14th, 2024

I've been better at just bringing up what I'm thinking when I'm thinking about it. He has been very receptive to anything I want to talk about so that's helping. So thanks for all the support and advice. It helps so much to know that I am not the only one going through this crap. Although, I wish none of us were!

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: Virginia
id 8839720

annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:39 PM on Friday, June 14th, 2024

Hi, Ad, what you are experiencing is completely normal.

I obsessed over OW for way, way too long (years) although I knew logically she could have been anyone who stepped into my WH life when he was very vulnerable to an affair.

I also kept tabs on her fb page, and it was obvious that her husband cheated on her several years later bc she posted some things publicly for the world to see. rolleyes

As time goes by and you develop a new, solid normal, and your husband is consistent in his honestly and commitment to the marriage (years, not months) thoughts of her will fade.

Sorry you are going through this emotional roller coaster.

posts: 12178   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8839785

Trix123 ( new member #84713) posted at 5:33 PM on Wednesday, June 19th, 2024

I feel your pain! My WH also had an emotional affair with my best friend and neighbour (so yes I see her on dog walks frequently) and it’s brutal. He is very depressed and started to speak to her in secret as he had started to hate me and blame me for his depression and crossed the line in flirty text messages at Christmas. This was a woman who would see to me cry and I spoke to about the pain of my husband withdrawing from me and my boys, she would SEE first hand my children get upset at catching their mum crying, on a daily basis. I feel totally violated and broken. The shock at catching them gave me PTSD (not nice at all I can tell you)

People like this are utter filth. I know its hard but try and see that you and me would never do this to any broken human, never mind a ‘friend’. You are worth a 1000 of her. Im focusing now on me and getting stronger every day. Will my marriage be ok?.....who knows - he is doing everything he can but is still very ill and doesnt really see her as being in the wrong (his eyes she was being a good friend to him)

I hope too that it gets easier too - I’m
Sure it will

[This message edited by Trix123 at 6:16 PM, Wednesday, June 19th]

posts: 11   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2024   ·   location: England
id 8840129

joeboo ( member #31089) posted at 4:16 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

If I could offer one piece of advice to you it would be to keep working on healing you. It's good that you have a BH that is willing to speak with you about the A. If it helps, hold hands and tell him thank you when you are done with your talks so that he continues to welcome your inquiries and it might take the edge off the guilt you are feeling for asking. It's important to not rugsweep at this stage in your healing process so please lose any guilt you have about any activities that help you heal.

Once I was able to heal, I was able to stop comparing myself to APs. I have never forgot them but I do not dwell on them. One of them got kicked by a horse and he is ok now. I'm glad he didn't get hurt any worse than he did but I regret not being the horse, or being able to thank the horse. The APs no longer bother me. I like me better than them.

I hope that one day soon you find the peace you are looking for and the thought of the APs cause you no concern. I hope those APs don't get kicked by a horse, but maybe one day they will get a bad haircut or something not as tragic and you will get a good laugh.

Take care. Be kind to yourself and I hope you heal soon and find the peace you are looking to find.

posts: 1296   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2011
id 8840278

Fit43 ( new member #83966) posted at 5:20 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

This so difficult but you have to let go of control and do your best to heal and live by your core values. That doesn't mean making it easier or difficult for your husband. Cleaning up this mess is different than cleaning up any other mess you've had to clean up in your life. It's 💯 your husbands job to clean up the affair mess. If that means he's going to shut down when "you two" are having a good time then he's not accountable for doing his job. In reality if on the surface y'all aren't having a good time if your triggered and in pain, he's having a good time and your hurting.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Oct. 5th, 2023   ·   location: OK
id 8840282

Trix123 ( new member #84713) posted at 3:56 PM on Friday, July 12th, 2024

Same! Mine was one of my best friends and neighbour. I was left with PTSD after finding out. Its hell on earth. I dont know if Im strong enough now to keep going.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2024   ·   location: England
id 8842379
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