SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

About 2 months ago my husband blurted out that 12 years ago he had had sex with a colleague one drunken night when he lived in a compound, in another country. I had suspected that something had happened between them when I saw a message that she had sent him on his phone, but he had given me a lame excuse and swore that he had never and would never cheat on me. I really wanted to believe him so I chose to ignore my gut feeling that he had cheated. I did bring it up every once in a while throughout the years, but every time he denied that anything had ever happened. Until his guilt became so overwhelming that he could no longer keep this secret inside of him.
His words shattered me. I completely shut down those first few weeks. I stopped eating, sleeping, all I did was lie in my bed and cry. I am now able to function a little better, but I am so heartbroken that this man who was supposed to be my best friend, my soulmate, was able to hurt me this way, to betray me, and then lied to me for 12 years. We have been married 22 years, and more than half our life together feels like a lie.
I’ve made the choice to try and work on our relationship. We are going to couples therapy together. He is very sorry and takes full responsibility for his actions. He is willing to do anything to try and win my trust back. And I want to forgive him. I want our relationship to be saved. But I don’t know how. How do you forgive the unforgivable? How do I get over his betrayal and believe anything he says. All I want to do is protect my heart from any more pain and create distance between us.

It’s impossible… BUT DOABLE!!

This is a quote from Sean Connery in the movie "Entrapment". I love that movie, I live that quote but I HATE that the FB, my husband’s ex mistress, has it tattooed on her shoulder. 😖

I am very sorry you are here. I know you feel that 12 years of your married life were stained by that lie. You are right to be disappointed, angry and shocked.

Whatever you feel is your right but it will not erase that hurtful reality.

That event and his decision to keep it secret for such a long time is now part of the past and the past can hurt you only if you allow it to hurt.

I come from a country in Europe and I read some blogs on this sad topic. Many cheaters say that confessing an affair is stupid because it is in the past, it will badly hurt your spouse and if the cheater discloses it just because it is too hard a sense of guilt so they want to come clear, the pain they cause is not worth it.

I am just explaining how some people think. I completely disagree because despite the pain it creates, it gives the betrayed spouse the chance to make an informed decision "To stay or to go?" and maybe, if they decide to stay, to work to improve the relationship that should never be based on lies.

Unfortunately your husband has kept this secret but I wouldn’t see it only negatively, there might be two reasons:
1. He wanted to look better than he is, so he hid a big flaw.

2. He didn’t want to hurt you and somehow he wanted to protect you. He had not been able to protect you when he slept with that woman but at least he wanted to protect you from pain.

So why did he tell you now? It is evident that the lie was making its way into his soul and crushed it. He wants to be an honest person and show himself without a veil, "naked".

You will have to grieve, it will be hard, but you can do it, if you want. Keep us posted.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're joining us. At the top of the forum are some pinned posts that we encourage new members to read. There are also some with bull's eye icons that are good. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and includes a list of the acronyms that we use.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. We generally don't recommend MC (marriage counseling) at this stage because you're needing time to heal you. Your M didn't cheat, your WH (wayward husband) did. Unless you find a good MC, they will have a tendency to blame some things on you or go for the "unmet needs" fallacy. The decision to cheat is 100% on him. When you've had a chance to heal, then MC may be good to work on your relationship.

Your WH also needs IC for him to dig into his whys. Why did he cheat and why did he keep it a secret from you for so long? And more....

If you're having problems with depression or sleeping, then you may want to see your doctor for some meds. You may not need to be on them for a long time, but they can help get through this very tough first stage. It takes 2-5 years (at least) to heal from infidelity.

You don't have to forgive him right now. You can decide on that later. Also, even though the A was 12 years ago for him, it's only been 2 months for you.

It does get better, but it takes time and healing.

But I don’t know how. How do you forgive the unforgivable? How do I get over his betrayal and believe anything he says.

Usually, but not always, there is a lot more to the story than we are told on D-Day.

Is this forgivable? You don't really know yet.

Can you believe anything he says? Again, that is still to be determined.

It is not so much what he had told you, but what had been left unsaid.

Read here, read a book on affairs and recovery, and get counseling to help.

Like you, my FWS confessed years later, about someone I had confronted her about, 9 years before. The betrayal continues as long as the lying continues.

Thanks to everyone who responded. I have not been able to speak to anyone about this. I carry so much shame. Shame that I was so naive and trusting, shame that I ignored my instincts, and even shame for accepting to stay with him after the disrespect he showed me. I can’t speak of it to my family, they adore him and would be so disappointed. My friends would all tell me to leave him, and I’m not ready to hear that yet. I’m so thankful I came across SI, and I’m thankful for all the empathy and support.

Leila

6 months ago my husband blurted out that 42 years ago he had sex with a stranger from a bar. This was just after our one year anniversary (6 yrs together). I understand exactly what you are experiencing. News of the sex was devastating but the deceit and lying is what is the hardest for me to deal with. I never ever suspected. I casually asked him once years ago if he had ever cheated on me and he looked me in the eye and lied.

