SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey, man. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone here. Fight your fight, and squeeze as much out of us as humanly possible that helps you in it.
I hope that you end up with more than you dream of.

Hey Ink,

I honestly didn’t think I was defending myself, maybe I am. I’m trying to paint a full picture of this mess, it’s not all bad. WW has messed up really bad, and lots of terrible things have happened last two years during R, but I don’t want to show only negative. Because she is working through her issues. I do believe she is remorseful and trying hard to repair. Main reason is I can’t get full support/answers if I only show the bad side of things. The bad are really bad, and I know most would probably quit after them on top of the affair. Lots have already expressed that opinion to me. So I’m trying to show full side as to why I’m still tyro R.

I haven’t really been on lately, how are you doing brother?

Stevenson,

Yeah I know at some point I am going to have to bring this up. Right now I am keeping my ear to the ground and making sure before I do anything. I don’t believe she was actually talking to AP, but I want to lay low and see if anything else slips just incase. I am not going to do this again, and I’m not going to play my hand just yet until I feel that what I heard is exactly what I think it was. If she was talking to him, I am not going to be gaslit again. I’m not going to even confront honestly if she is. I’m just going to be done and out.

I am glad you weren’t being defensive, I certainly hope it didn’t sounds like I was judging and I am sorry if it came across that way. I just honestly haven’t followed your story but I remembered you saying something to the effect that made me think you just didn’t have many expectations of the marriage, and I had a very different picture from that. Thank you for catching me up.

FWIW, if she was processing and not talking to him for real that sort of processing is not unusual. I wrote in a journal to talk to myself, and I was looking through it last weekend. Healing from all of it has been like layers of an onion for me, and some of that learning was still making epiphanies about the AP for years. I would be more concerned if she wasn’t condemning what happened. How she does that is going to be her method. Some people are more verbal than written. Even the most remorseful ws isn’t going to be a robot, healing is not linear. It’s a slow deepening of understanding and awareness.

I truly wasn’t trying to be hurtful in saying she could leave. It was more a reaction to the precarious financial situation you had laid out. But I agree finances are not a reason to stay married, it can be a big motivation for sure. as can kids, as can anything. Truth is I doubt you will find anyone here who has truly reconciled that their reasons for doing it evolves over time. Truth is, that is often the same for the ws.

I think the most important thing is arriving at a destination where the answers are unquestionable. It takes a lot of time. We quote the 2-5 years here, and honestly I think that’s a conservative estimate. I personally notice people sound more reconciled at 6 or even 7 years. That’s not to say that it’s like it is the first or second year, but the settling in and learning takes longer than most people span their advice on.

Nothing is guaranteed of course, it will work or it won’t. It’s always up to the two people involved to decide if that risk is acceptable.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:07 AM, Saturday, May 4th]

Hiking out,

I never felt you were attacking me or anything like that. I’ve said it before, I always appreciate your honesty and perspective, especially as a former WW. So much of your revelations have matched my W’s experience with her A it always helps to have your point of view. Time and time again, as we navigate through this process she has said very similar things that you have admitted as your own experience/thought process i could almost make a check list.

As far as her leaving, that might be a more personal thing for me. It’s why I did a desperate pick me for so long, I was terrified of her leaving. I’m past that point now, and I’m ok if she makes that decision, and honestly I don’t want to stay married with someone who isn’t all in. She has given me no indication that she wants to, at least not anymore. I do believe at some level her A was an exit A, a way to force my hand in D so she didn’t have to. It explains why the A didn’t actually end until AP got a new girlfriend. That or she wanted her boyfriend and husband and was crushed at how disposable she was as I was literally hours away from filing before she confessed. Still working on that, both answers are horrible but it is what it is.

As far as her leaving, that might be a more personal thing for me. It’s why I did a desperate pick me for so long, I was terrified of her leaving. I’m past that point now, and I’m ok if she makes that decision, and honestly I don’t want to stay married with someone who isn’t all in. She has given me no indication that she wants to, at least not anymore. I do believe at some level her A was an exit A, a way to force my hand in D

First, it takes a whole lot of healing to get to the place that you aren’t terrified of her leaving, so that is obviously always going to be steps in the right direction.

Also I think a lot of people have exit affairs but really haven’t thought through the exit or the reasons for it in any conscious way. I have said here many times that I had an exit affair. I didn’t even plan to be with the ap, I wanted to be in my own. I had people pleased so long I had this distorted thought that if I could live alone life would just be so much easier. I believed my husband wanted a servant and convenient sex. I felt that was going to happen with any man. The ap was more of an ego boost than a monkey branch. I never believed he was going to leave a 30+ year marriage. And I knew my attachment to him in just a few weeks was not natural or right.

It’s true h and I weren’t connected leading I to the affair but that lack of connection was 90 percent my fault. I didn’t understand how to get what I wanted nor did I see the ways I was impeding it.

So wanting to leave, yes it’s bad. But not as bad as the affair itself. And I clearly know my life would be miserable without him on so many levels. I allowed my distorted perceptions to build my behavior rather than hitting the breaks and figuring this all out instead of the horrific things I did and the ways I acted. It’s one thing to want to leave for valid reasons, and following through. It’s another to not even try and work through where one’s head is and and have some serious conversations with one’s spouse.

Anyway, I can’t speak for your wife, we are two very different people and our situations are different and our timeline is different. But the one thing I will say is I have a helluva man and I won’t let myself forget that ever again. For your sake and the sake of your five children, I hope the struggle she is having within herself lands the same way.

So all that to sa

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:23 PM, Saturday, May 4th]