SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am posting here because I don't know where else to post, and I trust the advice I have seen on the site. I received a random message on messenger last week. The message was from a woman asking me if I knew her mother. She had done a mail in DNA test and it came back a match that my sister was her Aunt. The test happened 2 years ago. At that time, she reached out to my sister and they exchanged a couple of messages and that was it. Fast forward 2 years and she sent the message to me. At first, I thought it was some kind of scam. Until she mentioned her mothers name. I sat on it for 2 days before I couldn't take it anymore and had to respond. I asked for birthdate, and it matched up with the relationship timeline.

Over the course of our conversation, it came out that she had a horrific childhood and had been no contact with her mother and her mother's entire family except an aunt. She had a abusive childhood. Through all of that, she would ask her mother who her father was. The answer she was always given was that she would tell her when she got older. But that never happened. So she essentially spent her entire life trying to find me. As shocked as I was about all of this, I am really happy and want to have a relationship with her. My wife and adult children are in shock, but have open minds. My 91 y/o mother is ecstatic and can't wait to meet her. I am going to meet her in Florida at my mothers house during mothers day weekend.

To say that I am nervous is an understatement. I need advice on how to approach this first meeting. I want her to know that she is part of my family and always will be from now on. But I don't want it to feel like I am pushing too hard. When I see her for the first time should I give her a hug? Or should I let her take the lead? I called my therapist immediately after this started and set up an appointment. She recommended that I write a letter and put all of my emotions into it and present it to her when we meet. RIght now I am a nervous wreck, and we aren't even meeting for a couple of weeks. Any advice given is appreciated. I feel like I am on the Jerry Springer show right now. Thank you all in advance.

Things I left out:
-While I am happy about all of this, my wife is very emotional about where she fits into the new family dynamic.
-When she was growing up, and her mother was struggling, they were living less than 2 miles from my parents house. They gladly would have helped had they known.
-I only dated her mother casually for a couple of months after my freshman year of college. After we split, I never heard from her or about her again.

Feel free to ask anything else. Thank you.

Wow, that is very exciting news. I think my advice for you is to be extremely attentive, sensitive and considerate of your wife and your children of marriage as all of this unfolds. I suggest you include your wife in all your decisions and actions towards your new-found child.

Don’t do anything behind your wife’s back or without discussing it with her. Invite your wife to join you whenever you meet with or speak with your new child and make sure your wife feels welcome to be a part of this new relationship.

I would also spend time individually with each your children of marriage, asking them how they feel about this new relationship. Don’t just ask once, ask them about their feelings on a semi-regular basis, even a few years from now. They may feel like their inheritance is at risk or that they are being pushed aside for this new person. Asking them directly will allow them to express themselves and will help prevent resentments and hurt feelings.

As to how to approach this first meeting. First, I hope your wife is encouraged to join you. As to hugs, I think it is appropriate to ask how they feel about a hug, before you hug them. Good luck and I hope you keep us updated on how the first meet-up goes.

Wow!!! I am sure this is very exciting, scary and a 100 other emotions all spinning into one.

I am so glad you reached out to your IC. Is it an option to do a session or so including your wife? This is a lot to navigate for everyone. Ditto for your children, maybe a group session at some point. I am sure they are digesting it all in their own way as well.

Besides the letter, maybe do some journaling right now just for you. I think it will help you to get it on paper as you go through those roller coaster of emotions.

I would hug her. Heck, I am not even a hugger and I would still do it! This girl is a victim of her mother's circumstance.

I have spent my entire life waiting for some long-lost relative to show up due to colorful families on both sides but I still do not think you can ever be prepared!

Please update us!

(PS - congrats!!)

Thank you for the advice. I will try to get a family session with my IC. She is very open to the idea. My daughter and I have been able to talk on the phone a couple of times. She called me dad for the first time yesterday and that made me very happy. Right now my wife feels like she is not a part of this new family. I tried explaining that she is a part of it for a couple of reasons. One because she is my wife. Two because my daughter has never had a positive female influence on her life and this is a great opportunity. Especially since we are both starting from scratch.

Benwyck,

I hate to be the stick in the mud but...

