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Newest Member: Watermelonhigh

Wayward Side :
What if?

Topic is Sleeping.
stop

 Amy44 (original poster member #47329) posted at 7:08 PM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2024

I ask myself the question regarding forgiveness and worthiness of forgiveness every single day. If the roles were reversed and my BH did to me what I did to him. Would I be open to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation?

What if my BH told another woman he loved her and believed that he was in love after 3 kids and all of the life experience we shared. Could I love him again? Could I forgive him? Could we continue to go on as a married couple?

My BH doted on me and treated me like a queen. He was a great provider, lover and father. He knew me so well and he trusted me unconditionally.

I know my "whys" and my history of being abused by men prior to meeting my BH. He knew them, too. He accepted me entirely. He was absolutely shocked when he learned what I had done and frankly he and our marriage will likely never be the same. I would like it to go back to a time, but I have always been who I am and frankly I was not worthy of his trust.

I was posed this discussion in a recent therapist call, and my answer is "no". I would not accept of forgive the level of abuse and poor choices I made, if the shoe were on the other foot.

My therapist asked for elaboration and frankly the ability to forgive and live with the pain is why my BH is the best. I could never be the person he is...and I have never been the person he's been in our relationship

Me - WW 40's
Husband BH 40's
DD - Trickled over past few years
3 grown / adult kids

posts: 141   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2015
id 8835354
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 7:05 PM on Thursday, May 2nd, 2024

The truth is that you don't know what you would do until the shoes are on your feet. Almost every BS in the history of ever said that they would never tolerate cheating - until it happened to them.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1340   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8835470
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 12:33 AM on Friday, May 3rd, 2024

I kind of had the same thought as sacred soul reading this post, but I get what you are trying to convey. Appreciating and empathizing with your husbands position feels better doesn’t it? Empathy helps with connection and I think most people on this site ws/bs alike are seeking that. To be understood. To feel connected and safe.

I had the shoe go in the other foot and it does suck. My reaction was different than his, but we are still here rambling around together and I am truly thankful for that. I personally think the later phases of healing brings compassion for yourself, seeing your worth has grown. But I don’t want to trample on this message that you have made because I know what this feels like, what you are talking about. The more you get it, it’s like layers on an onion and most of the things that came as deep epiphanies to me are hard to convey the emotion behind.

The other day, I told my husband a different preference of what he brought home from the grocery store. I delivered it in an appreciative way. "I am so glad to have this here for dinner, but in the future can you look for ___" He didn’t blink an eye, the world didn’t crumble but for most of our marriage I would have either been exasperated or not mention it all and decide that I have to do everything myself. No wonder I felt so ducking exhausted. I almost posted about it but in the scheme of things until you have been at the darkest trenches, and you come out, it’s like every small thing stands out, every big thing stands out, and when we convey them it’s hard for people to feel that sweet relief in seeing these things for what they are instead of the distorted versions of all of it that once existed.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7319   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8835514
Topic is Sleeping.
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