He festered with this secret. I'm glad because it meant he had a conscience, but unfortunately he didn't decide on confession and possible forgiveness. He chose to bury it. Work more. Drink more. Withdraw. Hate himself which made him a joy to live with. We were young. I put up with a lot. Never could understand his underlying unhappiness and discontentment.

He walked into the kitchen Dec 1st and blew me up.

I understand the chaos going on in your mind. Having to rethink everything. Wondering if any of it was true.

My H has done a complete turnaround. He is doing everything he can to heal me. I watch him carefully now and can see that he has changed. He doesn't anger easily, he is working on his relationships with his kids, he admits his weaknesses and his faults daily.
It's how he acts when he doesn't know I'm watching.

I hate what he did. I hate that he deceived me and lied to me. I hate the fact that most of my life now is second guessed in my mind. But I chose to forgive this damaged man. While the pain will never go away I feel that we finally are on to something good.

It's doable. It will take time.

Trumansworld,
Thank you for sharing. We share a very similar story. My WH is also very remorseful, and drowning in guilt. He is willing to do anything to see me heal from his betrayal. He has started counseling because he realizes how damaged he is. Your perspective on forgiveness is comforting, I think I will find myself rereading your words often to remind myself that there is hope. Thank you

I’m sorry for your situation. However YOU should never beat yourself up or blame yourself for trusting someone you were supposed to trust.

The Shame is on the cheater who broke your trust.

I'm sorry you are here. For many of us, myself included, the lies are the hardest to move through (I say through instead of "get over" as I don't think it is something you ever get over in the traditional sense). It is okay to be hurt - and honestly totally normal. I do not share the same type of story as you, but I was lied to for about 2.5 years on a regular basis, and one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with is how someone could do that, nevertheless someone who was supposed to "have my back" more than anyone else in this world.

It is tough, but it can be done. Your WS will have a lot to do with this process and you will likely have a rollercoaster of emotions for quite some time. I wish there was a way to get you through that horrible phase of wanting to stay, wanting to leave, feeing crappy about your self, etc. I will tell you this: eventually about a year after the first betrayal I learned of, I shared with a few trusted friends. I held it to myself for that year, living in pure misery alone AND putting on a very fake happy face as needed. For me it was soul crushing - it just added to the length of MY healing as opposed to the healing of my relationship with my WH) I find that these two healing timelines are NOT the same, which is why getting individual therapy and confiding in friends is often so helpful. As it turned out, my friends were initially angry with my WS, and some indeed told me to leave....but that has passed precisely because we are friend and they respect my decisions. In hindsight I think the fact that all of a sudden I didn't trust my friends enough to confide in them said more about my mental state than I imagined. I had to get to a place where I could trust my friends AND think about who I was really trying to protect by not telling anyone: me or my spouse and think about why with both.

What it came down to ultimately for me was that I had little interest in protecting my spouse to my own detriment. The misery - the loneliness (see my username for confirmation of how I felt - at the time I had not yet told anyone except one friend who was very supportive but lived far away and was very busy so we were not able to talk much) was too much for me. And, after awhile, I felt like I was complicit in his secret by keeping it to myself. I mean why was I feeling so miserable and having to fake feeling okay sometimes when I straight up did not yet I was making it so he didn't have to experience any of that? As it turned out. life goes on. My friends know and some of them are not happy with him - but they tolerate him on the occasions he is around - and that is their choice. Others have moved on completely and only care about my happiness. I do have one family member who has been the most judgmental - of him, not me - and that is her prerogative, especially as she knew my WH independent of me as she knew him before I did - and apparently they have talked when I was not around and came to some sort of truce (fine with me and I'm glad I they decided to do that out of my earshot).

I guess what I'm trying to say is keeping it all in a box - for me - was very hard and it took a very large emotional toll. Once I let go of protecting my WH from his own actions (and wondering why on Earth I was so concerned about that) I did feel a tiny bit better. And now while I'm glad it's not a secret, it doesn't impact anything of any real consequence as far as my relationships go. And even if it did, I'd rather live in honesty - you - like me - have NOTHING to be embarrassed or feel ashamed about. Nothing.

I agree that you should never feel ashamed for trusting the person who used that trust to his advantage. It was EVIL to use that trust that badly and he is the ONLY ONE who should feel SHAME, not you!

He chose appalling behaviour knowing how badly it would hurt you.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 1:38 PM, Friday, June 14th]

But I don’t know how. How do you forgive the unforgivable? How do I get over his betrayal and believe anything he says. All I want to do is protect my heart from any more pain and create distance between us.

These are the wrong questions because they put the onus of fixing this relationship on you.

The correct questions are:

What is he doing to earn your forgiveness?

What is he doing to win back your trust?

How is he demonstrating his worthiness to remain your husband?

Now, to be clear, I'm not saying that you won't have any work to do on healing yourself. But the fact of the matter is, he broke the relationship, so he has to do the heavy lifting to repair it.

Read well the word of Bluer Than Blue, they are very precious.