I really want to urge you to be cautious with how you proceed with this relationship. Yes, she's biologically your daughter and I'm sure it's a relief and joy to her that you have not only acknowledged her but welcomed her into the family.

But that doesn't change the fact that she's a stranger. You've only talked to her a few times. You haven't met her in person, interacted with her, or seen her interact with others. You don't know what kind of baggage she will bring and how she will get along with and integrate into the rest of the family. While you might've been thrilled when she called you "Dad," the fact that she said this to a man that she has only just learned about and only spoke to a few times over the phone is alarming. It's akin to meeting someone online and proposing marriage before you've even had a first date.

Also, I can really understand why your wife feels like she's being pushed out of her own family. This is happening so, so fast. She never asked for another daughter or to take on the responsibility of being a personal mentor to this woman, yet she feels like she is being pushed to do so because her husband, children, and mother-in-law are ecstatic about this new addition. She probably thinks that you should be moving more slowly and carefully, but how can she feel comfortable voicing her concerns when she's likely afraid that she will be perceived as jealous, territorial, or unwelcoming?

My suggestion to is that before you start family counseling sessions and start reconfiguring your family to fit your daughter in it, get to know her first. Keep talking to her on the phone. Meet up with her coffee. And though I know you might balk at this, you might also want to run a background check, too, just in case there is anything alarming in her personal history that you need to be aware of before you welcome her into your home.

You might think I'm being paranoid, but don't let your feelings of joy and obligation toward this woman override your existing responsibilities toward your wife and other children.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:47 PM, Friday, April 26th]

Would you be willing to share your experience with infidelity? That sad factor that we all have in common. It might help us with understanding your wife’s concerns, even though this daughter is in no way connected to any infidelity.

I have a comparable experience, albeit my daughter was about 2 years old when I learned of her existence. My relationship with my now-wife was already serious back then, and we had been together as a couple for nearly two years. The daughter was conceived before wife and I knew of each other, so it wasn’t infidelity in any way or form. But accepting there was a child was a big hit.
Frankly and bluntly: At THAT time had my wife demanded I ignore the daughter or that I kept her totally separate from our lives... I would have judged her character and morals on those actions, and I would hopefully had the courage to realize our values didn’t match. After all, a child is a child and has IMHO a certain demand or right to know it’s parents. But that’s MY view and opinion, and not gospel or the only unequivocal truth.
Fortunately she was on board with accepting the child as mine. My daughter became a part of our family, spent time with us, was in contact with us and got to know and be accepted by both my wife and I extended families. During her college years she lived with us and now – years later – she’s visiting this weekend along with her husband and my two grandkids. On the Big Scale of Life whatever cost was incurred has greatly been exceeded by the happiness given to us by her.

What would I suggest on your end? It is a totally different situation...

I would not deny my daughter.
Having said that then the advice of talking to all other members of the family makes sense. Only make it clear what YOUR wishes are. Your daughter didn’t choose this situation, if one of your kids were to reject her and refuse to attend a family dinner or something of that nature... that’s their DECISION – something your daughter was refused to-date.

Tell your wife that she can make her own role in her relationship with this woman, but that you would appreciate and expect that she understands that if things go well this daughter will be a permanent part of your life. It’s to everyone’s advantage to make the best of this.
Admit that even you don’t really know what role you will have. You are her dad, but to-date you have only done two things to earn that title: you begat her, and when she reached out you opened your arms to her. Your role is a developing one, but all you know is that this could be an exciting opportunity that could positively impact the lives of all involved.
Maybe do one thing: With your daughters history of abuse it makes sense that one of you – you or your wife – has a more careful stance. Like if your daughter starts talking money and debts at the second or third time you meet... you listen to your guarddog wife. Give your wife THAT role, only ask her to approach it with an open heart.

Hi Benwyck,

I have a similar story although I am the birth mother who recently reunited with my birth son. I tried posting to this thread a number of times, but keep deleting. I too don’t want to be a stick in the mud, but I do have some words of caution for you. I don’t want to thread jack so I’ll keep my backstory as condensed as possible My son’s birth was not due to infidelity, I was 15 and in HS when I got pregnant. I was sent away to a maternity home to give birth and give up my child for adoption. This was early/mid 1980’s. I didn’t have family support and keeping the baby was not an option I was told. The adoption was a closed adoption, I was sequestered away from the birth father at this maternity home and experienced a great deal of trauma related to this. And while I "moved on" I never forgot about my son. I tried unsuccessfully over the past 35 yrs to find any information about his whereabouts. In 2019 unbeknownst to me, my son was also looking for me. He completed a 23 & Me DNA test and was connected to several of my relatives and my mother who were in the database. Through this he was able to make connections with family members who then gave him my information. My husband and my children were all aware that I’d had a son as a teen and him finding us was always a possibility we were all open to. In late 2019 I received a FB message from my son - he was 37 yrs old. Everything was overwhelming. I was incredibly happy - ecstatic - that we found each other. We talked on the phone non stop for a month. We were in different states - opposite sides of the country. But we talked about a face to face reunion . The second month I noticed a turn in his behavior. He told me he’d had a horrible childhood with his adoptive parents. His adoptive father had died when he was 10 and he was raised by a single mother. He lived in a poor community, got involved in gangs and drugs as a juvenile, served time in jail as a young adult. He fathered his first child at age 16 but was not involved in his child’s life so the baby’s mother and grandmother raised the baby. He managed to get his GED & at around 20 he enlisted in the military. My husband had been career military, with a stellar career and rank. My son told me he was a war hero, had been awarded many medals- yet he was discharged after 4 years at the rank of private. Red flags were waving everywhere. He told me he had graduated college but couldn’t remember the year and was vague about what college he actually attended. He started to begrudge my children (his half siblings) about how "lucky" they were. The two oldest had graduated college, had advanced degrees and careers, were married and had stable lives and families. My youngest son was attending his university on academic scholarship. I felt that as each time we talked he seems to be more and more bitter at how “fortunate” his siblings were and how he suffered and struggled. By the time he was 35 he had fathered 7 - yes 7! - children and had 4 baby mommas. All of my family and my kids cautioned me about getting too close too fast and to take things slowly. I hired a PI and did some digging. He never went to college, was kicked out of the military, had been reduced in rank several times, he had been incarcerated for drugs and gang related activity several times between 18-20 yrs, but because of 9/11 and high recruitment in military he was allowed to enlist. He had been sued by numerous creditors, been evicted several times. My family thought he was only interested in money. We are NOT rich, but we are comfortable. During the 2nd month of communication he started to prey on my guilt - I felt guilt for giving him up for adoption and he honed in on that. He started to pressure me for money, he said he was struggling to pay his bills, he was on the hook for a lot of child support. He wouldn’t let up and kept hounding me. I kept a lot of this from my husband because I was embarrassed- I didn’t want to tell my family that they were right. Anyway I ended up giving him $500 as a loan. That was 5 years ago and needless to say I haven’t seen a dime of that money paid back. We did meet in person during the 3rd month. I invited him to my parents home and that is where the initial first meeting took place. But the feelings were so weird, I felt like him and his significant other (his GF) were checking out my parents home and their things. They made themselves quite at home. But I was so uncomfortable and on edge the whole time. I was grateful that my husband was with me. My older two daughters came and he was able to meet them and their families - but they didn’t feel safe or comfortable either. Maybe they could sense this coming off of me I’m sure. Anyway - this is my story - but I came here to say, just be cautious. She’s a stranger to you and your family, so be sure you vet her properly- whatever that means to you. For me, the reunion didn’t go well. My son is still angry and holds a grudge against me and his siblings for being "successful " and not "sharing" with him. Needless to say, we have not heard from him since 2019 and I don’t expect to. I’m happy to have found him and know he’s alive. But to have a relationship with him is something that I cannot do and I definitely won’t force my family (my kids) to have a relationship with him. Just don’t have these high expectations - be realistic. This could go really well or could go really bad. My husband was fully prepared to try to have a relationship with him, but he was so disrespectful to us all and so we knew early on that this was not going to end well. Again I’m sorry to thread jack and I don’t mean to rain on your parade! I do wish you all the best for a happy, successful reunion with your daughter!

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 3:58 PM, Friday, April 26th]